Hot cup of tea

  Hot cup of tea.  Feels like luxury.  Nourishing.

I have had warm tea and it is good, but a hot cup of tea feels luxurious.  

I took the time to make a space in my day that allows the hot cup of tea to be savored, enjoyed, sipped while sitting down,

Gazing out the window at the early morning light decorating a winter sky.  

Hot cup of tea.  

You are not something my body needs, like my mouth needs a good brushing in the morning, to feel good.  

You, my hotness, you are something I want.  I want to lavish myself with Love early in the morning and this hot cup of tea

fills that desire.  

Pick the place, seat cushions, coaster, pen and notebook or chair at table with computer, good lighting,

Oooohhhhh a candle!  

Yes, hot cup of tea wants a candle to partner in providing lavish luxury to this particular beautiful woman.

Yes, sitting in the morning quiet house with a candle flickering against the cup of hot tea in my hand.  

I am loved. 

  There is perfection.  

It is my choice.  

ticking clock

  The ticking of a clock 

Wind chimes singing in a gentle breeze

Leaves moving in the wind, 

calling down to me from their place so high up, 

branches reaching towards the sky. 

The sky

bright brilliant BLUE filling my eyes,

broken only by white pure puffy clouds 

that hang and float

as if they own the expanse of sky that holds them. 

Bright pure white against deep, penetrating blue. 

The branches rattle their leaves calling my eyes up

 to drink in the vast blue love that shines down 

On me, 

way down here on the ground,

 on the earth.  

This magnificent earth that holds me, 

supporting my feet as I walk across a little piece of her.  

Walking across the yard to the barn

 my feet carry me across the earth, 

who holds the barn and the cows as we all are covered 

by the loving blanket of the sky.  

Sitting in the quiet morning house, 

listening to a ticking clock, 

hearing wind move chimes to create beautiful music 

that fills up a space so well, 

a space that reaches hungrily,

accepting beauty as all it will ever need.  

homeschool

 Mateo and I had skool together 3 days this week and 3 days last week.  It feels grounding and intimate when we have skool.  A nice routine has developed.  After morning milking, when I’m done with the straining and washing, I head upstairs to the farm house kitchen.  Mateo is usually playing with Eli and Eammon in the house somewhere.  Mateo gently resists being interrupted from his friends, but does come and sit at the table for breakfast.  This morning he had a baked potato with loads of butter and a bit of salt, and a whole onion cooked well in butter and salt.  I sit next to him, drink tea with milk, and color with crayons.  I love coloring with crayons.  There are usually 2 to 4 kids of various ages wandering around and Laura and Jim are in and out of the kitchen.  It’s a crowded, chaotic, pleasant environment.  

     Wash some dishes then walk across the property together out to the little red cabin and up the stairs to our space in the trees.  Mateo plays with toys while I make the beds.  Today I sat in our skool space and read while he worked on a lego project.  I like him to initiate our skool time because then the experience is smooth and pleasant and it feels good knowing that he joins under his own will forces.  He came and sat next to me and the candle was lit, which has always been our routine to indicate that skool time has begun.

     Mateo goes first, sharing out loud at least 3 things that he appreciates.  Today he says, “ball, all my legos, Doug (a stuffed dragon), and Eli”.  Then it’s my turn to share what I appreciate and this feels good to go inside to stillness and bask in the abundance of my life.  Today as usual, among other things, I name Mateo and his joy, enthusiasm and willingness to explore our world.  I close with “Namaste”, open my eyes and sit peacefully.  Mateo goes to the music basket and brings back the tin whistle, recorder, and music books.  I love that I just sit there quietly and he goes to get the music supplies.  It feels good to imagine he’s doing what he wants to do, under his own power, no words required.  Seems like I’m doing a good job at this homeschool stuff if my kid is willingly participating.  I want to do a good job.  It’s all about balance.  Right now as I’m writing this at 7:30 at night, he’s on the couch watching Eli play a video game that involves machine gun fire and vehicles chasing each other.  Earlier today, after skool and lunch, Mateo and Eli and little brother Eammond were outside chasing each other, running around the property in the beautiful fall weather.  I am comfortable with the balance in his life.

Mateo plays the song he ended with yesterday, London Bridges, on the tin flute.  He has good control of the tone at times and can finger the notes well.  He switches to the recorder then for Old McDonald, this instrument being easier to make sound pleasant.  I’m just so happy that he tries and he’s learning to read and play music and we’ve had music every day as part of his skool for years now, so maybe it will be normal for him and just easy and part of his life.  For my turn I play Twinkle Twinkle Little Star on the recorder, which has improved since yesterday when I first tried the song.  I like him to see me learning and trying right along with him.  Learning to play the recorder is hard and pushes my boundaries and that’s what I want for him, to be able to do the thing that can be hard but so rewarding.  Hearing a familiar song come out of an instrument in my hands is amazing and I know Mateo can feel that energy.  Homeschooling is an atmosphere and I appreciate a partner like Mateo in creating such an intimate experience.  

Music stops easily, when he’s had enough.  I’m so glad he plays well, really tries a few songs, and then moves on to the next topic, movement.  I like him to stop before it gets yucky, so playing music remains fun and there’s ease in it.  For movement he hasn’t done head stands and hand stands since coming here.  Somehow we have switched to juggling, which for now just involves a lot of playing catch with his ball and the juggling balls.  In between throws to each other, we practice tossing the ball up and catching it with the opposite hand.  His toss has improved greatly going from wild and difficult to catch, to more controlled and easy.  He loves playing catch and I get bored quickly but play along because it’s nice to see him having fun and enjoying skool.  Learning to juggle is hard and he has resisted at times, but responds well to encouragement and my not giving in.  Again, I want him to push through things that are difficult, like learning to juggle, because it seems like his confidence will grow and that is so important for a nice life.  

Math is next and he eats 2 clementines while I read the Fred book, chapter 6 today.  “Life of Fred” math books are SO FUN and smart and we both love them, being in our 3rd book in the series which goes all the way into college calculus.  The books encourage kids to think, to listen, and to pay attention to details.  And they’re silly and funny and creative.  It was just a casual conversation at homeshcool gym one day back in January with a mom I was meeting for the first time and then never saw again.  She mentioned these books and what they were like and I got the first one in the series from our library.  Mateo did two chapters a day for that first book because he couldn’t get enough.  What a gift of a conversation, I’m so glad I was able to receive what she shared.  

Also this week we added a Sudoku puzzle.  I really enjoy these puzzles and it seems like Mateo can practice important skills by solving these.  Most importantly, he enjoys them a lot and I have to stop him every day so we can move on to the next topic.  I like to leave him hungry for more and keep things moving along so skool doesn’t take up too much of our day.  I always mention that he can do more on his own time, or we can do more together after the candle is blown out.  It’s important to me that we get all the topics completed before he gets tired and loses focus, and before I get tired also.  

Last there is art, which usually involves drawing.  Sometimes we paint but today for the 3rd day he’s drawing from a book on Perspective.  He’s practicing drawing 3 dimensional shapes like cubes.  Then he decorates them, which I love.  He tries hard and draws something technical, then throws in some color and a spider web.  His spirit is so gorgeous.  His mind is so sharp.  I just love spending time with him.  Today I draw an elephant and some columns behind and in front of her, copying an idea from a book on the Bhagadvad Gita.  He likes my elephant except for the eye which doesn’t look right.  I add eye lashes and he laughs at that.  We have a good time drawing together.  It was hard for me to learn to draw, to just look at a blank piece of paper and create something.  I’m glad he’s shared my energy of going beyond my comfort zone and learning to draw.  I really enjoy it now…

We come back to the candle together, share things we appreciate, and close skool for the day.  Candle blown out and smoke floating up to the ceiling.  We did it!  Another full week, 3 days in a row.  I’m doing a good job.  My child enjoys homeschool and willingly participates.  Praise the Lord.  My heart is full.

A day in the life.

   Awoke easily just before 5am, after nearly 7 hours of restful sleep.  Stepped outside into the cool morning, bright shiny moon lights my 25 steps to the outhouse.  Have a nice, easy poo.  My body functions so well, it just makes everything quite pleasant.  Bit of a mental debate about staying awake and doing meditation, yoga routine.  Gently agreed with half myself to snuggle back into cozy bed and listen to Mateo breathe in his bed next to me.  Awoke again easily just one minute before alarm at 635am, feeling happy and light.  Wrote one page of appreciation by light of the solar lantern as Mateo softly stirred.  Said good morning and see you later to Mateo, then walked barefoot across the property to the house.  

Enter through the basement door, the “dairy”.  Put on socks and boots and turn stove on to heat my yarrow tea in my favorite pot from Katherine.  Put 13 glass 1/2 gallon jugs of milk from last evening’s milking in the milk fridge.  They rested overnight in coolers full of water and ice jugs.  Now put half melted ice jugs in 3 different freezers, taking fully frozen jugs out to place in coolers of water, ready to cool this morning’s milk jugs.  Say good morning to Laura as she sets up the milk machine about ten minutes to 8am and heads out to the milk barn.  Finish setting up the straining, as we call it.  Place 16 clean jugs on the stainless steel table, write a big W for Wednesday on each one.  Fix clean paper filter into funnel.  Pour myself a cup of hot tea and make sure the walkie talkie is turned on so I will hear when Laura calls to say “milk’s ready”.  

Mateo appears on the stairs, a bit surprised that the house is quiet and no one is awake.  He expresses appreciation that the house is cozy warm.  I agree and ask him why the house is warm.  His eyes light up and he heads out to the woodpile, seemingly happy that he remembered his daily chore of filling the small woodbox next to the kitchen cook stove.  I love sharing life with him.  I head out to the milk barn to hang out with Laura as she milks Honey, the pretty Jersey cow.  Carry about 2 1/2 gallons of milk in two milk pails back across the driveway to the basement and pour it through the filter funnel, filling jugs.  Wipe the openings clean and push a new plastic cap down tight until it clicks and seals.  Rinse jugs of spilled milk and place them in the waiting coolers.  Listen for the walkie talkie call, perfect timing as the last jug goes in, time to take two empty milk pails back out to the barn for Yosheemay’s milk.  

more later...

Update from community

 Arrived 6pm Monday evening, 10/2/2023.  Settled into our temporary basement dwelling by making the bed with our own cozy blankets and pillows.  Welcomed in to the large kitchen table with wooden, mismatched chairs and a delicious home cooked meal.  Mateo played in the basement with new friends while I hand milked Princess the cow.  Fell in to bed about 9pm and slept peacefully.  

     Tuesday brought hand milking Princess while the other two cows were milked with a machine.  Wasn’t time to finish Princess by hand so she was emptied by the machine.  Then Mateo joined the “Roots and Shoots Farm School” that gathers here two days a week this fall.  He participated with the “Thistle” group, about 10 children ages 7 to 9, until 3pm.  I focused on settling in to our personal space in the top off the red cabin.  I swept the plywood floor and wiped it all down with a wet cloth to clear the dust.  It’s a lovely space with a few useful pieces of furniture and a nice rug.  I like being up high in the trees.  Jack lives in the bottom of the red cabin and he carried the mattresses from the house basement across the property to our space upstairs.  

      Towards the end of Farm School, I joined the kids outside for their snack time, enjoying the apple crisp they had made.  By then, two different teachers had commented to me how nice it was to have Mateo in class and that he was joining in easily and enjoying himself.  He confirmed all this when I finally saw him on the playground next to the house.  During the day, he had earned a toy and was happily in love with his new ball, tossing it around and kicking it through the grass.  Now we use the ball in our own homeschool “movement” session, playing catch together.

     With the kids clear from Farm School, I drove my van back to the red cabin and carried load after load of belongings up the sturdy outside stairs to our loft.  Jack was busy making a nice window in the door to allow more light and air into the space.  It felt great to unpack and nest, putting the small table by the window for Mateo’s lego play and setting up our candles and reading light for bedtime.  It was a busy day but I felt like on our first full day here, we could relax and settle into our new home, know where all our things were, and just feel secure and loved.  

     Wednesday morning, well its all beginning to blur together already.  Laura and I have talked quite a bit, mostly in the kitchen.  She is kind, smart, curious, secure in herself, open, organized, and makes a lot of wonderful things happen.  She is pleasant to be around.  Mateo loves Eli, her 10 year old, the best.  They have spent hours together playing boy things.  There’s a huge maple tree just outside the kitchen window and there aren’t any branches until about 10 feet up, but the boys use a rope and pulley to haul themselves up into the branches and it is pure joy to do dishes at the kitchen sink while watching my son play with a bunch of kids up high in a  loving tree.  There are a bunch of other kids, some older, and some younger and its just a pack of children running about and enjoying their life.  There’s a family in the brown cabin back here by our red cabin and they have little 3 year old David who is part of the pack.  Both M & her husband A are easy to get along with and have been helpful and kind as the two new people have arrived. 

     There are chickens and ducks wandering about, a pack of dogs, and a stall of puppies that won’t be separated from mama until the 15th.  I told Mateo he needed to put on different clothes for sleeping and he agreed because he happily explained to me how he had laid down on his back, in the puppy stall and let them crawl all over him.  I love hearing about his day.  We’ve had our own homeschool sessions here in the red cabin Wed and Thursday and that has felt grounding and inspiring.  He’s playing the recorder now instead of the piano.  We’re continuing with his “Life of Fred” math books, which we both Love.  He’s doing narration now from the Charlotte Mason book I looked at and we still do movement and drawing every day.  He’s so smart, reading the sentences in the math book.  This place is great for him.  And for me.

https://stonegardenfarm.com  

papa

papa feels powerless:

Law of Attraction

"Everyone that’s in a power struggle, has cut themselves off from their true power.

The leverage is in alignment, (with your Inner Being or God, Source Energy).

You can join the ranks of the masses who are not thinking about that kind of empowerment, who are really just fighting it out with each other, but

They are really a weak bunch, trying to prove who is the most powerful.

Everyone who is fighting that battle is comparatively really weak.  

It’s why they get so mean, because they really

Feel powerless

Because they’re working against the true nature of the Universe. 

 

No one can overpower me because my connection, my power is just between me and my

Inner Being, between me and God.  It doesn’t have anything to do with anybody else."   

  Driving from the  Bryan, OH Amtrak station to Austin Road, mateo and I talked about what we wanted.  He said he wanted to visit with papa today, spend the night on Austin Rd, maybe at papa's or maybe with me at the farm house, then leave together with me tomorrow, Tuesday back to Muckle Rd.  Mateo said he wanted to come back to spend a long time with papa in the future.  I agreed and said ok, good.  He was clear and easy about it.  He was looking forward to spending time with his cousin Isaac and his friend James back up north by Muckle Road.  

    I told mateo I just wanted to get things clear with him before we talked with papa.  I shared that I was nervous about papa writing a note and taping it to the door again, telling me to return to Muckle Road by myself and we could talk later.  That's what papa did the day mateo and I were meant to get on the train to go to NY.  Miguel wrote a note and taped it to the door of his house, telling me that he and mateo went for a walk in the woods and I "should go to NY by myself, and we could talk upon my return".  So I told mateo that in case papa tries to keep him here, telling me to go on by myself, I wanted to be clear about what mateo wanted to do so I could support him in pursuing his own desires, and not be "taken for a walk in the woods" with a note telling his mama to go on by herself.

Mateo seemed to understand my concern and said, "I won't do that again mama".  I told him thank you and also that he, mateo, had done nothing wrong.  His papa wrote the note.  His papa taped it to the door.  His papa took him on a walk in the woods while his mama was left looking at a piece of paper that said "Go to New York by yourself.  We can talk when you get back."  I told mateo he's just a kid and the adults should be able to work this all out.  

So the plan was, Mateo visit with his papa Monday and Tuesday, then mateo and Kari leave Austin Road together on Tuesday and return to Muckle Road.  

I explained this plan slowly and clearly to miguel upon our arrival, calmly, after they had hugged and had plenty of time to greet each other.  

miguel started talking about, "well, you just had him for 3 weeks", "he'll stay here tonight and then we can talk tomorrow about what's going to happen".

I told mateo that papa was not accepting the plan and that I was scared he would try to keep mateo again with another note taped to the door, so it was best for us to just leave now.  Mateo got in the car, miguel started opening car doors, I tried to block miguel from touching the vehicle, which is not mine, I am borrowing it from a good friend.  I tried to get in the car and miguel opened the passenger door and pulled my backpack out onto the ground, he reached for my purse, he had his hand on the door.  I crawled over the passenger seat and leaned down and grabbed my backpack, miguel caught hold of the handle of the bag with his left hand and punched me in the face with his right hand, closed fist.  Not as hard as he has hit me in the past.  I got my bag back in the car and miguel kept pressure on the passenger door, keeping it open.  I heard mateo say "stop it papa" and miguel said "I am stopping.  She's getting physical with me". I started screaming as loud as I could and he let go of the vehicle and backed away.  I started the car and backed out of the driveway in a safe, controlled manner.  

Mateo said "I told papa to stop and he didn't stop and he said he was stopping".

I'm glad that's over.

All is well

 We did it.

We lived in community for 4 weeks.  Happily.  Joyfully.  We made friends.  Memories.  Mateo and I participated, learned, and explored.

I poured my heart into each moment and it was intentional.  Practice living intentional, regardless of the conditions.  I worked hard and did a really good job because that's who I am.  I wasn't trying to impress anyone and gain an invitation to come.  It felt good to fulfill myself by working well and working hard and having fun and being kind and bringing light.

I am completely satisfied.

and I can see that I'm a bit lazy.  I got here and settled in and just relaxed.  M mentioned just now, the day before we leave, that "the process" is to come here and visit, and then leave for awhile. Allow both sides to sit with it and discern whether or not we'd fit together.  Of course.  That makes sense.  The day before we leave.  It didn't occur to me during the four weeks we were here.  And no one said it to me until this morning, and she's just a friend, just a level headed person, not in the "decision making team".  Thank you M.  When I applied to live at the community in the Ozarks 3 years ago, they told me the same thing.  You must visit us, and then leave.  Then a decision will be made.  Of course.  Seeing that so clearly now, I could have gone to visit the other Camphills during this 4 weeks, but I didn't.  I was just coasting along, enjoying our time in Copake.  Now it's time to return to Michigan and I never went to Triform or the other villages.  Well, I trust the Universe and I have no regrets.  I know that things are always working out for me and I am on my path.  I wanted to live in community and I got what I wanted.

A person I had an informal interview with here at Copake told the house father I've been staying with to tell me, that my application will be reviewed again in 6 months and if I am still interested in living here, they will consider me.  Which is reasonable.  The communication could have been more clear and open, but I know it's just a reflection of what I'm attracting in my life.  I want to attract more courteous, direct communication.  When I get what I don't want, it's easier to know what I do want. 

Michigan, here we come.  Home again.  Full of Love.  Richer for this experience. 

beyond reason

     Looking for, seeking community, applied to The Fellowship Community.  Follow-up phone call one week later led to scheduling an interview for July 4th, over Zoom.  Never used Zoom before and shifted focus away from resistance to ask for help from good friends and just set it up.  Easy.  Phone rings one hour before scheduled interview to say that it's cancelled.  "But if you're ever in the area, stop by and visit us."  Those words lit up like a neon sign.  Need to drive 300 miles south to pick up mateo from his dad's, and the Amtrak train is only 25 miles from there, so why not just hop on and head east to New York?  Just show up at The Fellowship to follow my dream.  So clear the whole time while completing the application and making travel arrangements, even if this place isn't the right one, I KNOW I am on my path.  Move forward, pursue my heart's desire.  

    Neighbors around The Fellowship offer housing to visitors and many replied not available to my request.  Stayed focused on moving forward, trusting, and basking in the abundance of this beautiful world.  Building a garden with niece Andrea and Crystal provided physical labor to clear and energize.  Casual comment from Andrea led to renting a camper for housing and a million layers of resistance lifted off my heart like dandelion fluff blowing in a gentle breeze.  That's when the call came.  

Elena

    Yes she can offer us a nice place to stay within walking distance to The Fellowship.  Yes she's from NY City and tells us which train to take out of the City.  Yes she will pick us up and take us the remaining 20 miles back to her house.  Yes she has cats.  We love cats.  Elena.  Yes she's a wealth of information about The Fellowship and other Waldorf communities and so many other things we should investigate, people we should meet.  Yes.  Kindness.  Generosity.  Abundance.  

    Left Austin Rd.  Sunday evening to a hotel in Holiday City.  Fell asleep before 9pm.  Drove to Bryan, OH for the Amtrak at 1:30 am.  Arrived in NY City at 6:45 pm Monday evening.  Walked a few blocks to our sweet little Air BnB apartment.  Walked back outside and he saw the tallest building, we bought tickets for the top of the Empire State building.  Ate a large soft pretzel and an ice cream from street vendors.  Bought bandages and fixed up his knee from a running incident back at one of the Amtrak train stations.  Went up to the observation deck of the Empire State in the dark, with so many city lights blazing.  He loved all of it.  Up to the 108th floor in the glass elevator.  Once in a lifetime.  Bought a sweet lego set of the Empire State for a souvenir.  Carried tired boy piggy-back several blocks home to our clean, air-conditioned, safe little room in New York City.  We rocked it.  

    Staying with Elena for a few days, meeting with the Fellowship and feeling sure it is not the right fit for us.  Clarity feels good after 3 1/2 years of wondering.  Elena invites us to stay the weekend, change our train ticket, just come meet some of her friends, explore the Hudson Valley with her.  She's playing her violin in a concert and wants us to accompany her.  Yes.  Then no.  Then Yes again.  Maybe.  Then I told her no on the day we were meant to leave.  She casually shared so much more and some things again about why we should come with her to the  Hudson Valley.  Yes.  Change the train ticket, no charge.  Yay!  

    Meet so many people, see so many wonderful places.  Then Sunday evening at Mettabee we met Tave and Rose.  Within 1/2 an hour I had accepted the invitation to stay with them in the cabin behind their house, Tamarak, in Camphill Copake Village.  And here we remain until Tuesday... and if my application to become a live-in co-worker is accepted, this is home.  

https://camphillvillage.org/village-life/work-lifesharing/

April up North

     Follow the child to the woods.  Mama, come see the leeks, so much bigger than a few days ago.  Oh yum, snap off a bit of bright green leaf and pop it in my mouth.  Explosion of flavor, nourishing the soul with deep woods energy.  Gather a basket and the new digging tool, a gift from the loving man that invited and shares life with us here at the end of our dead end road.  Return to the steep slope and find our bodies perilously perched in position to dig beauty from the earth.  How does our life continue to flow in such magical ways?  Living Loved turns out to be a wonderful way to Live.

    Build a fence to release the cows out into a hilly, wide pasture.  Gather roll after roll of nice barbed wire, carefully wound up years ago, for just such a time as this.  Weather turns warmer and snow melts away as April comes and moves along like the sun in the sky.  Feet are bare now, tender on the dry, pokey earth.  Walk slowly, feeling the soft winter soles evolving into spring hooves, in eager anticipation of the coming summer and fall.  Fence work provides the labor that I love.  Clean up old fence posts and barbed wire from this pasture, all the same work as harvesting material for the new pasture.  Double bonus labor tops all other kinds.  Walking long distances, carrying heavy materials, and exposing skin to sun and wind awakens my body to the freshness of spring.  Focusing on project details and summoning courage to make decisions, clears the mind and feeds the love fire in my heart.  All this labor for milk that feeds the body and a relationship with cows that extends beyond limited human understanding.  

my offer, again

     What a great morning.  Muckle Rd. :   standing at the wood cook stove stirring the pot of maple goo as it bubbles and moves towards sugar, flute music playing in the background, lovely incense burning to delight our noses, you joyfully follow guidance to feed the sourdough starter.  Gather measuring cups and fill one cup of water, one cup of flour, then add one cup of starter.  Stirring your jar of flour goo, you comment that stirring feels easy on the top and not near the bottom.  In answer to your question, I offer that sticky may come from the starter, or the dry flour not being mixed completely yet.  You stir and observe the contents through clear glass of the jar and decide the dry flour needs to be mixed and yes, now the spoon moves easily through the starter and its breakfast.  I enjoy your company.  You are fun and light hearted, playful, you listen well, and more importantly, you can look at a task and make decisions about what needs to be done.  Empty the new flour bag into the flour jar, use the wide mouth funnel, clear the table now to prepare for the sugar pot that is almost done with it’s hot time on the stove.  Now you gather a towel and place it on the chair back, place hot pads and sugar bowl on chair seat, and then you stand clear, cheering, as I dump the freshly granulated sugar into the bowl, hot pot bottom resting against the towel.  Things just flow.  We are such a great team.  

Now it’s time to sit and eat as much sugar as we want.  You exclaim joyfully over each beautiful lump, holding up flat ones for a special celebration.  We both love the flat lumps and you offer one to me, sharing from your generous, abundant heart.  I love you.  You’re such a good friend.  

Now we’re at the library together, I’m typing, writing to celebrate and soothe my soul.  You’re looking at book four of a wonderful graphic novel series we’ve been reading together lately.  I cherish every moment with you.

The other day, you called your papa, as you do when ever you desire.  After a bit, you got a weird look on your face and seemed confused, and told me that you thought papa wanted to speak to me.  I said ok and stepped outside.  Papa asked if I wanted to negotiate an agreement so you can visit him.  I said yes.  Papa explained, again, that he wants you to leave me and go spend time with him at Austin Rd.  I told papa, again, that I replied to that request, in writing.  He said a bunch of stuff about me being a bully, and how the judge will see things differently than I do.  I told him to have someone read him what I wrote and explain it to him, because I was not going to be able to help him understand with this verbal exchange, what I had already written down.  He said in what I wrote, I did not offer anything to move towards a visit.  I said that my offer was clearly stated.  Papa replied that I did not offer anything, that I did not say what would happen if things were “cleared up”.  

 March 13, 2023, public blog post:

  “I have asked a few times for papa and this person to clear up the issue so that we can move forward with you visiting papa, …”

  (Emphasis added).    

“I am not going to allow my child to spend time away from me, with a person that creates this situation of threat and accusation, and then refuses to clean it up.  It could be cleaned up.”

 https://teetsforpeace.blogspot.com/2023/03/yes.html 

    So I’m writing all this down again, and posting it in a public place, just to give my heart some ease and rest.  Papa said I was forcing him to go the legal route and he doesn’t want to, but because I haven’t offered anything, he has no choice.  He told me names of 3 people that, he said, will testify.  I just want you to know Mateo, and I want to be able to remember, when you read this for the first time, (in 20 years,) what happened and why I made the choices I did.  I trust you.  I trust my relationship with God and where we are being led.  I am eager to continue living life with you.  I imagine this whole scenario could be the healing push that moves your papa towards some balance and the beginning of a life-giving relationship between you two.  It also feels good to imagine that he will develop relationships with his daughter Hanna and her children, and possibly even his oldest daughter Audrey.  

visit

Michael Wilson <mrwlsn46@gmail.com>
to:		Kari Blouin <kabrn34@gmail.com>
date:		Mar 15, 2023, 11:12 AM

"Compromise 

 I would like to visit Mateo at a location that is not controlled by you. If you would help arrange this situation I will come to visit him.    For good reasons I am not comfortable at your place. "

Miguel, 

Mateo has been rollerblading at the park, here in Central Lake.  We could meet at the park for a visit. 

kari

https://centrallakemi.org/thurston-park-campground/

https://www.facebook.com/pages/Thurston-Park/110727058982555

Yes

 I have made my decision.  I am a good mother.

Dear Mateo

You can spend the weekend at your cousins’ house with Andrea and Chuck and their 5 children.  You will not leave your mother and travel to Austin Rd with papa.

I have made a decision to live at Muckle Rd.  This is our home now.  We left our home of Austin Rd and now we are building a new home.  We have each other and our ever evolving relationship, and we are building relationships with Mark, and the land where we live, the hills and the creek and the dogs and Uncle Joe next door and the Volvo and the homeschool group and Awana and the Library and Lake Michigan...  This is our home now.  I love our home on Austin Rd and I always will, AND we can hold Austin Rd in Love while we move forward and develop our life at Muckle Road.  

Your Freedom is a priority to me and together, we have found many ways to support and allow and encourage your Freedom in our daily lives.  At 7 years old it is easy for you to understand why I have guided you away from touching the hot stove and playing around an open fire.  You can easily understand and sense the danger in touching a hot stove and in allowing play that leads to falling near an open fire.  When you read this letter, many years from now, I believe you will at least respect my clear, firm decision to keep you physically with me, not allowing you to travel and spend time with papa away from your new home.

At this current time, your papa continues to offer behavior demonstrating dishonesty.  He is not a bad person, but he has chosen to not examine his behaviors, thus continuing unhealthy habits that have developed over the years.  I am not going to allow you to spend time with a person I can’t trust, even if it is your papa. 

Papa talks about me in such a way that one person he chooses to spend a great deal of time with, sent me a text message, threatening to call the police, accusing me of 6 specific illegal activities.  This text message, and papa’s ongoing relationship with this person, demonstrates the way papa feels about me and what he believes should happen to me.  He tells people that I have committed illegal activity and I should have the authorities involved to punish me for my behavior.  I have asked a few times for papa and this person to clear up the issue so that we can move forward with you visiting papa, free of the idea he raised about me being accused and turned in to the police.  Papa and his companion have both refused to acknowledge the text message.  I am not going to allow my child to spend time away from me, with a person that creates this situation of threat and accusation, and then refuses to clean it up.  It could be cleaned up.  

Text message from papa’s companion to me:

"you have abandon a property -- which is illegal.

Take a child away from their father without consent -- illegal.

You have made threats against peoples lives -- illegal.

What you are doing to Miguel is extortion, elderly abuse and straight up theft ... taking all the money from the cows -- from his herd.  

You are out of line and I hope you step foot back in hillsdale county.  

I pray for Mateo's safety.  If he had a SS# I would already called the cops & so would many others.  You are not in control here.  "

A friend that supported you in your new life might mail you the Legos that were left behind at Austin Road.  A balanced person would celebrate with you where you now live and support your mother in her decision to create a loving home for you.  I really wish you had all your Legos and the instruction books for all the fun sets you have built.  You have a lot of people who love you and have rained down gifts upon you.  It would be wonderful if papa would accept your new home and celebrate with you by sending along some of the physical toys you enjoy so much.  

Until then, we will move forward with what we have, continuing to feel appreciation for what has gone before.

How to proceed?

 How would you like to proceed...?

 Let me know how you want to proceed.

Really good question.  Thank you for asking.  How would I like to proceed?  So many answers have floated through my mind and heart.  Trying to sort out the fluff and settle in to some truth.  How do I want to proceed?  

I want to engage with life giving people.  I want to release toxic people from my life.  Engaging in legal negotiations to trade money for land ownership with a toxic person and his enablers feels gross.  Allowing myself to be pulled along his road of legal language and selling land in order to obtain enough money to buy my name off the deed of 120 acres feels yucky.  Sitting back in my comfortable life up north, ignoring him, declining to engage with the game of lawyer paperwork and his enabling family members and friends, that feels safe and easy.  

If I accept the pitifully small amount of money they are "offering" me to remove my name from the deed, giving up legal claim to 120 acres, what then?  I have sold my soul for an embarrassingly tiny chunk of money that no doubt will have taken months of legal back and forth torture to obtain.  And then, when he dies, his adult children will sell the land to the Amish neighbors, for a HUGE chunk of money.  

If I do nothing, if I proceed with silence and my name quietly, legally sitting on the deed which is registered at the County Courthouse, then when he dies, I can sell the land to the Amish neighbors for a HUGE chunk of money.  

Seems so simple from some angles.  There are a lot of variables, there are many different angles to explore.  What I know for sure is that I don't like legal paperwork, I don't want to interact with a lawyer who is retaining him as a client.  I don't want to enable him in his unhealthy behaviors.  I don't want to interact with his passive, cowardly, superficial, shallow, enabling daughter.  I know that for sure.  So if I proceed with silence,  I get what I want.  Peace.

Also, what I want is to call out some humans that are enabling a man in his unhealthy behavior.  I used to enable this guy, what if someone had called me out?  I don't know if it would have made a difference.  What I know for sure is that I don't have any regrets.  God was with me the whole time and as I chose to see my enabling and then stop, I claimed freedom.  So maybe by calling someone out, she might have her eyes opened and claim freedom for herself.  Maybe by calling someone out, he might be reached and begin to heal and then my child could develop a relationship with a human that is consciously, intentionally moving towards balance...

Grace, what do you know about a clinical description for your dad's behavior?  Do you think there is one and if so, do you imagine that your behavior could be enabling him in his unhealthy life?  

At "Domestic Harmony", I was counseled for the emotional and financial abuse that your father offered me daily.  What does your mother say about you engaging with your father and playing his game of legal negotiations to "get Kari's name off the deed"?  What do you hope to achieve by interacting with him?  What does Hannah say about the energy you are putting into dealing with him and his lawyer?  

What do you know about your Father's friend Gracie and her daughter Julie Mae?  

Here is a text message I received from her back in October:

"you have abandon a property -- which is illegal.

Take a child away from their father without consent -- illegal.

You have made threats against peoples lives -- illegal.

What you are doing to Miguel is extortion, elderly abuse and straight up theft ... taking all the money from the cows -- from his herd.  

You are out of line and I hope you step foot back in hillsdale county.  

I pray for Mateo's safety.  If he had a SS# I would already called the cops & so would many others.  You are not in control here.  "

Grace, I want the above communication out in the open so you at least have the option of knowing some truth about your father and what he tells his "friends".  

How do I want to proceed?  Do nothing.  I am going to live my happy life up north.  When he dies, the land is mine.  Done.  

I hope you find some peace and dignity in your life.  I hope your father finds some healing.  

details

     Nearly five months ago, mateo and I drove away from Austin Rd.  We have not been back, yet.  His birthday was September 5th and there was a huge party at the farm.  I was surprised with the number of people that came.  It felt like a going away party.  Two days later the movers came and packed many of our belongings into a truck and drove away.  I had been sorting and packing for about 3 weeks, and in one hour, all was packed up and headed north.  A good friend came the next evening and helped with the farm type items that needed to be moved and prepared for loading the next morning.  The last morning.  September 8th, 2022, when mateo willingly climbed into the car and we drove away from Austin Rd.  The car that was stuffed to bursting with dear, personal items and snacks for the 300 mile drive north.  

    Here we are, living on a 65 acre farm at the end of a dead end road.  To the east of this land lies a large, wild, wooded county land area.  So it's ours too.  Ours to wander on, exploring the hills and following the creek for miles.  To the south of the land where we live lies a 40 acre piece of woods, land locked from public access and deserted by its human "owners" who live in Florida.  So it's our too.  Ours to wander on, climbing hills and hugging the trees.  We live in a wilderness.  Again.  But this time we're at the end of a dead end road so there's no traffic, no neighbors, nobody.  Isolated.  Can you feel the deep fulfillment of my heart, the deep, intimate Love of God expressed in the details of our new home?

I can.