Exchanging letters with my friend in Idaho exists as one of my great life pleasures. Recently one of her letters contained a few comments of the mess she was cleaning up from the previous stewards of her land. That description of her experience has translated my own frustration into a more gentle, soothing view of what I have been experiencing on my land. Letting go of the brain habit of criticism and anger, I can more comfortably see that I own 120 acres and the previous steward let some things go that now I am cleaning up. ahhhhhh... that feels better. Thank you friend for sharing your life in a letter and unknowingly providing me with a healthy, balanced perspective to apply to my life here, so far away from you but ever so much closer.
Back at the beginning, eleven years ago, I remember driving in the car on our way home from visiting farm partner's friends, arguing about fences. It was what was to become a typical argument, until I woke up years later and withdrew my contribution to the madness. Bachelor's prepared Intensive Care Nurse of 12 years, turned farmer, trying to learn and understand fences, what seemed to me one of the major components of the type of farm I found myself living on. Insecure and desperate for constant reassurance, I began the cycle of allowing myself to be shut down and squished by this irresponsible mentor I had newly given my life to. That's the beginning of what I remember as withdrawing my attention from fences. It wasn't worth the effort of interacting with him. I simply wrote off a significant piece of the farm, imagining that he had lived here for 30 years with out me, so likely he would just continue maintaining fences as before. My desire to learn and participate was obviously not something that farm partner was able to incorporate into his world.
I have awakened from a dream. Moving here from the city eleven years ago, falling into a terribly beautiful dream where so much happened. I learned from the cows how to interact with them. I learned how to drive a tractor and pull a hay rake; how to butcher a 1,000 pound bull and a 400 pound pig. The wizard that is farm partner allowed me to follow him around in the fields and forest and learn the names of trees and so many plants; how to tap maple trees and boil their sap all the way into sugar. Living this lifestyle, my physical body healed from many imbalances and I continue to become healthier and stronger as I age. The first 6 1/2 years of my child's life I was asleep in my dream and free to spend every moment with him, developing our intimate, honest, fun-loving relationship. It was a good dream and I have no regrets. Now, I am awake.
A few weeks ago I went out into the pasture to find the milk cows and bring Ms. Beauty up to the milk house like every other morning. After a long and glorious walk through this gorgeous piece of earth, the cows were discovered over at the neighbors, munching away on his pretty lawn. As I spent the next two hours bringing the cows home, it gently and lovingly occurred to me that I had allowed this to happen. This is my land, these are my cows, and they got through MY fences. I called my neighbor and let him know that I had been neglecting my fences, for eleven years, and my cows had been in his yard. Thus the awakening began. Later, walking the property line "fence" was shocking. Seems I have got some work to do. Thank God my friend provided the gentle context of just cleaning up what the previous steward had left. Whether he remains physically here or not, I now clearly understand that he left quite a few years ago and I have a mess to clean up.
There is nothing I would rather do and no other place I would rather be. I am home. I feel a little silly for sleeping so long, but that's just an old habit. I know for sure that I am Loved, nothing has gone wrong, every thing is as it should be, my timing is perfect, and every thing is working out for me. There are many neighbors and friends available to join me in my wakened state and that feels wonderful. Welcome, Kari, to your beautiful life. It's nice to have you here.
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