papa

papa feels powerless:

Law of Attraction

"Everyone that’s in a power struggle, has cut themselves off from their true power.

The leverage is in alignment, (with your Inner Being or God, Source Energy).

You can join the ranks of the masses who are not thinking about that kind of empowerment, who are really just fighting it out with each other, but

They are really a weak bunch, trying to prove who is the most powerful.

Everyone who is fighting that battle is comparatively really weak.  

It’s why they get so mean, because they really

Feel powerless

Because they’re working against the true nature of the Universe. 

 

No one can overpower me because my connection, my power is just between me and my

Inner Being, between me and God.  It doesn’t have anything to do with anybody else."   

  Driving from the  Bryan, OH Amtrak station to Austin Road, mateo and I talked about what we wanted.  He said he wanted to visit with papa today, spend the night on Austin Rd, maybe at papa's or maybe with me at the farm house, then leave together with me tomorrow, Tuesday back to Muckle Rd.  Mateo said he wanted to come back to spend a long time with papa in the future.  I agreed and said ok, good.  He was clear and easy about it.  He was looking forward to spending time with his cousin Isaac and his friend James back up north by Muckle Road.  

    I told mateo I just wanted to get things clear with him before we talked with papa.  I shared that I was nervous about papa writing a note and taping it to the door again, telling me to return to Muckle Road by myself and we could talk later.  That's what papa did the day mateo and I were meant to get on the train to go to NY.  Miguel wrote a note and taped it to the door of his house, telling me that he and mateo went for a walk in the woods and I "should go to NY by myself, and we could talk upon my return".  So I told mateo that in case papa tries to keep him here, telling me to go on by myself, I wanted to be clear about what mateo wanted to do so I could support him in pursuing his own desires, and not be "taken for a walk in the woods" with a note telling his mama to go on by herself.

Mateo seemed to understand my concern and said, "I won't do that again mama".  I told him thank you and also that he, mateo, had done nothing wrong.  His papa wrote the note.  His papa taped it to the door.  His papa took him on a walk in the woods while his mama was left looking at a piece of paper that said "Go to New York by yourself.  We can talk when you get back."  I told mateo he's just a kid and the adults should be able to work this all out.  

So the plan was, Mateo visit with his papa Monday and Tuesday, then mateo and Kari leave Austin Road together on Tuesday and return to Muckle Road.  

I explained this plan slowly and clearly to miguel upon our arrival, calmly, after they had hugged and had plenty of time to greet each other.  

miguel started talking about, "well, you just had him for 3 weeks", "he'll stay here tonight and then we can talk tomorrow about what's going to happen".

I told mateo that papa was not accepting the plan and that I was scared he would try to keep mateo again with another note taped to the door, so it was best for us to just leave now.  Mateo got in the car, miguel started opening car doors, I tried to block miguel from touching the vehicle, which is not mine, I am borrowing it from a good friend.  I tried to get in the car and miguel opened the passenger door and pulled my backpack out onto the ground, he reached for my purse, he had his hand on the door.  I crawled over the passenger seat and leaned down and grabbed my backpack, miguel caught hold of the handle of the bag with his left hand and punched me in the face with his right hand, closed fist.  Not as hard as he has hit me in the past.  I got my bag back in the car and miguel kept pressure on the passenger door, keeping it open.  I heard mateo say "stop it papa" and miguel said "I am stopping.  She's getting physical with me". I started screaming as loud as I could and he let go of the vehicle and backed away.  I started the car and backed out of the driveway in a safe, controlled manner.  

Mateo said "I told papa to stop and he didn't stop and he said he was stopping".

I'm glad that's over.

All is well

 We did it.

We lived in community for 4 weeks.  Happily.  Joyfully.  We made friends.  Memories.  Mateo and I participated, learned, and explored.

I poured my heart into each moment and it was intentional.  Practice living intentional, regardless of the conditions.  I worked hard and did a really good job because that's who I am.  I wasn't trying to impress anyone and gain an invitation to come.  It felt good to fulfill myself by working well and working hard and having fun and being kind and bringing light.

I am completely satisfied.

and I can see that I'm a bit lazy.  I got here and settled in and just relaxed.  M mentioned just now, the day before we leave, that "the process" is to come here and visit, and then leave for awhile. Allow both sides to sit with it and discern whether or not we'd fit together.  Of course.  That makes sense.  The day before we leave.  It didn't occur to me during the four weeks we were here.  And no one said it to me until this morning, and she's just a friend, just a level headed person, not in the "decision making team".  Thank you M.  When I applied to live at the community in the Ozarks 3 years ago, they told me the same thing.  You must visit us, and then leave.  Then a decision will be made.  Of course.  Seeing that so clearly now, I could have gone to visit the other Camphills during this 4 weeks, but I didn't.  I was just coasting along, enjoying our time in Copake.  Now it's time to return to Michigan and I never went to Triform or the other villages.  Well, I trust the Universe and I have no regrets.  I know that things are always working out for me and I am on my path.  I wanted to live in community and I got what I wanted.

A person I had an informal interview with here at Copake told the house father I've been staying with to tell me, that my application will be reviewed again in 6 months and if I am still interested in living here, they will consider me.  Which is reasonable.  The communication could have been more clear and open, but I know it's just a reflection of what I'm attracting in my life.  I want to attract more courteous, direct communication.  When I get what I don't want, it's easier to know what I do want. 

Michigan, here we come.  Home again.  Full of Love.  Richer for this experience. 

beyond reason

     Looking for, seeking community, applied to The Fellowship Community.  Follow-up phone call one week later led to scheduling an interview for July 4th, over Zoom.  Never used Zoom before and shifted focus away from resistance to ask for help from good friends and just set it up.  Easy.  Phone rings one hour before scheduled interview to say that it's cancelled.  "But if you're ever in the area, stop by and visit us."  Those words lit up like a neon sign.  Need to drive 300 miles south to pick up mateo from his dad's, and the Amtrak train is only 25 miles from there, so why not just hop on and head east to New York?  Just show up at The Fellowship to follow my dream.  So clear the whole time while completing the application and making travel arrangements, even if this place isn't the right one, I KNOW I am on my path.  Move forward, pursue my heart's desire.  

    Neighbors around The Fellowship offer housing to visitors and many replied not available to my request.  Stayed focused on moving forward, trusting, and basking in the abundance of this beautiful world.  Building a garden with niece Andrea and Crystal provided physical labor to clear and energize.  Casual comment from Andrea led to renting a camper for housing and a million layers of resistance lifted off my heart like dandelion fluff blowing in a gentle breeze.  That's when the call came.  

Elena

    Yes she can offer us a nice place to stay within walking distance to The Fellowship.  Yes she's from NY City and tells us which train to take out of the City.  Yes she will pick us up and take us the remaining 20 miles back to her house.  Yes she has cats.  We love cats.  Elena.  Yes she's a wealth of information about The Fellowship and other Waldorf communities and so many other things we should investigate, people we should meet.  Yes.  Kindness.  Generosity.  Abundance.  

    Left Austin Rd.  Sunday evening to a hotel in Holiday City.  Fell asleep before 9pm.  Drove to Bryan, OH for the Amtrak at 1:30 am.  Arrived in NY City at 6:45 pm Monday evening.  Walked a few blocks to our sweet little Air BnB apartment.  Walked back outside and he saw the tallest building, we bought tickets for the top of the Empire State building.  Ate a large soft pretzel and an ice cream from street vendors.  Bought bandages and fixed up his knee from a running incident back at one of the Amtrak train stations.  Went up to the observation deck of the Empire State in the dark, with so many city lights blazing.  He loved all of it.  Up to the 108th floor in the glass elevator.  Once in a lifetime.  Bought a sweet lego set of the Empire State for a souvenir.  Carried tired boy piggy-back several blocks home to our clean, air-conditioned, safe little room in New York City.  We rocked it.  

    Staying with Elena for a few days, meeting with the Fellowship and feeling sure it is not the right fit for us.  Clarity feels good after 3 1/2 years of wondering.  Elena invites us to stay the weekend, change our train ticket, just come meet some of her friends, explore the Hudson Valley with her.  She's playing her violin in a concert and wants us to accompany her.  Yes.  Then no.  Then Yes again.  Maybe.  Then I told her no on the day we were meant to leave.  She casually shared so much more and some things again about why we should come with her to the  Hudson Valley.  Yes.  Change the train ticket, no charge.  Yay!  

    Meet so many people, see so many wonderful places.  Then Sunday evening at Mettabee we met Tave and Rose.  Within 1/2 an hour I had accepted the invitation to stay with them in the cabin behind their house, Tamarak, in Camphill Copake Village.  And here we remain until Tuesday... and if my application to become a live-in co-worker is accepted, this is home.  

https://camphillvillage.org/village-life/work-lifesharing/