Silence

   "  Because who you really are is WAY downstream, you're going to constantly be in the act of deciding upstream or downstream.  You're never gonna get to the place where you won't have to think about that or feel about that.  

This alignment with Source is not like a college degree  where once you achieve it it is your forever more.  It either is or it isn't in the moment, depending upon what's active within you.  So at a minimum, we would begin, we would make the decision that we're no longer going to have conversations about things that always make you upset.  "

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UGAefMrglAk

    This explains why I don't speak to the housemate.  Frequently when I'm feeling easy and light, I get the urge to speak to the human that I share space with.  Simple topic, easy question, fun idea, just offer a few words to him. 

     No.  Don't do it.  Why?  I forget sometimes, why I don't talk to him.  I love people, I love talking to people.  This guy that I live with shares with me so many of the same ideas about the world, it would be fun to talk to him. 

     No.  Don't do it kari.  Why?

    Because you made the decision that you're no longer going to have conversations that always make you upset.  Over the ten years you have spent living and working with this man, he has clearly and consistently demonstrated that any attempt to verbally communicate, about any topic, regardless of how simple or celebratory, will end in deep confusion, at a minimum.  I like clarity.  I like clear communication, honest sharing of ideas.  So I choose to not speak with my housemate because my priority is my own peace, my own enjoyment of life.  

    Its so sad that I had to write it down, because many times its hard to believe, even for me.  What I know for sure is that since I have chosen my peace over interacting with him, my life has improved dramatically.  

Done.  Everything changes and maybe he will choose to create new habits of thought, but that is irrelevant.  Either way, I have my peace.  My peace is my choice and whether or not he skims the milk and then puts it back in the fridge like its whole milk, I sill have my peace.  

    I love loving myself enough to claim my own freedom.  

 

Goddess

     Cows have become for me, beings of divine nature.  They have been my constant companions for over 10 years.  Every day we spend time together.  In the sunshine, the rainstorm, the blowing snow and cold, the cows and I spend some quality time.

    They feed me, they feed my child, they make the soil that grows my garden.  Cows have healthy, independent births every single year, bringing a sweet baby cow to the farm, our home.  We share this place on earth, the cows and I.  I walk through their pasture on my way to the woods and gaze adoringly at their beautiful, bountiful bodies shining in the sun.  

    The cows taught me how to communicate with them.  Watching how they move with each other and how they respond to me, brought me more deeply into their world.  Cows don't respond to voice and I love to be moving among them, silent, using my body and my clear intention to communicate.  It is so pleasant to be silent and in satisfying communication with such a large, sturdy being.  I feel safe and honest, we trust each other.  

    I came here not knowing that I am a Goddess.  I had forgotten.  My natural Goddess nature had been covered and squished.  Cows helped me remember.  I am a Goddess.  A female being capable and willing to grow a baby inside my body and bring it forth into this glorious world to drink perfect milk from my breasts.  The bulls are fine and necessary but the cows are Goddesses just like me.  

    Every morning for almost ten years the fearful, insecure male that lives here verbally assaults the cows.  Name calling is his typical choice, calling a cow "dummy",  or "fruitcake", and many other disrespectful, condescending names in his dismissive, arrogant tones.  The rage of every female being that has endured unimaginable torture at the hands of pathetic males burst forth from my chest and throat.  The cows stood silently as this "man" offered trash talk and my inner Goddess awakened and lashed out from her covering.  How dare you say anything but "thank you" to these powerful, gorgeous creatures? 

    Just two days ago in the milk house with a beautiful cow he fearfully, meanly called her a fruitcake.  After 40 years of working with cows, he has chosen not to respect the normal, expected behavior of a cow who has given birth just 24 hours ago to a healthy calf.  After my ten years with the cows it is pure bliss for me to watch a fresh mama sort of act all jumpy and agitated, to listen to her moos, and bask in the magnificent Goddess energy of an 800 pound animal in perfect Love with her new baby.  

    My Goddess has been uncovered and she is fully awake, thanks to the cows and the verbally abusive male that taught me how not to interact with animals.  I do appreciate the opportunity to flow some rage that needed to move, and to come awake into my full power.  Now I can stand in the milk house and peacefully, silently observe his pathetic display of male fear in the face of a Cow, a Goddess he knows he will never choose to appreciate.  

    Steady.  That's what the cows are.  They show me how to be a steady Goddess.  No lowly creature offering cheap words can disturb the beauty and peace that resides here.  It will be beautiful to one day work with a family of humans that honestly see the spectacular generosity and graceful power of these cows that share my home.  

Fences

    Exchanging letters with my friend in Idaho exists as one of my great life pleasures.  Recently one of her letters contained a few comments of the mess she was cleaning up from the previous stewards of her land. That description of her experience has translated my own frustration into a more gentle, soothing view of what I have been experiencing on my land.  Letting go of the brain habit of criticism and anger, I can more comfortably see that I own 120 acres and the previous steward let some things go that now I am cleaning up.  ahhhhhh... that feels better.  Thank you friend for sharing your life in a letter and unknowingly providing me with a healthy, balanced perspective to apply to my life here, so far away from you but ever so much closer.  

    Back at the beginning, eleven years ago, I remember driving in the car on our way home from visiting farm partner's friends, arguing about fences.  It was what was to become a typical argument, until I woke up years later and withdrew my contribution to the madness.  Bachelor's prepared Intensive Care Nurse of 12 years, turned farmer, trying to learn and understand fences, what seemed to me one of the major components of the type of farm I found myself living on.   Insecure and desperate for constant reassurance, I began the cycle of allowing myself to be shut down and squished by this irresponsible mentor I had newly given my life to.  That's the beginning of what I remember as withdrawing my attention from fences.  It wasn't worth the effort of interacting with him.  I simply wrote off a significant piece of the farm, imagining that he had lived here for 30 years with out me, so likely he would just continue maintaining fences as before.  My desire to learn and participate was obviously not something that farm partner was able to incorporate into his world.  

     I have awakened from a dream.  Moving here from the city eleven years ago, falling into a terribly beautiful dream where so much happened.  I learned from the cows how to interact with them.  I learned how to drive a tractor and pull a hay rake; how to butcher a 1,000 pound bull and a 400 pound pig.  The wizard that is farm partner allowed me to follow him around in the fields and forest and learn the names of trees and so many plants; how to tap maple trees and boil their sap all the way into sugar.  Living this lifestyle, my physical body healed from many imbalances and I continue to become healthier and stronger as I age.  The first 6 1/2 years of my child's life I was asleep in my dream and free to spend every moment with him, developing our intimate, honest, fun-loving relationship.  It was a good dream and I have no regrets.  Now, I am awake.  

    A few weeks ago I went out into the pasture to find the milk cows and bring Ms. Beauty up to the milk house like every other morning.  After a long and glorious walk through this gorgeous piece of earth, the cows were discovered over at the neighbors, munching away on his pretty lawn.  As I spent the next two hours bringing the cows home, it gently and lovingly occurred to me that I had allowed this to happen.  This is my land, these are my cows, and they got through MY fences.  I called my neighbor and let him know that I had been neglecting my fences, for eleven years, and my cows had been in his yard.  Thus the awakening began.  Later, walking the property line "fence" was shocking.  Seems I have got some work to do.  Thank God my friend provided the gentle context of just cleaning up what the previous steward had left.  Whether he remains physically here or not, I now clearly understand that he left quite a few years ago and I have a mess to clean up.

    There is nothing I would rather do and no other place I would rather be.  I am home.  I feel a little silly for sleeping so long, but that's just an old habit.  I know for sure that I am Loved, nothing has gone wrong, every thing is as it should be, my timing is perfect, and every thing is working out for me.  There are many neighbors and friends available to join me in my wakened state and that feels wonderful.  Welcome, Kari, to your beautiful life.  It's nice to have you here. 

following inspiration

     Awake easily, feeling rested, just before 6 am.  Down grassy hill to chicken coop, pull rope to open chicken sized door.  Good morning!  Pet the doggies. Great the sky.  Stretch, water, nice, easy poo, water, then sit and meditate for 20 min.  Write one page of things to appreciate: I love knowing that all is well.  I love sitting on this cushion facing east.  I love hearing the birds sing...

    Walk out to get the cows and they are close, short walk this morning.  Beauty the cow and Junia with her 5 day old bull calf come up the lane to the milk house.  Nab bull by the ear and wrestle halter in place, tie to a sturdy post.  Learning to lead and be around the humans.

   8 am Farm partner milks cows while I head out to Red barn.  Complete top of Red barn sweeping, old straw collected in wheel barrow and barrels and large bags.  Multiple trips across jungle yard to chicken coop, delivering straw for bedding for the next year.  YAY

    Short break and then out to pine trees behind saw building.  Clear fence line of pine boughs, baby mulberry and walnut trees, rose bushes, vines and such.  Open a clear path so fence can be seen clearly and repaired to hold calves securely.   Loppers clear the way and pine boughs break loudly when bent back by hand.  Gloves and shoes for this task.

Half and hour break, drink milk, find a piggy on craigs list, message sent.  

   4 pm  Out to the beautiful hay field that is our yard.  Barefoot now, yes.   Farm partner has been cutting grass with the scythe for a few days.  Top of the Red barn is ready and waiting.  Just try it.  Never done this before.  Just try it, nothing to lose, see if the grass dries up there.  Heavy, wet, dense grass raked into piles and stuffed into large bags.  Two bags fit in wheel barrow, good.  Over to the Red barn, bags too heavy to lift up ladder into loft.  IDEA comes.  Pulley.  Where did I put that pulley from Stephanie?  Eyes close, hand to heart, breathe, YES, hanging in the lean-too.  Walk easily and find it there.  Yes, there's a rope and here's a thick piece of twine.  Hook everything up and PULL, and PULL, its going up!  The heavy bag of hay is rising up into the top of the Red barn.  Stuck at opening, rope holds easily wrapped around wood block, climb ladder and push bag up through hole with my head - ha!  It worked!  I got 4 full bags up there in 2 hours, with a break in the middle to call and speak to pig lady.

    Turns out we know each other from years ago and there's a long friendly chat.  Finish hay and step into garden for a short visit.  Clear weeds to reveal Daisy patch and Echinacea coming up.  Nibble on chives, baby kale, and tot soi greens.  Onions coming up YAY!!!

Now here I sit, in celebration.  In joy.  I am loved and cared for and going tomorrow afternoon to pick up my Piggy.  My child is happy and healthy and safe and he came out with me to load the 3rd bag of hay and take a look at my super cool pulley system.  I brushed his hair and looked in his eyes today.  All is well.

Satisfaction.  Content.  Loved.  

HAY

     Gorgeous sight, grass cut, lying on the earth, drying in the sun.  To me, looks like milk in the winter time.  Looks like baby cows growing inside their mothers.  

    Sweep out the top of the Red Barn.  Dry straw covers the floor, falling generously down the ladder hole to ground level.  Looks like bedding.  Looks like a cozy chicken coop all summer, into winter.  

Abundance - everywhere 

Child swinging from a rope in the top of the Red Barn.  Laughing, flying, making things fun.  Kept me up there happily, focused much longer than expected.  Sweep, clear, open, organize, decide, imagine, listen for inspiration.  Imagine this place clean and holding hay, keep the hay dry, feed the animals, harvest the milk, feed the human family that lives here sharing space with all the creatures and the Red Barn.  Go to receive a space for hay and find bedding for a whole year.  Abundance.

Go to claim a new way to make hay and receive hours of fun with the child.  Giggle and shout joyous noise as straw is pushed over the edge, piling up at the foot of the ladder.  Push straw like a dog digging a hole, arms moving fast through legs as floor is cleared again and again.  Create game of swinging to safety from the broom giant who sweeps the floor, chomping straw under the rope.  Laugh and swing, sweep and roar, clear the floor, together.  Good time spent, memories made, enjoying the journey of freedom.  

    Neighbor friend mentioned that other neighbor wondered out loud if I was sleeping with my housemate anymore.  In neighbor's culture, man and woman live together and woman doesn't have a choice.  Visiting with neighbors later that day, I mentioned to woman neighbor that I have been a single woman for over 3 years.  Yes there is a child in our house but he is 6 1/2 years old and I have since, consciously chosen my own self respect, my own dignity, my own power as a single woman.  There has been no physical desire or contact for a long enough time that even he might understand how single I am.  

    Explained to neighbor that he is my housemate, my farm partner, the father of the child, someone I share space with.  My name is on the deed, I own 120 acres.  

I am home.

     I am your neighbor.  and your friend.  This is my life I share with you.   She asked me, "what was he doing on the tractor early morning, lights on, unusual?".   

Clarity felt good in response to an honest neighbor question,  "I don't know.

We rarely speak."

Kind neighbor gently nodded her understanding.  We've lived on this road with him for over 20 years.  We understand.  

I am not alone.