Why?

     A small child says, “Why?”.  

The focus of this practice is to enjoy your relationship with the child.   Enjoying your relationship comes from holding your integrity and honoring both yourself and the child.  

Prior to responding to a child’s, “Why?”, it can be helpful to evaluate your inner state.  If there is energy and focus available, a response to the “why” can flow out.  If your energy and focus are being used for a specific task, like packing up to leave the house, a verbal response is not necessary.  In this case the child’s “Why?” can be lovingly allowed to float in the air.   As you gather coats, boots and hats, snacks and water bottles, you can take a little moment to flow Love to them.  Feel yourself take a Breath, find their eyes and make Eye Contact, then continue on with your task, in silence.  This practice honors your child and their “why” by holding your integrity as you complete your task with focus.  

Children say the word ‘why’ for different reasons.  It is helpful to remember that many times the word ‘why’ is spoken for the same reason that a step is taken by a child learning to walk.  They are simply practicing a new skill.  They have observed people walking around on two legs and now they are ready to get up off the ground and try this walking magic for themselves.  So they take a step.  A word is offered by a child learning to talk.  Children have observed people talking with each other.  Around the kitchen table, in the car, outside in the yard, people are offering words.  The child is aware of a connection between people that are talking.  They can feel the exchange of energy and the focus of attention in a conversation.  Now they are ready to try this talking magic for themselves.  So they offer a word.

They are simply practicing a new skill. They hear someone say something and they want to engage in a conversation.  They want to participate in the exchange of energy.  At the end of your sentence they say, “Why?”.  The intention behind their question is not to understand your sentence.  Their intention is to practice conversation.  To imitate what they have observed happening between people.  

When you hear the word, “Why?”, you can respond from your place of understanding.  You can evaluate if the child has formed a sincere question in their mind, or if perhaps they are taking a step to learn to walk.  Your response to their “why” can flow from your understanding and the place of integrity for that specific moment in time.  

When things are busy and you are focused on completing a task, it is your responsibility to guide the child in respecting the immediate situation.  Now may not be the time to answer the question “Why?”.  That’s when the intentional practice of making eye contact as you take a breath, demonstrates respectful conversation etiquette.  Just as walking slowly on an icy path demonstrates respect for one’s body and the immediate conditions, respectfully answering a question with silence demonstrates respect for one’s focus and the immediate situation.  

Silence

Creating silence when I don’t say anything.  Hearing 100 things in my head that could be said, in response to you.  Choosing to hold my tongue.  I am an artist creating silence.  Silence full of Love and acceptance and a deep breath.  I have stood in the Silence of hatred and fear.  Grateful now to know the difference.  Grateful to create responsibly, the Silence of peace and faith.  

You get up and get dressed and express your usual morning joy with fun noises and belly rubs.  There are ideas in my head about what you could do with your time, what you “should” do.  Most of the ideas emerge from my desire to feel like I am a good mom.  Gently shifting the spotlight of focus to illuminate the primary goal of supporting your independence.  A decision has been made, that regardless of what my scared, small mind may cry out for, the primary goal remains the fearless and grand truth that you are Free.  You are Free to discover Life.  

Under this decision about Freedom lies the idea that a good mom allows space for discovery and failure.  A good mom creates Silence and then listens and watches.  Yesterday morning my scared, grasping mind knew that you “should” either help me hang up this laundry or go outside and shovel that driveway.  Then the spotlight of focus shifted over to illuminate your freedom as my small mind raged, falling into a welcome pit of neglect.  As the small mind is neglected, it fades.  It gets easier and easier to function from the fearless and grand truth that resides in my heart.  You are Free.  

You are Free.  It is my pleasure and my honor to allow space for you to discover Life at your own pace and in your own, unique way.  So I am Silent.  I am an artist hanging up laundry, creating a masterpiece of Loving, peaceful Silence.  You continue to bounce around, oozing joy, even while saying right out loud, “I don’t know what to do.  I don’t know what to do.”.  Deep breath, reach for another piece of clean, wet clothing to hang on the rack, see the spotlight illuminating primary goal.  There is a Free, wild creature here with me and I am on safari with my notebook, observing their behavior.  What will the independent one do?  They have said they don’t know what to do.  Silence.  Acceptance of your wisdom.  Faith that this moment counts.  Knowing I am a good mom because I am allowing space.  A silent space pregnant with eager celebration of divine guidance and your beautiful uniqueness.  

YES!  You reach for a piece of laundry, joyfully hanging it on the rack.  Another piece, then another.  There is a flow.  We’re doing the laundry together.  It just happened, in the Silence.  My quiet mouth.  My held tongue.  Yes.  

Encouraging Celebration

    In our current culture, correcting one another may seem appropriate. Having the ‘right’ information may feel safe or powerful. When interacting with children, practice allowing space for imagination. Facts and information frequently are not relevant in their moments, and can be set aside until absolutely necessary. This can be difficult, but it helps to focus on the child in front of you. Be mindful of where you may be holding facts, and allow the space to sit as a student. Your child teacher may be offering a lesson in Truth and Joy. 

     Around the table in the lovely, bright kitchen gathered the nanny, her 9 year old son and the little girl. Little Lisa babbled on about her dear friend Sienna. She described and announced her plans: a stroller ride down the street to Sienna’s house to pick her up, painting at the table, collecting eggs from the chicken coop and so many other fun things. Nanny and son were eating their breakfast. Lisa was not eating her breakfast. She was joyous, detailing in her halted, toddler speech, all that would transpire in her wondrous reality. 

      Nanny knew that Sienna was not coming over today. She had been here yesterday and enjoyed a lovely visit on the farm. But Nanny understood the long term implications of this particular moment in time. So with eye contact, smiles, and affirmative noises, she agreed with Lisa. Nanny encouraged her and supported the joyous tirade of words flowing from Lisa’s heart right out of her mouth, all the while blocking her breakfast. The little girl could eat later. These dreams of a friend’s visit was food for her soul. Lisa was in Love with Life and with encouraging nods and grunts, Nanny wrapped that experience in a safe, soft blanket and held it up in celebration like the absolute trophy of triumph that it was.  

     Nine year old “big brother” observed the whole scene thoughtfully.  After a bit, himself also knowing that Sienna visiting two days in a row was not the plan, respectfully and quietly, so as not to disrupt the celebration, he voiced his question. “Mum, none of that is true. Why are you agreeing with her?” Well stated young man, good question. 

      What is true? 

   What I know for sure is that little girl in front of us right now inhabits a state of consciousness called heaven. She’s creating and living in heaven right here on earth. In this kitchen. Daydreaming and declaring all that makes her heart sing. I agree with her. I agree with her heaven. We are witnessing a human child in their natural habitat. They dwell in states of peace and joy, celebration and imagination. Their worlds are unbounded by schedules and what happened yesterday. Lisa is sharing with us what infinite possibility sounds like and showing us what it feels like. 

      Our responsibility in this moment is to hold space for her heart to soar.  She is completely Free in this moment and we are the guardians of that Freedom, the stewards. Her open heart and unlimited mind does not need to be developed or cultivated, it’s already complete and whole. But it does need to be stewarded well. It needs a safe, encouraging space to run and jump and fly away higher and higher. That’s what we’re doing, sitting here at this table eating, as her breakfast gets cold. We are farmers, harvesting the pure, unbounded heart of a child.

parking lot

     I woke up at 330 am and after the mundane thoughts quieted down and my mind focused on the creatures singing outside, the idea of a parking lot came.

South West Field - that would be a great parking lot for all the mountain bikers.

  It was never a great pasture field, kind of sandy, so maybe in a rainy time it wouldn’t get too muddy.  It’s right on the road, so easy access.  It is relatively flat, and only starts to slope down at its northern edge. The Northern edge is wooded and is a steep slope down to a little creek. The western edge of the field is the property line.  The Southern edge is Austin Rd.  There’s a fence along both these lines.  Road fence would need to come down and a driveway chosen.  I believe a driveway could be built somewhere along that southern line.  The Eastern edge of the field is the orchard with a beautiful grape arbor giving Concord grapes, and about 6 apple trees and a pear tree. 

I don’t love the idea of a parking lot, but I understand it’s necessary and I definitely want people to come to the farm, so this is an ideal place.  It’s probably the only piece of the farm that could be given over to cars and we really haven’t lost anything.  It was cut for hay in 2021, and maybe also in 2022, so there are not any trees and fewer rose bushes than anywhere else.  It’s the only piece of the farm that has been cut for hay in 30 years.  

     At the North East corner of the field there’s a path down a hill into a barn yard. I’m imagining bikes unloading in the parking lot and then riding down that path.  After the barn yard they would reach a driveway, call it the western driveway, or house driveway.  This runs from the road, north past the LP tanks, to the red barn.  From the driveway, a path could be made heading East, behind the house and across the yard to the Eastern Lane.  This lane begins at the road next to the milk house and runs North.  Bikes could follow this lane north out to the fields.  

Another option is for the bikes to unload in the parking lot and travel back down Austin Rd to the East, entering the property at the Eastern Lane and riding north to the fields and woods and trails we’re going to build.  

OH I’m SO excited about this!!!  

    Now I’m imagining a sort of staging area or starting line for a race or time trial.  Of course it could be anywhere up in the fields, but there are two areas at the bottom of the hill by the swamp, before the eastern lane takes you up the hill past the grey barn into the fields.  

    The swamp is on the eastern side of the lane and there’s a culvert under the lane where a creek flows out of the swamp and travels west.  That’s the creek mentioned above, at the northern edge of the parking lot.  

West of the lane and north of the creek, there’s a small, flat open area.  It has berry bushes on its southern edge.  It runs to the red barn.  Also west of the lane but on the south side of the creek, there’s an open area that is fenced in with hog panels.  It was the pig pen.  There are some small trees and an old, tiny building that leans heavily to the west and needs to come down.  Both of these areas are flat and might be good staging areas. Between the road and the fields out back, these are two of the only flat areas, besides the cement slab in front of the grey barn.  

the eastern lane

brief extracts from My Pregnancy Journal - Feb to Sept 2015

  I feel like the baby can handle it when I yell and feel angry and mean and scared.  I have Faith in this baby and I feel like they are strong and wise and fearless.  This baby just wants me to by joyful because that’s what all people can experience.  The baby intends to experience Joy and it wants the same for me as for everyone.  

      This is my home and this is what is important to me.  This is what fills my heart with that deep satisfaction.  That is the state little Filbert wanted me to be in when I am parenting him.  He wanted to be raised by a mother who is content in her Life.  Smart kid.  I really like him.

I put the baby in the sun for the first time yesterday, sitting in a chair in the yard, with my bare feet on the ground and sweatshirt pulled up, belly got warm.  Felt so good.  I heard the baby’s heart beat today.  I love the baby.  No one can disturb my Love for the baby.  I can take good care of the baby.  They chose me to hang out with.  I trust the baby, we are both wise and compassionate beings.  

There were such wonderful baby dreams last night.  They all felt peaceful and joyful, just fun and I was surrounded and supported by all the right beings.  More and more this baby just feels like my baby.  I am not going to pretend or force a partner.  Just imagine the partner I want and they will come into, we will join our journeys.  I feel eager and hopeful and confident and connected to this child of God.  This generous, wise being that chose me.  It didn’t necessarily choose Miguel, I am not clear on that.  And I don’t need to be.  I am clear that the being chose ME.  

I really Love to feel good.  I Love my baby.  I think they are still sleeping and it will be fun to notice movement.  I Love to rub my stomach and hold my baby by supporting the weight of my stomach with both hands.  I Love feeling the baby kick.  I Love thinking about the baby coming out of my body and up onto my chest and feeding at my breast.  I Love making the diapers for Baby.  I Love knowing that Baby is an independent Powerful, creative Being who comes to me of its own free will and we will create and expand together.  I appreciate all of this.  

Baby was moving a lot yesterday.  I Love to just sit and feel Baby move.  I’m going to be good at co-creating with baby.  I Love thinking about sitting by the swamp with baby on a blanket and just watching and listening to the Earth.  Feels Like mama Earth will raise the child and I get to participate.  Baby feels good.  I trust.  I have faith.  I know I am not alone.  

Thinking about the baby is weird.  Mostly there is a deep confidence that I will know what to do.  That feels strange because right now I can’t imagine what it will be like to care for a baby, a little human.  Yet there remains the fact that I will know what to do.  So it’s all Faith and Surrender.  Like with so many things on the farm, especially with the animals, I just know what to do.  I have just known what they need and what to do.  The knowledge of how to care for the baby is out there.  It’s not a secret.  So I don’t have to discover it or learn it.  I just need to let it flow thru me.  And that, I can practice each moment of each day.  Each moment that I allow well being to flow is practice for the baby.

Dear baby,

we did a lot today.  Milked the cows, fed the pigs.  Cleaned out the dresser where your clothes are going to be kept.  Emptied the freezer in the basement and got rid of all the ice.  Filled it back up again with 4 coolers full of meat from the big freezer down at your grandfather’s house.  Made bone broth, fed the pigs and chickens, got the eggs.  We had a company come and take away 2 upright freezers that we didn’t want anymore.  It was a big day.  Now it’s getting dark and your papa is speaking to Aunt Barbie on the phone.  My lower back feels a lot better after some stretching.  

Last week (1st wk July) you and I rode around on the orange tractor raking hay.  Papa was concerned how you would do on the tractor and it seemed fine.  I was glad to take some of the tractor time off of papa.  There was a lot of hay down and we were a big help to him.  Your papa is such an amazing man.  I am so excited to see the two of you together.  He loves you and me so much.  Thank you baby, for coming to be with us here on the farm.  We celebrate how wise and generous you are.  

I got up a little earlier than usual, feels good.  Already felt baby move a bunch.  One more day of everything being ok.

I Love being pregnant.  I stand in tremendous appreciation of the experience.  Acknowledging the gift it is, the honor.  I am a Being that carries another Being inside my body.  I Love how my body is changing.  I love the way my body looks.  It’s a unique situation in that I don’t want to always look and feel this way.  Loving my pregnant body comes with the inherent understanding of the temporary nature of the condition.  To live so many years and just stand by and watch other pregnant women, never really believing it to be for me, and now to experience it for myself.  I am filled with joy and appreciation.  Also accepting that this may be the only opportunity (in this body) I do savor each moment.  Mostly what I feel is strong.  When people ask how I’m feeling, that is what always seems to describe my experience.  I feel Strong.  Part of it is physical.  Part of it is a deep knowing.  My body is changing and growing a 2nd body Being inside of it, all without my conscious, intellectual understanding of how.  So I feel Strong.  Strong in my Faith. Strong in the knowledge that I am involved in something Bigger than me.  I am a vessel for Universal Wisdom.  My Belly is tangible proof that God exists and is creative and perfect and Loving.  

I imagine as time passes it may be difficult to remember the details of why and what I Love about being pregnant.  So I write this for myself.  The awe, the Faith.  I guess I can’t say.  It’s too big.  The only thing left to do is cherish each moment.  I’m so gad my experience is pure and far away from ‘society’ ideas and interpretations.  Being pregnant on the farm is such a human experience.  

Am I paying enough attention to the baby?  This baby chose me as its human mother.  I think baby Loves me just the way I am.  Someone mentioned talking to the baby.  Maybe I think about it more in terms of energy.  The baby is with me all the time, experiencing my energy.  If my energy is in a good, balanced place, do I need to talk to the baby?  I like to sing.  I just intend to vibrate in appreciation for the baby and if verbal words come, fine.  My FAITH is what guides me.  I rest firmly and completely in FAITH that this baby is getting exactly what he needs.  I surrender.  I continue to find my voice and God created me and I am beautiful, unique, and I am perfect to mother-guide this child.  …as we continue to vibrate in Appreciation, anything child needs will flow into our experience.  

I’m drinking cranberry juice because sometimes I feel a vibration type feeling and I don’t know for sure what it is.  I think it’s just the baby moving but probably doesn’t hurt to drink cranberry juice anyway.  Baby is moving a lot.  I am excited to meet the baby and let it out of the tiny space that is my uterus.  Seems confined in there, but I need to trust that it’s meant to be in a small space first and then come out into the big world.  Interesting ideas, never considered before feeling this being push against my gut and my bladder and my belly.  Such strange physical sensations.  Faith in the process.  I love it.  I Love every second of it.  I would accept reassurance from a wise woman who could tell me each sensation is normal and that I’m not doing anything wrong, that I’m being a good vessel for this little being.  So I just have Faith and Listen for guidance from all the women who have gone before me.  They are my teachers and I stand in awe and appreciation.  

September 4, 2015  There were 3 or 4 or more real good contractions last night.  Strong, intense.  I tried moaning thru them and that felt nice.  They almost feel like strong period cramps, and it makes me feel like I might have to poop, and slightly nauseated all at once.  It’s unlike anything I’ve felt before.  I’m really excited.  I am opening.  Today is a wonderful day to have a baby.  Appreciation.

(Full on Labor started at 9:30 that evening and baby was in my arms 12 hours later.)

Now he’s 9 1/2.

He remains generous and wise.

I continue to stand in awe and appreciation. 

Job application

 This came out easily between 3:45 and 5 am.  It flowed and felt so good to write.

Just before 9am I realized that the job I had applied for is not available this season.  

Ha!!  Well then.  It felt great to let it flow through me and I feel eager to watch what unfolds...

Hello,

Please accept my application for the position of Market Team Member.

March - September 2010 - Crew member at Needle Lane Farm, Tipton, MI 

 Duties included: greenhouse seed starts, field planting and weeding, harvest for CSA shares and farm market stands, wash pack.

Working as a team with the farm market lead to pack and load products and equipment,

setting up and taking down farm market stall, restocking stall while keeping it clean and organized, answering customer questions and providing excellent 

customer service at Ypsilanti Tuesday afternoon market.  

September 2010 - January 2011  Crew member & market team member with Locavorious, Rena Basch's Ann Arbor CSA of frozen, local food

 Duties included: kitchen work of receiving delivery and processing produce from fresh to frozen for CSA distribution.

Working as a team with Rena to sort and pack CSA shares and loose bags for market stall sales, setup and break down of market stall at Ann Arbor Kerrytown Market.

Spring - September 2011 Crew member at Community Farm of Ann Arbor, Annie and Paul lead farmers.

Duties included: animal chores, field planting and weeding, harvest and display for CSA pickup, wash pack. 

September 2011 -  April 2012  Camden, MI  dairy farm that had a fresh milk delivery route to Ann Arbor

Duties included: milking cows by machine and by hand and many general farm tasks such as making butter, assisting with cheese making, raking the hay.

Assist lead delivery farmer with gathering and preparing products, setup and take down at 3 distribution sites; driving, loading and unloading delivery truck.  In a fast-paced, busy environment I assisted supporters in finding products, answered their questions, and calculated and received cash payment for products.    

Summer 2012 & 2014 - Farm Market Stall, Hillsdale, MI

  Working independently, I secured a space at the Hillsdale Farm Market and set up my own stall with products I had gathered and packaged myself.

Fresh & dried stinging nettles, dried mint and yarrow for tea, pears, maple sugar lumps, tatsoi, and a few other things...  

May - September 2013  Farm Market Team Member for The Brinery, Ann Arbor, MI

Duties included: working independently, packed coolers with product, loaded market vehicle with everything necessary for a busy market day, arrive on time, set up and take down market stall, keep stall well stocked and organized throughout the day, answer customer questions while providing excellent customer service, unload vehicle, returning product to refrigerator and stowing equipment properly.  Ann Arbor Kerrytown Wednesdays and Saturdays, Ann Arbor Westside Market at Zingerman's Roadhouse parking lot. 

     Taste Test Table

Duties included: working independently, packed coolers with product, loaded vehicle with everything necessary, locate and arrive at various stores in Ann Arbor and metro Detroit area, make contact with store liaison, set up, maintenance, and take down of professional, clean, organized table space, offer taste samples to shoppers, answer questions.

Also: occasional kitchen work of processing vegetables and packing jars of product.

If hired I would be available every Saturday.  Available also during the week after 5:30pm with my mature, farmer, 9 year old son.

I would prefer the Kerrytown market but am 100% agreeable to working the Farmington market.

Right now I live with my friend Colette on her small farm in Waterloo, MI.  My nine year old son and I take care of her three year old granddaughter while Colette works from home at her Monday through Friday desk job.  I am a live-in nanny.  No money is exchanged.  Mateo and I have been here since October of 2023 and things are working smoothly for all four of us.  Colette has full custody of little Talia with no change in custody expected.  

Every Saturday and Sunday since December of 2023 I have worked as a care-giver for clients of Angels in Scrubs Home Care.  They pay me $17 / hr and the shifts are 8am to 8pm, primarily in Ann Arbor.  Right now my life situation includes working every single weekend and I would 1,000 times prefer to work at your farm market stall.  I understand that the pay offered is $1 less per hour and the hours worked will be less than the 12 I am currently working and that is all fine and will not be any issue.  The vegetables are very valuable to me.  The biggest part of why I want to work with Green Things Farm Collective has to do with my personal desire to create the kind of world I want to live in.  I have read on your website about your history and your values and you all are demonstrating the ideas that I am striving towards in my own life.  I own the 120 acres in Camden, MI where I lived on the dairy farm and I dream of allowing a community there.  There is so much I can learn from what you all have done together and what you are continuing to build.  I am a 50 year old, physically fit, early morning loving, eager woman that would be a positive addition to your team.  

Thank you for your consideration and blessings on your collective.

Love,

Kari

(here's a picture of us, plus our friend Michael Lee and Colette's granson.  I'm the one in the bright blue t-shirt and purple skirt.)

4am raw diary

 

Good morning Love

All is well

There are layers.  Yesterday the familiar, uncomfortable cycle happened.  There is an urge to explain and feel understood.  I want to surrender and let go of control.  I cannot wrestle this to the ground.  This needs gentleness and kindness.  

I need to change.  I want Mateo to change and my change will be brought about seeking Mateo’s change.

He demonstrates behavior identical to his papa’s in a very specific situation.  Focusing on it feels bad and yet also necessary because it is so subtle.

What the behavior tells me is that at times, Mateo feels powerless.  He makes decisions that show me he doesn’t care.  He is imitating his father.

It’s a specific, narcissistic behavior.  I felt so vulnerable.  I felt rage.  I reacted negatively, violently.  I swore. I wrecked his legos.  I spoke aggressively towards him.

This all affirmed his feelings of powerlessness.

Ok. Then the recovery was great, yes.  He is Mateo.  He is NOT papa.  So it’s ok.  He’s going to be ok.

But I want to build him up.  I want to guide him through his feelings of powerlessness and guide him towards excellence and seizing his power.

And that can only be done by my own surrender.  Through gentleness and kindness.

This is not something I can exert my will over and fix.  This is something, like everything, I am asking for help to navigate my way through.

Yesterday I tried to make it seem like Mateo’s behavior was the main issue that needs to be fixed.  My reaction to his behavior was what caused all the fuss.  Wrecking his legos.  Then before bed I spoke aggressively to him about how he was processing the wrecked legos.  

I am asking for help.

My inspiration to build him up following what I am learning in Agape Sunday Services is correct.  What I heard on the Michael Beckwith CD about letting go of control and surrendering fits here also.  Yesterday I was operating from the stage-one of victimhood.  So I have found a specific area of my life where I can let go and surrender.  Good.

When Mateo says things that reveal his weakness, I attack him.

There is a strong urge to feel understood.  To somehow feel acknowledged and receive points for what I’m doing.  Maybe that’s the thing.  I want to let go of DOING this, fixing Mateo’s weakness, fixing my own anger that’s hiding feelings of vulnerability.  I want to let go of fixing it, partly because clearly it is NOT working, I want to let go and surrender.  This is just one area.  It’s a small area.  No one is broken.  

Mateo acts exactly like papa and I react exactly the same way.  He agreed it felt familiar.  I am using Mateo to blah blah blah.

  Ok so I gained a lot of clarity yesterday and right now.  

There’s a fear thing hanging around this.  So I ask for help in letting go of that.  I don’t need to describe exactly what is going on.  I can let go.  I feel terrified that I’m locked in this yucky cycle with Mateo.  It’s ok Kari.  No one is locked into anything.  

Pay attention to inspiration. My prime directive is to know God and receive inspiration.

 My focus can be the kids and my own energy and noticing what thoughts there are and allowing some fresh energy into the details of that particular life circumstance.  I did good yesterday when I said to Mateo about allowing some fresh energy in.  I want to not explain all of this to Mateo.  I want to let Mateo off the hook.  I want him to just be a kid and I want to just be his mom.  I want to be a steady rock mom.  Yes.

A steady, rock mom.  I want to let go of fixing myself and allow my steady, rock mom energy to flow. 

Thank you

(Back to sleep and then I dreamed:

My family has a pack of wild dogs to protect us and keep everyone away.  I am going outside, with the dogs to make friends with the people they are trying to keep away.

YAY!  I woke up with Thank you on my lips.