who am I ?

 Ella Mae opposed Jake

Anna Mae opposed Joe

Aunt Barb opposed Devon

(That's what I saw.  There was so much more)  

Love

(What I see now)

Love

Who am I now that 

kari no longer opposes miguel

Love

my milk cow family

This is J bull about a week ago.  He's been off the rope, free in the new calf pasture since Tuesday, so he was only on the rope for one week.   

This is Chrissy.  She stands well for milking.  Her milk is sweet and she's giving over 2 gallons.  She seems in good / normal spirits, no sign of depression / low energy following the birth of her calf, who was found dead.  Farm partner reported that the calf was well formed, normal looking calf.  It was buried before I saw it, but I believe him.  

This is Trudy's bull calf.  Healthy, spunky little guy.  

Trudy on July 1st.  

Trudy the morning after she had her bull calf.   Today her udder was nice, not too tight.  I took a bit of pressure off.  The rear Left had small amount of curds and that quarter was milked mostly out.  She's robust.  

cream cheese yum

 

analogy

    Discovering or creating an analogy helps me feel like I can explain something so another person might understand.  It feels good to feel understood.  It feels good to communicate clearly and analogies assist me  in feeling clear.

     In this house, ice cream is made with at least six egg yolks, about one cup of sugar, and as much cream and whole milk as is available and one feels like using.  That's the recipe I learned from the housemate and it works really well, meaning, the ice cream is scrumptious. 

    We use our own homemade maple sugar to make the ice cream, and eggs from our chickens, and milk from the cows that generously live here on the farm with us.  I have never used store bought sugar to make a batch of ice cream.  There is a bit of store bought sugar in the cupboard, left here by a dear friend after her bread baking, week-long visit.  If for some reason, I can't imagine what, but if I did use that store bought sugar to make a batch of ice cream, I would be sure to label it as such so that the housemate would know.  Then he would be free to make his own decision about whether or not he wanted to eat it, or just make a different batch with home made sugar.  Same with the eggs.  Sometimes I bring eggs home from the food bank, and I would never use them to make a batch of ice cream. (They are fed to the dogs and kitties.)  If for some strange reason I did use those eggs, I would label the ice cream as such so that the housemate could make his own decision about eating it or just waiting for a fresh batch made with our farm eggs.

     Drinking whole milk is very important to me.  Communicating clearly is very important to me.  The housemate regularly skims cream off of containers of milk and them replaces the container in the refrigerator as if it was whole milk.  I just want to know if its whole milk from the cow or if it has been skimmed so that I can make my own decision about whether I want to drink it or wait until the next day when, praise the Lord, there will be fresh whole milk.  

     A container of milk can be skimmed for all of its cream and the resulting skim milk can be fed to the animals.  Housemate has said out loud that he just takes off enough cream for a small batch of hot chocolate, its not enough cream to make any difference.  Then he puts the container back in the fridge, unlabeled, so that no one but him will know that the milk in that container is no longer whole milk.  I just want to know so that I can make my own choice.   Housemate has also said that sometimes he just pours off the top milk, not agitating the container prior, so all the cream that has risen to the top flows out.  Then he replaces the container back in the fridge as if it were whole milk.  He said that maybe he has changed the milk from 5% cream to 4.97% cream and it shouldn't matter.  I just want to know so that I can make my own choice.  

     It's just good manners to skim a milk container of all its cream and leave the cream in a jar in the fridge so anyone else who wants cream can have it, then the fully skimmed container can be placed in the animal feed area.  

     This is all so silly trying to write it down and explain, but I finally received the ice cream analogy and writing makes me feel better so here it is.  All this milk container and skimming and cream and all of it has just been figured out over time and experience.  Its been fun to discover little systems for using and enjoying the milk.  There's a sweet little decorative patch from Holler Fest that I use to label the cream jar.  I just place the square patch on the jar in the fridge and then housemate knows that is the fresh cream.  Sometimes there can be two or three jars of cream in the fridge at once, but I always put the patch on the fresh jar.  Its just polite.  I enjoy communicating clearly.  

     All things change and it will be nice when this gets easier.  So that is why I threw the milk, because I was so upset after years and years of discussing this, arguing about it, developing systems of communication and I was still not sure if the milk in the fridge was whole milk or 4.97% cream, as he says.  When I saw the milk that I threw, all over my child's legos, his sweet little lego table covered in milk, something broke inside me.  I was released.  Energy shifted and I've been free ever since.  

     Drinking whole milk is NOT more important than my own peace.  I choose my own peace over any sad little skimming games housemate wants to play.  I have my integrity and I still would never make a batch of ice cream with anything but farm ingredients.  I realized that day, as I gazed at lego pieces covered in yucky, sticky milk, that I don't have to throw the milk.  I have a choice.  Always.  In every moment, I have a choice.  I can be upset and hurt that my housemate doesn't communicate clearly, AND I don't have to throw milk.  I can choose my own peace.  

    I am not sorry it happened.  I cherish this new freedom that I claimed that day.  I appreciate the opportunity to see more clearly how free I am.  I don't have to throw the milk.   

answers

 "Can you suggest anything we can do to make the house sharing less controversial?"

Yes I can.

Meditating every morning has improved my experience in the house over the last 9 months.  I sit for 20 minutes and quiet my thoughts, listening to the ticking of a clock.  This process is like training for a race, I am practicing focus.  I am practicing my ability to shift my focus from uncomfortable thoughts to something more pleasant.  

and

Writing a list every morning of things I love has improved my experience in the house over the last 15 months.  

"I love sleeping well.  I love waking up to hear the birds singing.  I love feeling rested.  I love listening to mateo breathe in the bed next to me.  I love writing in this book.  I love to see the ducks waddle down the lane and I love to hear their quacking.  I love loving.  I love feeling relaxed.  I love knowing that all is well..."

This is another tool to help me learn to focus on things that feel good.  I am practicing my ability to focus on what feels good.  

also, changing how I think about you miguel, has improved my experience in the house.  I used to think of you as my boyfriend or my "life partner".  Then it shifted to thinking of you as my Ex, and my perspective has continued to evolve.  You are mateo's dad, his beloved father.  You are my housemate.  To me, you are my farm partner.  You are the wizard that the Universe used to teach me the names and characters of my dearest friends, the plants and the trees.  It is good to come together for the purpose of co-creation.  

I love this farm.

Thank you for asking your question,

love,

kari

Balanced relationships

 Law of Attraction video:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Y-i_lkfxRr0  @ 1 hour 3 min

"I like you pretty good, let's see how it goes.

I like you pretty good.  Let's see what I can do about maintaining my alignment so that the next logical step includes you.  

I take full responsibility for how I feel about you.  and so it is my promise to you that I will practice myself into a focused awareness that will keep me loving you, unconditionally.  I ask not one thing of you, other than vibrational alignment, the alignment I intend to inspire from my own alignment.  So its all on me.  so if you want to play, let's have some fun.  "

Recovery

     I believe people who display narcissistic behavior CAN recover.

Ramani videos :

Can narcissists change?

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vvvZY-pdmQs

10 things people can do to change their narcissistic behavior 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=D60s_zyLeu4

The tremendous growth that comes from surviving a narcissistic relationship

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YmLPLzaQ5MY&t=19s

He drove me to my knees and I discovered Love. Self Love. God's Love. I stopped speaking out loud and discovered that God was listening and guiding me through my heart. I have a deep, ever-expanding, intimate relationship with God, with Love. I wouldn't change a thing. No regrets. I love my life, I love myself, and the horrors that brought me here cannot ever compare to the Glorious Love that I now bask in every single day. It was worth it.

transparent

I feel more comfortable when everything is out in the open.

An e-mail from miguel, my housemate, composed by his daughter, Grace : 

Kari,
Our current living situation is unstable and uncomfortable. I would like to come to a resolution with you that will work for both of us. What are some ideas you have on a fair agreement we can come to in regards to the land so we each have full control over our own space? 
Would you prefer to communicate in writing to come to a resolution or would you like to set up a time to have an in-person discussion when Isaiah is here?
Please let me know your thoughts.

my response:

  when Isaiah is here

miguel's response:

  What do you mean?

my response:

   "or would you like to set up a time to have an in-person discussion when Isaiah is here?"

When Isaiah is here. 

miguel's response:

Can anything be discussed through e-mail?

my response:

  Yes

ahhhhh, yes.  I wrote a letter to his adult offspring awhile ago, wanting to stir the pot and see how things settle out.  Seems things are moving a bit.  Good.  

 

peaceful, Loving silence

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ypI1VAK_xMg

 "They are suffering from their disconnection from who they are.  They have powerful desires that are calling them, and for what ever reason they can't get themselves to let go of the thoughts that pull them apart and so they're just holding themselves in a chronic tug-of-war.  The older people get the more stuck in their patterns of thoughts they are.  And then the more evidence they attract that supports their theories of injustice, and unfairness, and wrong doing in the world.  

There is no one that experiences greater love than your father, he's just not letting it out where you all can see it.  He has the potential for it because through his troubled life he has launched so many rockets of desire that he has big time desire and its all right there for him if he could just find some way of letting it in.  Give yourself the responsibility, the opportunity of seeing him that way, don't try to guide him, don't try to explain it to him, Just know who he is.  And as you come to know who he is unequivocally, you can have a step 5 moment.  You can watch him doing whatever he does that offers his display of dissatisfaction, and you can have practiced knowing who he is so well that instead of feeling yuck, you can be knowing... Yeah, that's just who you are dad. I know why.  i know who you really are and what you really want.  and everybody would be ornery like you under the circumstances but I get why.  

and then when its not yuck but instead you're Loving him, you're understanding him, that understanding goes so far.  You are like the satellite dish that has beamed the signal in closer to him and something that he's been reaching for and can't find is right there standing with him feeling it.  He's gonna start softening a little bit.  When he looks at you and you're smiling not grimacing, you're winking at him, not hiding, you're giving him a thumbs up, not running away from him,  You are with him.  You are with him in your Love for him.   Because that's all he's reaching for.

He would just like some evidence in this world that this is not a crap place to be.  He would just like some evidence in this world that there is truth, and that there is justice, that there is rightness, and that there is a pattern, and that there is a way to live happily ever after.  He just wants to see it demonstrated somewhere, something that he once believed,  that the larger part of him will never let go of.  and wouldn't it be nice if he had some of those moments before he croaks. 

Your inner being is never giving up on him, your inner being knows what he wants and who he is and why he feels the way he does and keeps standing there just waiting for him to come on home to it, to come on home to it.  But as you stand there not yucky, because you're standing with your inner being who is standing with his inner being and you're not on his side of orneriness, but you're on his side of fairness, and justice and truthfulness, you're on his side of respect and things getting better.  You're on his side about Love being across the board.  You're on his side about all the things that he wants.  

You're on his side.  And as you stand there on the side of your inner being so that your energy is not split, your father is giving you this opportunity to discover your relationship with your inner being.  "

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ypI1VAK_xMg

Silence

   "  Because who you really are is WAY downstream, you're going to constantly be in the act of deciding upstream or downstream.  You're never gonna get to the place where you won't have to think about that or feel about that.  

This alignment with Source is not like a college degree  where once you achieve it it is your forever more.  It either is or it isn't in the moment, depending upon what's active within you.  So at a minimum, we would begin, we would make the decision that we're no longer going to have conversations about things that always make you upset.  "

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UGAefMrglAk

    This explains why I don't speak to the housemate.  Frequently when I'm feeling easy and light, I get the urge to speak to the human that I share space with.  Simple topic, easy question, fun idea, just offer a few words to him. 

     No.  Don't do it.  Why?  I forget sometimes, why I don't talk to him.  I love people, I love talking to people.  This guy that I live with shares with me so many of the same ideas about the world, it would be fun to talk to him. 

     No.  Don't do it kari.  Why?

    Because you made the decision that you're no longer going to have conversations that always make you upset.  Over the ten years you have spent living and working with this man, he has clearly and consistently demonstrated that any attempt to verbally communicate, about any topic, regardless of how simple or celebratory, will end in deep confusion, at a minimum.  I like clarity.  I like clear communication, honest sharing of ideas.  So I choose to not speak with my housemate because my priority is my own peace, my own enjoyment of life.  

    Its so sad that I had to write it down, because many times its hard to believe, even for me.  What I know for sure is that since I have chosen my peace over interacting with him, my life has improved dramatically.  

Done.  Everything changes and maybe he will choose to create new habits of thought, but that is irrelevant.  Either way, I have my peace.  My peace is my choice and whether or not he skims the milk and then puts it back in the fridge like its whole milk, I sill have my peace.  

    I love loving myself enough to claim my own freedom.  

 

Goddess

     Cows have become for me, beings of divine nature.  They have been my constant companions for over 10 years.  Every day we spend time together.  In the sunshine, the rainstorm, the blowing snow and cold, the cows and I spend some quality time.

    They feed me, they feed my child, they make the soil that grows my garden.  Cows have healthy, independent births every single year, bringing a sweet baby cow to the farm, our home.  We share this place on earth, the cows and I.  I walk through their pasture on my way to the woods and gaze adoringly at their beautiful, bountiful bodies shining in the sun.  

    The cows taught me how to communicate with them.  Watching how they move with each other and how they respond to me, brought me more deeply into their world.  Cows don't respond to voice and I love to be moving among them, silent, using my body and my clear intention to communicate.  It is so pleasant to be silent and in satisfying communication with such a large, sturdy being.  I feel safe and honest, we trust each other.  

    I came here not knowing that I am a Goddess.  I had forgotten.  My natural Goddess nature had been covered and squished.  Cows helped me remember.  I am a Goddess.  A female being capable and willing to grow a baby inside my body and bring it forth into this glorious world to drink perfect milk from my breasts.  The bulls are fine and necessary but the cows are Goddesses just like me.  

    Every morning for almost ten years the fearful, insecure male that lives here verbally assaults the cows.  Name calling is his typical choice, calling a cow "dummy",  or "fruitcake", and many other disrespectful, condescending names in his dismissive, arrogant tones.  The rage of every female being that has endured unimaginable torture at the hands of pathetic males burst forth from my chest and throat.  The cows stood silently as this "man" offered trash talk and my inner Goddess awakened and lashed out from her covering.  How dare you say anything but "thank you" to these powerful, gorgeous creatures? 

    Just two days ago in the milk house with a beautiful cow he fearfully, meanly called her a fruitcake.  After 40 years of working with cows, he has chosen not to respect the normal, expected behavior of a cow who has given birth just 24 hours ago to a healthy calf.  After my ten years with the cows it is pure bliss for me to watch a fresh mama sort of act all jumpy and agitated, to listen to her moos, and bask in the magnificent Goddess energy of an 800 pound animal in perfect Love with her new baby.  

    My Goddess has been uncovered and she is fully awake, thanks to the cows and the verbally abusive male that taught me how not to interact with animals.  I do appreciate the opportunity to flow some rage that needed to move, and to come awake into my full power.  Now I can stand in the milk house and peacefully, silently observe his pathetic display of male fear in the face of a Cow, a Goddess he knows he will never choose to appreciate.  

    Steady.  That's what the cows are.  They show me how to be a steady Goddess.  No lowly creature offering cheap words can disturb the beauty and peace that resides here.  It will be beautiful to one day work with a family of humans that honestly see the spectacular generosity and graceful power of these cows that share my home.  

Fences

    Exchanging letters with my friend in Idaho exists as one of my great life pleasures.  Recently one of her letters contained a few comments of the mess she was cleaning up from the previous stewards of her land. That description of her experience has translated my own frustration into a more gentle, soothing view of what I have been experiencing on my land.  Letting go of the brain habit of criticism and anger, I can more comfortably see that I own 120 acres and the previous steward let some things go that now I am cleaning up.  ahhhhhh... that feels better.  Thank you friend for sharing your life in a letter and unknowingly providing me with a healthy, balanced perspective to apply to my life here, so far away from you but ever so much closer.  

    Back at the beginning, eleven years ago, I remember driving in the car on our way home from visiting farm partner's friends, arguing about fences.  It was what was to become a typical argument, until I woke up years later and withdrew my contribution to the madness.  Bachelor's prepared Intensive Care Nurse of 12 years, turned farmer, trying to learn and understand fences, what seemed to me one of the major components of the type of farm I found myself living on.   Insecure and desperate for constant reassurance, I began the cycle of allowing myself to be shut down and squished by this irresponsible mentor I had newly given my life to.  That's the beginning of what I remember as withdrawing my attention from fences.  It wasn't worth the effort of interacting with him.  I simply wrote off a significant piece of the farm, imagining that he had lived here for 30 years with out me, so likely he would just continue maintaining fences as before.  My desire to learn and participate was obviously not something that farm partner was able to incorporate into his world.  

     I have awakened from a dream.  Moving here from the city eleven years ago, falling into a terribly beautiful dream where so much happened.  I learned from the cows how to interact with them.  I learned how to drive a tractor and pull a hay rake; how to butcher a 1,000 pound bull and a 400 pound pig.  The wizard that is farm partner allowed me to follow him around in the fields and forest and learn the names of trees and so many plants; how to tap maple trees and boil their sap all the way into sugar.  Living this lifestyle, my physical body healed from many imbalances and I continue to become healthier and stronger as I age.  The first 6 1/2 years of my child's life I was asleep in my dream and free to spend every moment with him, developing our intimate, honest, fun-loving relationship.  It was a good dream and I have no regrets.  Now, I am awake.  

    A few weeks ago I went out into the pasture to find the milk cows and bring Ms. Beauty up to the milk house like every other morning.  After a long and glorious walk through this gorgeous piece of earth, the cows were discovered over at the neighbors, munching away on his pretty lawn.  As I spent the next two hours bringing the cows home, it gently and lovingly occurred to me that I had allowed this to happen.  This is my land, these are my cows, and they got through MY fences.  I called my neighbor and let him know that I had been neglecting my fences, for eleven years, and my cows had been in his yard.  Thus the awakening began.  Later, walking the property line "fence" was shocking.  Seems I have got some work to do.  Thank God my friend provided the gentle context of just cleaning up what the previous steward had left.  Whether he remains physically here or not, I now clearly understand that he left quite a few years ago and I have a mess to clean up.

    There is nothing I would rather do and no other place I would rather be.  I am home.  I feel a little silly for sleeping so long, but that's just an old habit.  I know for sure that I am Loved, nothing has gone wrong, every thing is as it should be, my timing is perfect, and every thing is working out for me.  There are many neighbors and friends available to join me in my wakened state and that feels wonderful.  Welcome, Kari, to your beautiful life.  It's nice to have you here. 

following inspiration

     Awake easily, feeling rested, just before 6 am.  Down grassy hill to chicken coop, pull rope to open chicken sized door.  Good morning!  Pet the doggies. Great the sky.  Stretch, water, nice, easy poo, water, then sit and meditate for 20 min.  Write one page of things to appreciate: I love knowing that all is well.  I love sitting on this cushion facing east.  I love hearing the birds sing...

    Walk out to get the cows and they are close, short walk this morning.  Beauty the cow and Junia with her 5 day old bull calf come up the lane to the milk house.  Nab bull by the ear and wrestle halter in place, tie to a sturdy post.  Learning to lead and be around the humans.

   8 am Farm partner milks cows while I head out to Red barn.  Complete top of Red barn sweeping, old straw collected in wheel barrow and barrels and large bags.  Multiple trips across jungle yard to chicken coop, delivering straw for bedding for the next year.  YAY

    Short break and then out to pine trees behind saw building.  Clear fence line of pine boughs, baby mulberry and walnut trees, rose bushes, vines and such.  Open a clear path so fence can be seen clearly and repaired to hold calves securely.   Loppers clear the way and pine boughs break loudly when bent back by hand.  Gloves and shoes for this task.

Half and hour break, drink milk, find a piggy on craigs list, message sent.  

   4 pm  Out to the beautiful hay field that is our yard.  Barefoot now, yes.   Farm partner has been cutting grass with the scythe for a few days.  Top of the Red barn is ready and waiting.  Just try it.  Never done this before.  Just try it, nothing to lose, see if the grass dries up there.  Heavy, wet, dense grass raked into piles and stuffed into large bags.  Two bags fit in wheel barrow, good.  Over to the Red barn, bags too heavy to lift up ladder into loft.  IDEA comes.  Pulley.  Where did I put that pulley from Stephanie?  Eyes close, hand to heart, breathe, YES, hanging in the lean-too.  Walk easily and find it there.  Yes, there's a rope and here's a thick piece of twine.  Hook everything up and PULL, and PULL, its going up!  The heavy bag of hay is rising up into the top of the Red barn.  Stuck at opening, rope holds easily wrapped around wood block, climb ladder and push bag up through hole with my head - ha!  It worked!  I got 4 full bags up there in 2 hours, with a break in the middle to call and speak to pig lady.

    Turns out we know each other from years ago and there's a long friendly chat.  Finish hay and step into garden for a short visit.  Clear weeds to reveal Daisy patch and Echinacea coming up.  Nibble on chives, baby kale, and tot soi greens.  Onions coming up YAY!!!

Now here I sit, in celebration.  In joy.  I am loved and cared for and going tomorrow afternoon to pick up my Piggy.  My child is happy and healthy and safe and he came out with me to load the 3rd bag of hay and take a look at my super cool pulley system.  I brushed his hair and looked in his eyes today.  All is well.

Satisfaction.  Content.  Loved.  

HAY

     Gorgeous sight, grass cut, lying on the earth, drying in the sun.  To me, looks like milk in the winter time.  Looks like baby cows growing inside their mothers.  

    Sweep out the top of the Red Barn.  Dry straw covers the floor, falling generously down the ladder hole to ground level.  Looks like bedding.  Looks like a cozy chicken coop all summer, into winter.  

Abundance - everywhere 

Child swinging from a rope in the top of the Red Barn.  Laughing, flying, making things fun.  Kept me up there happily, focused much longer than expected.  Sweep, clear, open, organize, decide, imagine, listen for inspiration.  Imagine this place clean and holding hay, keep the hay dry, feed the animals, harvest the milk, feed the human family that lives here sharing space with all the creatures and the Red Barn.  Go to receive a space for hay and find bedding for a whole year.  Abundance.

Go to claim a new way to make hay and receive hours of fun with the child.  Giggle and shout joyous noise as straw is pushed over the edge, piling up at the foot of the ladder.  Push straw like a dog digging a hole, arms moving fast through legs as floor is cleared again and again.  Create game of swinging to safety from the broom giant who sweeps the floor, chomping straw under the rope.  Laugh and swing, sweep and roar, clear the floor, together.  Good time spent, memories made, enjoying the journey of freedom.  

    Neighbor friend mentioned that other neighbor wondered out loud if I was sleeping with my housemate anymore.  In neighbor's culture, man and woman live together and woman doesn't have a choice.  Visiting with neighbors later that day, I mentioned to woman neighbor that I have been a single woman for over 3 years.  Yes there is a child in our house but he is 6 1/2 years old and I have since, consciously chosen my own self respect, my own dignity, my own power as a single woman.  There has been no physical desire or contact for a long enough time that even he might understand how single I am.  

    Explained to neighbor that he is my housemate, my farm partner, the father of the child, someone I share space with.  My name is on the deed, I own 120 acres.  

I am home.

     I am your neighbor.  and your friend.  This is my life I share with you.   She asked me, "what was he doing on the tractor early morning, lights on, unusual?".   

Clarity felt good in response to an honest neighbor question,  "I don't know.

We rarely speak."

Kind neighbor gently nodded her understanding.  We've lived on this road with him for over 20 years.  We understand.  

I am not alone.  

mother moment

Child returns from adventure with papa.  Outside on the deck shaking a rug, I see his face and wave, feeling the usual joy and excitement in my heart.  He’s back!  Easily, quickly notice the posture, the energy of something off in him.  His usual, expected, reliable bounding joy rests underneath something heavy.  Basking in my mama’s heart, the knowing of her child, I drop all that I was engaged in, as entire being goes to be present with the boy.  

The singularness of purpose feels good.  Clear.  Everything that I was happily pursuing falls away as if never having been.  Pointed focus on the child and anything he may need.  No wavering, no wondering, no scattered thoughts anymore as mind hones in, with heart, to meet the child. 

  I am a mother. 

      In moments like these all that I am sings Mother.  I am every woman that has ever lived to see their own child.  The definition of mother fills my chest and walks my legs out of the house to the young human just returned from adventure. 

No fear or worry, just quiet focus on the being of pure Love before me.  I am mother simply because I allow myself to be mothered perfectly by God.  I openly and intentionally receive God’s Love every single morning and many moments throughout each day.  So I can walk to my baby with peaceful heart and meet what ever it is that covers his joy.  Anything.  Give me what ever it is, all of it, your truth dear one, I want it and I can handle all of it.  God holds me up and holds me tight and there is enough to hold you and your burden.  Come here into my arms and rest.  All is well.  

I Love that feeling, that sureness, the knowing that all is well.  I love that I can see from way up on the deck that something is off with the child.  I love knowing him so well that just a glance tells me all I need to know.  I go to him and make Love available, filled with appreciation and joy as he accepts, climbing into my lap to talk and cry.  I am blessed.  I am the richest woman in the world to have this little man trust me, share his heart with me, rest with me.  I am fulfilled.

Thank God he’s ok.  Thank God it wasn’t worse.  Thank God he’s here telling me about it.  All is well. 

 

change

  Changing colors of early morning and evening time.  Watching the details of trees and grass reveal themselves with the slow and gentle lightening of the sky.     Wandering around as earth turns away from sun, sky dances in pink and orange, fading to grey.  Sharp edges of buildings and fences soften and disappear as light takes a rest for this day, eager to return in the morning. 

    Day time is wonderful, as is dark night, and I love the gentle slow changes of sunrising and sunsetting.  I love the newness of the very same trees as they sharpen from dark blobs to majestic beings reaching for the sky that lightens in the sun.  I love the closing of the evening time as all that held my focus gently fades and softens, slowly disappearing into darkness, allowing time to rest. 

    The pure cycle of a single day.  Begin new, discover, rediscover your world beautifully lit up by the morning sunshine.  Live life, focus, create, struggle, try, enjoy, bask and now dear friend, rest.  Release and allow it all to fade away, letting go of what you knew, as clear edges blur and meld into soft darkness.  Rest.  Know that tomorrow is new.  Every single time.  

earth

  I love living connected to mother earth.  It’s not a liberal, hippie phrase I use, mother earth.  After more than 10 years living on this farm, when I write or say mother earth, I am referring to an intimate partner in my life.  Just as some would say my child Louis, or, Lisa my mom, I say mother earth.  This creature cares for me by providing ground for my feet to walk on.  She feeds me and my child wonderful, delicious, abundant food.  She dazzles my eyes every morning with her atmosphere changing color from dark darkness, to subtle dark blue, lightening bluish-grey, pink, orange, and finally to the most brilliant sky blue anywhere “on the planet”.  At night she rests in her perfect orbit under a blanket of fantastic bright, twinkling stars, set for me to gaze upon.  Mother earth is my home and she ties me to everyone else.

Inviting people to the farm for a visit feels like an offer to return home.  They usually have their own place to call home but this farm is a piece of mother earth that demonstrates what their planet can look like in her freedom.  Yes, she remains your home with cement sidewalks and pavement, but come here to see your home when she’s allowed to be free.  It’s just a way of getting to know her more deeply.  This place isn’t the correct way for humans to live on earth, but it is a chance for humans to deepen their relationship with her.  Walking through the fields and the woods here shows a person how beautiful and peaceful and abundant their home is capable of being.  

I love living on Mother Earth.  I love how big she is.  I love knowing that anywhere “in the world” there are people I have never met, who live on the mother earth that I call home.  We humans are connected by this great being that travels through the sky around the sun.  She holds us and feeds us and offers a home to the birds who sing and decorate the sky.  I have lived here my whole life, on this planet, and it feels so good to begin deepening my relationship with earth.  At 47 years old, I can now see how the sunshine looks different in the early spring than it did in the winter.  Intellectually I could explain that the angle of the earth relative to the sun has shifted in those few months, but now I can see it with my eyes.  I experience the subtle differences in sunshine.  I know that the sunshine shines differently now than it did a few months ago.  Wow.  Its like reading about cheese for years, never having tasted it, and then eating cheese for the very first time.  Yum!  

Testimony

  Testimony of Self-Sufficiency

    A friend recently told me that he intends to be producing 80% of his own food by the year 2040.  Oh it is not going to take you that long dear heart.  All you need are some fences and some friends, the earth will take care of the rest.  

    One of the primary spiritual lessons I have learned while living out here in the deep country centers on abundance.  There is enough.  There is more than enough.  There is more than I can physically harvest.  Earth has lovingly showed me how to release the entire concept of producing.  She gives and I receive, done.  The Universe gives Love and as I receive this abundant, infinite flow of Love I also receive everything else that I could ever want.  It comes in ways that I am learning to recognize.  My tiny human mind imagines how things will look, so it takes a bit of practice to begin to see the subtle, surprising ways that my heart’s desire is being answered every day, in ways that look so different than what the mind had scripted.  There is evidence all around me, moment by moment, of how things are fitting together into the great mystery puzzle that is my life.  I get glimpses sometimes of the pieces moving and sliding into place with a satisfying click, snug in their home amongst all the pieces.  Satisfaction.  Contentment.  These are the things of human life.  These are the gifts that I can receive and then spill over onto all my friends and family.

As I lay back and relax, truly basking in the eternal Love that is God, I am filled with the energy and inspiration I desire to be of positive influence on my child, my housemate, my neighbors, strangers, all the creatures of this planet we share.  

I thought I wanted a building moved out to the edge of the woods, and I do want it moved.  As I stood back and watched I could see the universe healing an old, painful relationship with my neighbors.  What?  All right, yes.  I do very much desire comfortable relationships with these people that live down the road and pass my house and my child every day, yes.  The little human mind with it’s old pain and habits could not even imagine how to heal, where to begin, how it would ever recover from the humiliation of saying, I am sorry for many years of being so ugly.  There hadn’t even been any conscious idea of moving through the current state of yuck into a friendly, wave hello neighborhood.  So I stood in absolute shock, on my own property, as my neighbors worked together moving a building, for me.  Oh.  Wow.  Well thank you God.  Yes please.  Yes I can see how you looked into my heart, giving my little mind a gentle pat as you went past it right into my heart. 

     "Here you go dear girl, here, how about we use this lovely building moving project to just clean up this whole neighborhood thing?  Your intention to live in this spot for the rest of your physical life is clear, along with your desire for a peaceful life, so We’re just going to begin a fresh relationship with these other people over here who will likely live down the road from you the whole time.  We’re just sneaking this in on the side of the building moving because that’s the most comfortable way and we love you and want you to be comfortable.  Healing doesn’t have to destroy you when you allow us to manage it.  Its ok to be comfortable, to take the easy way.  We are good at the easy way, so just follow along as your life becomes sweeter and sweeter.  Living Loved is the greatest honor you could ever show us."

There it is, done.  I now have a fresh start, comfortable ground to stand on with my neighbors.  Now I can continue building our relationship towards something pretty and attractive instead of where it was going.  Holding this freedom and experience close, I can rest and allow my neighborhood to follow the path of Love that has been reestablished by God themselves.  Because I got out of the way.  I believed enough in Love to ride along with plans I did not understand but knew were inspired by the infinite, creative universe.  It feels so good to be Loved.  

be the change I want to see in the world

 Facilitating change

    Attending the township meetings is where I have learned a bit about what happens to some of the money paid for property taxes.  Paying property taxes is reasonable and I want to continue supporting my township in our maintenance of the library, the roads, and the elections.  Much of the money collected from property taxes is spent in ways that can be greatly trimmed and on things that I will opt out of supporting.  

At the township meetings I learned that the money from my property taxes, in part pays for limestone to be spread on dirt roads. I learned that this limestone is usually scraped in to the ditch shortly after it is spread, due to the impossible task of scheduling proper maintenance of so many roads in the county.  The township representatives also explained, through their own complaining, that the county usually spreads the limestone when the roads are hard and dry, instead of when they are soft, which allows the limestone to fulfill its purpose.  I am done paying for limestone.  I love living on a dirt road.  The road gets muddy and filled with potholes and ruts.  I drive slowly and enjoy looking at the scenery.  There are many people living on this road that organize their life in a way that requires large semi-trucks with trailers to travel down our pretty dirt road.  These neighbors can pay for limestone to “maintain” the road so their trucking partners can easily travel with their loads of animal feed, live animals, and logs.  If they want to do something to make money, and spend that money on limestone that ends up in the ditch, I fully support them in doing that.

Another thing I learned at the township meetings is that brine is sprayed for dust control.  My house sits very near the road and I spend a lot of time on our front porch.  I see dust fly around when vehicles go by and it doesn’t bother me at all.  We have kept our yard in such a way that a great hedge of wild plants has grown up between the road and the yard.  There are trees, Autumn Olive and Elder Berry bushes, wild grape vines and more that easily block road dust from our home.  These plants grew out of Mother Earth for free, they were not purchased and planted.  Some people don’t want their yard to look like ours does, and I don’t want to pay for brine.  People who are bothered by road dust are welcome to work a job to make money and then spend that money on brine.  I am done paying for brine.  

Something that can be greatly trimmed is the use and maintenance of the building called Township Hall.  As the Township and the Village have less money to spend, they will work things out and find a way to share space.  I am done paying for an entire building to be used by the Township while the Village residents pay for an entirely separate building that is just 10 steps away to the north.  It is good for humans to have less and push themselves a bit into creative ideas about how to adjust practices and share space.  I am done paying for the Township building in its current state of use.  

freedom / taxes

    Creating the world I want to live in.  Where people who live on a dirt road and have a problem with the dust, pay for brine to be spread.  A world where people who live on a dirt road and are not bothered by dust, keep their money for things other than brine.  (The trees, bushes, and vines have been allowed to grow, blocking the dust.  The earth grew them for free, no dollars, and they eliminate the need to spend dollars for brine.)  A world where people who live on paved roads do not pay property taxes towards the cost of brine, which is used for the sole purpose of sparing people from road dust, people who have prevented plants that block the dust.  

  

Breakfast

     Feeding people has always fulfilled me in a meaningful way.  In high school, friends came over to my basement for a New Year’s party.  It wasn’t my style to go out and buy snacks, I wanted to offer them homemade cookies.  The cookies didn’t turn out real well but I had already enjoyed myself in their baking and presenting to my friends.  As a nurse in the burn unit, feeding people remained fulfilling for me and became professionally relevant.  Burn survivors require huge caloric intakes to rebuild their tissues.  Watching and encouraging my patients to eat, assessing the empty dishes on their tray, and then documenting their intake was easily the highlight of any twelve hour shift for this nurse.

Now I am a mother.  Oh the glorious experience of feeding the baby from my own physical body.  Choosing foods to eat myself knowing that this magnificent body will transform those foods into rich, nourishing food for the baby.   Aaaahhhhh, so satisfying.  Baby has grown well and is nearly 6 1/2 years old.  Lately there has been deep satisfaction every morning as I lovingly prepare his breakfast.  It starts first thing when I get up in the dark, quiet house, child sleeping peacefully in his bed.  The yellow ceramic pot where the oats have been soaking all night in fresh, whole milk - that comes out of the cold and sits comfortably on the warm side of the cook stove.  Wooden spoon stirs the oats, milk, and butter.  Pot will heat slowly while I go take care of myself by meditating for 20 minutes.  The routine of the yellow pot shines brightly in my heart as one of the infinite joys of being a mother to my child and receiving personal fulfillment in feeding him.  Lately its been cornbread muffins for breakfast.  We baked them together, the child and I.  He gathers the measuring cups and mixing bowls, measures the baking mix, mixes in the milk and eggs, and even butters the muffin pan.  Baking has become an immensely rewarding activity that we share together.  All the better when we’re baking something meant for his own breakfast.  The muffins turned out well and he prefers them with great slabs of our homemade butter, which again, is so satisfying for me to watch him eat butter first thing in the morning.  I love to think of his body being wrapped in nourishment, growing and developing perfectly.  First thing I do now when I get up in the dark, quiet house is get a large chunk of butter from the cold, putting it on his plate at the table to soften while he sleeps. 

I love to feed people, especially the child.  He makes it extra fun with his honest exclamations of how delicious he finds the food.   These generally come after the meal is complete, as the child naturally sits in silence while eating.  This time of year there are birds to watch on the deck, pecking at the block of lard that sits waiting for their enjoyment.  Early on I noticed that generally we eat at different times in this house, but I wanted to share time with the child so I intentionally sit down next to him while he eats.  It has become a sacred time for me.  A time of worship and healing.  

As the 47 year old woman that I am, its hard to be quiet and its hard to hold still.  I want to feel comfortable with silence.  I want to feel peaceful in my body and sit still, not needing to release anxious energy by fidgeting.  I want my kid to remain free of many of the things that I struggle with, so I want to demonstrate to him how mama can sit still and quiet, feeling content and peaceful.  Intentionally joining the child at table has become a sacred time of practice with my teacher.  

Most mornings here see the child and I at table quietly watching the birds while he eats the lovely food that fulfilled my heart’s desire in its preparation.  Child’s father behind us at the computer watching videos with headphones.  It is a lovely way to spend mornings here on the farm.  All this routine and pleasantness has naturally evolved, each of us following our own unique flow.  

After the good breakfast and time together, I am in the living room writing or messaging friends on the computer.  I hear the father standing over the child telling him about the weather, trying to get him away from the computer, telling him repeatedly that he needs to eat a good breakfast.  The child says nothing.

After knowing what I know about the child’s morning, having experienced everything that we shared together, while the father sat a few feet away in the same room staring at the computer,  and now to hear him tell the child he needs to eat a good breakfast, that is very confusing.  

    In the moment, I received it as a personal assault on everything I hold dear around feeding the child, and also as incredibly arrogant and rude to tell a child with a belly full of his mama's good breakfast, "you need to eat a good breakfast".  My intention in writing this is to claim the freedom, claim the clarity I received yesterday following my reaction to this comment and my subsequent recovery from the reaction.  What happened yesterday broke open something that needed to come out into the light and writing is soothing to my soul as it heals from years and years of being a human.

    Taking his comment personally, becoming offended by his words demonstrates the habit of mind that is being healed.  I was raised by a woman who was constantly offended, who lived in perpetual defense of herself against imagined attack.  Vulnerable.  That's what I was taught.  You are vulnerable and you must defend yourself.  You are justified to fight back, using any means necessary, to preserve yourself against these mean people.  Fear.  Living in fear of annihilation.  Playing the "oh poor me" card any chance you get.  Living as a victim, using anger to cover up the fear.  It is only a habit of the mind.  There are cute little neurons in the brain that just fire, that's what they're meant to do.   My mother was raised by a fearful woman who criticized people and complained angrily to numb herself against fear.  My grandmother was raised by the same kind of woman.  It probably went back farther than that, but I know from stories and my own experience that this is the line of people I come from.  

    I am done with it.  It ends here, with me.  

    I take responsibility for my neurons now.  I am consciously, intentionally forming new habits of the mind.  I'm not trying to avoid the old habits, I'm just replacing them joyfully and determinedly.  Things are different for me already, I've seen great results in my reactions to people and my decreasing level of anxiety, my new found experience of peace and contentment.  

    I believe in co-creation and I understand how momentum works.  That morning with the good breakfast was the perfect storm.  The man that uttered those words nearly exclusively lives in a vibration that attracts unkindness, and the two of us have 10 years of momentum behind unpleasant exchanges.  I sunk down to his vibration with my old habit of being offended and together we rode the momentum of the past.  

    "you need to eat a good breakfast" to me sounded so much like he was saying:

I don't value your mama.  I don't notice or even care about how she takes care of you.  I don't notice what goes on in this house and anything that your mama may be doing is not important, not relevant.    Because I was raised to get validation from people and not God, the infinite source of perfect Love, it has been easy for me to be crushed.  I was taught by my mother, my aunts, and the movies I watched that a woman is fulfilled by a human man and doesn't really become relevant in our society until she has secured one man with a ring and a public display of commitment where the woman wears a big, poofy white dress.  The woman then has the rest of her life to criticize and demean this man who must stay loyal to only her, regardless of how she treats him.  I learned that she is justified in her unkind ways towards him because he can never treat her well enough and he can never do enough things for her to make her happy. My dying neurons kicked in and fulfilled their electrical duty of firing off an old habit of attack in defense of annihilation.  This fulfilled the father's vibration attracting unkindness and the whole thing was carried bouncing along the river of momentum.  La - dee - dah, here we goooooooo.......

    The newly embraced and much practiced habit of recovery from these episodes felt so good.  Breathe, know that all is well.  Let go of shame and guilt because they only intensify and prolong the yuck, and because co-creation and momentum are real.  Move past guilt right into acceptance.  That happened.  And right now I am calm and quiet, in a new moment.  Receive from the infinite source of Love, what clarity can there be from this particular exchange?  It was easy to see what I don't want and so now turn openheartedly towards what I do want.  I want to be kind.  I want to respond to any condition, to any person, with kindness.  I want to keep hold of my peace.  I want to recognize my need to release energy and I want to release it in healthy, comfortable ways.  aaahhhhh, that feels better, ok, thank you.

    It became clear to me that when I heard "you need to eat a good breakfast", he was not saying any of the things I imagined.  He was saying: I'm uncomfortable and my style of dealing with uncomfortableness is to talk, to fill empty space with words, to boss people around and tell them how to live and what to do.  He was saying:  I have watched videos all morning again and my body is stiff, my feet are cold because of the poor circulation I am perpetuating by sitting in this chair for hours each day and I will numb myself to my own discomfort by talking, by telling another person what to do so that I feel important.  There's no reason to be personally offended by any of that.  Let him work out his own junk in the way he has chosen to work it out.

    None of what he says needs to matter to me.  It will be nice when I share space with someone who takes care of themselves.  It will be nice to share space with someone who desires to know what goes on in their own house.  It will be nice to share space with someone who is fulfilled from the infinite source of Love and so has some pleasant energy to share with other humans.

    This all needed to come out and now its out.  Bottom line, I am responsible for my own joy and my own pain.  I am not responsible for anyone else's joy or pain.  I have found the infinite source of Love and I go to that source daily for replenishment, for fulfillment.  Moment by moment I know how to tap into the eternal source and I will continue riding the upward spiral for the rest of my joyful human days.   

Feeling pleased that the child does not rush to see in a mirror after the hair cut.  Hand reaches up to feel how the locks have been styled, hair cropped close on the sides while longer hair on top continues to flop in all directions.   He is satisfied.  

    Most of what he learns comes from the things not said and the things not done.  The child already loves himself coming forth, that is part of being a human.  Living here without a mirror, that inherent self Love develops purely, gently, without the information that a good, clear mirror provides.  Catching one’s reflection in a dark window or the still water of a pond becomes a fascination and offers vague, easy images that won’t be locked in the mind for criticism.  It feels good to live in a few areas of life, as an original human.  Gazing upon one's reflection in a clear, modern mirror offers information that humans have only had access to in the recent past.  Knowing each line of our own face and how the hair looks has come relatively recently in human culture.  Living without a mirror allows sensory information from touch and imagination to take priority over what the eyes report. 

    Experiencing a smile as simply the pure expression of heart overflowing Love feels pure and untainted by one’s knowledge or concern about the details of what that smile looks like.  Are there lines, does one eye squint, are the teeth straight or crooked, are they white enough?  The child has permission to just smile, to laugh, to cut his hair, to just live and thrive as a human without the visual image of his own face burned into the mind.  Seeing one’s own face multiple times a day in a clear mirror serves no purpose and presents information that cannot be ignored.  Living without a mirror is an experiment to discover the freedom a human can experience when allowed to go without certain visual information.  

Living without a mirror has been a huge change for me.  It just happened.  I left the city, my job, and public bathrooms when I moved into this house, onto this farm, in the deep country.  There is a nice bathroom here but there was not a mirror hanging anywhere.  Somewhere along the path a small ceramic plaque came to hang in the place one would expect to find a mirror.  The plaque reads, “walk by faith, not by sight”.  The lifestyle I was leading of not wearing makeup, and having beautiful hair instead of a hair style that required fixing and setting fit the culture around not using a mirror.  Not having a job meant that it did not matter what I looked like since I was no longer representing my employer.  I began living as a human representing God and my own true self. 

      Not a lot changed without the mirror as I continued to wash the face and brush the teeth and hair.  The biggest difference came when occasionally I would find myself in a public bathroom or at a friend’s house in front of a clear, large mirror.  Oh, look at that!  I am quite pretty.  Oh right, my hair is grey, I forget about that and all that it means in our culture, especially since I’m not even 50 years old.  So many times since living without a mirror someone will stare or even comment on my hair and I can feel my brain reaching to understand until suddenly, I remember what they are seeing.  The beautiful grey, silver hair that sprouts from my head.  The lines on my face are deepening and there is no need to inspect them daily.  My teeth are sturdy and comfortable, no need to see them with my eyes every single day.  

    There lives a trust, a faith that has developed in the place where my mirror used to hang.  It’s so easy to Love myself.  Its so easy to feel the Love that God feels for me.  God doesn’t look at me with human eyes, and neither do I.  

Trees reaching high

Glorious stretch up, up, out, high up towards the sky

Celebrate!

Trees call joyfully

Celebrate!

Look at this lovely world

See the perfect sky

Reach up and stretch

Feel the stable earth holding sure

Breathe up from the earth and reach 

Up up towards the sky

The heavens, the clouds, the mystery

Feel the wind guiding your reach

Gently back and forth, back and forth

Celebrate the movement, rocking in the wind

Celebrate reaching towards infinite heights 

Tree stands rooted to solid, heavy earth 

Tree reaches up up to celebrate the possibilities, the joy, the perfection

Of Love 

Recovery

Feeling so dark and so low many days in a row.

Getting good at soothing myself, letting things be as they are.  And then the SWEET relief.  The humble morning when my primary goal is to keep my mouth peacefully silent.  Singing allowed, but only from inspiration.  The clearness, the ease.  I vaguely remember just yesterday how heavy and dark things felt, but there’s no need to figure anything out. 

  Look where I am Now!  

Feel this lightness, this ease of being.  Sit quietly for just a few moments and receive the thrilling inspiration to stretch. Oh yes!  My lovely body wants some movement and gentle release after supporting the dark and heavy times.  Sweet, darling body, you are so good to me.  Thank God for darkness to make this light so brilliantly bright and free.