Property taxes were paid today. People have handed miguel money for cows and butter over the summer. I wrote down the amounts and kept track of it. When property taxes come due, it makes sense to me to pay them using money that people have given for cows and butter. Miguel keeps the money hidden from me. Money for cows and butter used to go in to a drawer, and there it was, and when I wanted money for something, I went to the drawer and took money out. Its been about 3 years now that miguel stopped putting money in the drawer. Someone comes and buys a cow and they hand the cash to miguel and then its not in the drawer. I don't know where he puts it. I just know its not in the drawer anymore. He never spoke to me about it, he just stopped putting the money in the drawer. It has worked out fine. I accept who he is and that as I continue to live here things like this will be as they are.
For property taxes this year I gave miguel this written message:
"This farm received $2,400 from Dan for cows. To pay property taxes for this 120 acres, I offer 30% of that $2,400 or $720.
This farm received $100 from M.T. for butter. To pay property taxes for this 120 acres, I offer 50% of that $100, or $50. "
After reading the message, he said somethings about expenses and such. It seemed that he was not agreeing with my suggestion of how to use the money. I asked him to write down his idea, as I had written down my idea, then we could talk about it. This is what he wrote:
"What is the basis to claim any of the income from the cows or even the butter without an account of the other expenses that are part of the expense of raising the cows? We need to settle your relationship to the farm. Do you own the cows? The equipment? The Hay? It would help me to feel that I am not just being manipulated and taken advantage of. Big picture. You own some of the land. That means you pay the taxes and have the right to do what you want with 50% of the land. "
This was my written response:
"The basis to claim 30% of the "income" from cows and butter: I live and labor here and when people give money for cows and butter, some of that money can be used as I see fit. I want to use the "income" from the cows and butter to pay the property tax. No I don't own the cows. No I don't own the equipment. No I don't own the hay. I want you to feel that you are not being manipulated. It would be wonderful for you to not feel taken advantage of. Yes. I want to pay the taxes with part of the money that people gave "us" for cows and butter. What I want to do with the land is raise cows and make butter. When someone gives money for cows and butter, I want to use some of that money to pay the PROPERTY TAXES. "
There was no response to this. The next morning I showed him a written receipt I had made, that I intended to give to him to keep, after he provided me with the $770 cash that he was keeping from the sale of cows and butter. Receipt:
"Dan from Community Farm gave this farm $2,400 for cows Fern and Clarity. Kari spent 30% of that money ($720) on property taxes. The remaining $1680 is under miguel's decision and Kari has zero claim to any of it.
M.T. gave this farm $100 for butter. Kari spent 30% of that money ($50) on property taxes. The remaining $50 is under miguel's decision and Kari has zero claim to any of it. "
There was no response when he read this. When chores were done and it was time to go into town, miguel said he was going to go. I said I wanted to go also. I said I wanted to have the $770 in my hand and give it to Nick, the Township Treasurer. After a few minutes, miguel counted out $780 and set it on the table. I made change for a twenty, gave miguel $10 back and held on to the $770. We went into town and paid the property taxes. Then I gave miguel the hand written receipt. Its done.
I just want to make this public because its soothing to me, it makes me feel better. Just like the whole PIG episode, I want to tell my story. I understand that living with a man who functions in the way people describe as pathological narcissism means that these situations occur. Part of how I happily share space with him is to write and make public the details of what goes on here. I am not crazy. My relationships with other humans are not complicated and uncomfortable because most humans do not function in a way that can be described as pathological narcissism. I take responsibility for the fact that I continue to live with this man. I accept that I am putting myself in the position to have experiences like the one described above. This writing helps me cope. It soothes me. I am good at soothing myself. I take care of myself. I love living here and have cut down dramatically on the amount of yuck interaction I have with this farm partner. I am an inspiration to myself and maybe someone else can find inspiration in what I've been able to do, living with a person like this.
