Racism

Living here in the middle of a community of people that participate in a cult, I have experienced what felt like racism.  They are not a race, they are a culture, but it felt like what people call racism.  I don’t believe in race anyway so the term does fit my experience.

I felt racist towards them.

    They all dress the same, have the same hair style, and drive the same vehicle so its impossible to tell them apart.  Occasionally, as I have stood in my yard, one of them will roll by and yell something aggressive at me and the children on my front porch.  It feels really uncomfortable to have someone yell as they pass my house.  I feel powerless because I cannot tell who it was, there is no way to identify the individual.  So I just hated them all.  Even the friendly ones that roll by and wave, I felt hate.  Just the sound of their vehicle would produce the body response that comes from being yelled at.  Tight chest, shallow breathing, I am afraid, I feel I need to defend myself against the whole lot of them.  Maybe its just been the same two or three individuals from the community that have been yelling, I have no way of knowing.  But I know that when I saw any of them I felt hate and fear and defensiveness.  A few people in their community have behaved aggressively towards me and I felt aggression towards all of them, each of them, as a group.  

I imagine that is what people mean when they say racism.  Somebody had what they interpret as a bad experience with another person.  The bad experience was with a person that is easily identifiable due to their skin color being different than the majority of humans around that particular neighborhood.  So the person with the majority skin color starts to hate all the people with the different skin color, just because they had a bad experience with one person of that color.  That’s what happened to me.  I get it.  Its not cool, its not ok, but I get it.  

It was just easier to hate all these people that cruise up and down the road past my house.  Feeling vulnerable due to the actions of a few was numbed by hating all of them.  I did not want to feel vulnerable, so I felt aggressive and defensive against all of them.  That was the easiest thing to do.  It made me feel safe.  They could not hurt me if I already hated them.  They could not reach me if I had already pushed them away.  I wanted control.  Hating the whole community gave me what felt like control. This was unlike anything I had ever felt before.

      I recognize that I am a white girl who grew up in upper-middle class midwestern small white town America in the 80’s.  My life defines what people call privileged.  But I also got the liberal bug quite early, much to my father’s dismay, and railed against racism.  I loved black people, I dated Jewish guys, I was naturally attracted to anything that was outside of the typical United States culture.  My freshman year anthropology class in college made it obvious, to me, that there is no such thing as race anyway.  Racism is a stupid word.  As my spiritual beliefs and practices evolved I could feel that humans are one and Love is all there is.  

Then I moved here and started to experience exactly what I had been hearing about all these years.  I became a Racist.  I judged these people in my mind, telling horrible stories to myself about them.  I spoke poorly about them to anyone that would listen, telling and retelling the things they had done to hurt me.  I was openly rude when ever I got the chance to be, not waving or looking at them as we passed each other on the road.  I was aggressive with my vehicle towards their vehicles, not turning my brights down at night, passing as close as I could get with out hitting them.  Oh it feels awful to tell this stuff but I want to write about racism.  Its a real thing that I experienced first hand and I do not like it.  It made me feel powerful but in a superficial, vulnerable kind of way.  I prefer the genuine, solid power that comes with Love.  Thank God for Love.  It really does conquer all.

I also experienced what I think of as reverse racism.  Living in the middle of this community that dresses the same and drives the same vehicle made me stand out quite a bit.  I was the barefoot, bare arm girl that lives at the Wilson place.  Any one of them could cruise past my house and know exactly who I was even though I had never seen them and had no idea who they were.  It reminded me of what I imagine it was like for a black person to move into a white neighborhood.  All the whiteys would know who the new guy was and he would not have any idea who they were.  Its not a comfortable feeling, especially when a few of the whites might roll by and yell something aggressive.  Again, I felt vulnerable because they knew me and I did not know them.  I stuck out and they blended in together.  

None of it is right, none of it is ok.  I am just so glad this all happened in my life so I could get a real taste of what people are talking about.  And nothing bad came of my experience.  Nobody was physically injured, no charges were pressed against anyone.  For me, only good came from this walk in my crazy life.  I feel equipped to understand another person’s struggle with racism and I like to understand people.  I love humans.  Maybe I could help someone get over their racism as I have gotten over mine.  I learned so much about myself during this process and I am grateful it all happened.  

I stopped at one of my neighbor’s places the other day.  He has a sign by the road that said “Harness Shop”.  I wanted for our calves, a halter that was one size larger than the small one we have.  The neighbor was a bit short with me, he was in the middle of unloading something from his friend’s truck.  I kept my peace and pushed through and we made a nice exchange of money and halter.  I asked him his name and he told me.  I told him my name but he already knew who I was, and he knew my child’s name too.  This was the first time I had ever met him, looked into his eyes.  Maybe I’ve seen him pass by on the road, I have no way of knowing.  But it was fine.  It was a pleasant interaction and I feel appreciation to have a shop like that just down the road from my farm.  There are many things I do not appreciate about this community of people that I live in, but I love them all.  I love them because they are humans.  They are doing the best they can and they are individuals, even though they all dress the same and have the same haircuts.  Each one of them is unique and I am safe.  I am not vulnerable.  No one could ever do anything to change that.  My safety and my security come from my faithful relationship with God.  Love is all there is.  Racism helped me learn the truth.    

frequently used Phrases

Words are lovely to me and I enjoy learning to offer my words intentionally.  With a child, phrases are helpful because young children thrive on repetition and consistency.  I find satisfaction in using specific phrases that resonate with my personal truth.  Following are some examples of commonly used phrases that I replaced with words that flow well for me.  

 - Be careful

     I like to say “stay alert”.  When I know I want the kid to be careful, it always feels a little bit scary and I imagine him falling down from the high thing he is climbing.  So I don’t say be careful because the child would feel what I am focused on, the fear. Fear causes people to make mistakes, lose their focus and fall.  So when he’s climbing or what ever activity makes me want to say be careful, I always stop him, get his attention, and say “stay alert”.  Its a conscious exchange and he feels that.  When I say stay alert, I am thinking about how I have observed him in the past being really careful and deliberate and how he has good balance and he enjoys climbing and he doesn’t attract injury and drama into his experience.  I am thinking about how he succeeds, he masters activities, he is the king of the world, determined and bright.  So when I stop and intentionally offer “stay alert”, the child feels all that I am focused on, there’s no fear in it.  The vibration he receives from me is confidence in his ability to focus.  

 - Don’t get too close

      I like to say “give the cow space”.  If I say don’t get too close, it feels vague and sort of fearful, like there’s danger here and if you’re too close you’ll get hurt.  While all that may be true, I don’t want to focus on that.  I like to use positive statements instead of telling him “don’t” do something.  And I like to be more specific.  What does too close mean?  It only implies the danger, too close to get hurt.  Well how close is that and why am I putting the idea of close into his head?  I don’t want him close to the cow.  The positive statement “give the cow space” empowers the child.  He is in control, he can give space.  He gets to make the choice, he is responsible for his own safety, he is powerful.  Give the cow space, well how much space is a bit vague but he can look at the legs and see how long they are, maybe how far they can reach.  When I’m focused on space, that is the safe feeling, there is safety in space.  And I can guide him by saying, more space, that’s good and give her just a bit more space.  So he’s being generous to the cow and giving her space and he is safe so I can relax and squeeze the teats.  

 - I can’t do it

       I try to never say this myself and I always say, “I am learning to…”.   That one’s hard because sometimes I am in the moment, failing at some task and I feel frustration, but it does feel better to say “I am learning how”.  I have heard the child say, I can’t do it, a few times and it breaks my heart.  I know that he can do anything and I know that he knows that deep down, but its natural to feel frustration.  So if I hear him say it I always gently offer “you are learning how”.   He usually doesn’t respond well to that but I keep it light and focus on my pure knowing that he is learning, exploring the world and he CAN do it.  When someone asks me something about the child I always genuinely answer that “he is learning how”.   Like swimming.  He’s not in lessons or anything but he plays in the bathtub and we spend time at the lake, and yes, he is becoming more comfortable in the water and in a natural human way he is experiencing water and learning how to swim.  Its good for him to hear me tell other people my truth, he is learning how.  I feel a lot better when I can’t do something quite right, even emotional stuff like reacting well to my partner, to think or say to myself, I am learning how.  

 - I want that.

      Usually a new toy that his friend had at church.  “Mama, I want a such-and-such transformer.”    I like to say “Its good to know what you want”.  When he tells me he wants something I usually feel a twinge of guilt that I am not going to get that for him.  I am his mama and I want to give him the whole world, the moon, and the stars.  I want him to have everything that he wants in life.  Its natural for a mama to feel responsible for getting him what he wants, that’s how the human race has survived on planet earth.  When they’re babies and they cry, it is our natural inclination to get them what they want: warmth, food from our own bodies, a dry bottom, Love.  Then they get older.  We did well raising them up, but now he wants a transformer toy.  I know that I am not the only source of what the child wants.  God used me when he was little to keep him safe and fed and loved.  God uses an infinite number of ways to fulfill our needs and desires.  Its more comfortable for me to know that the child can desire something and he may receive it from the Universe, and it doesn’t have to flow through me or my wallet.  I told him after church that for me it feels good to think about the countless times we’ve had friends show up in our driveway specifically to drop off a toy for Mateo.  We really have been blessed and he remembers.  It is good to know what you want.  I’m glad he knew when he was hungry or cold as a baby and I want him to know what he wants to study and pursue when he’s older, so I can honestly tell him now, I am glad you know what you want.  I like being honest with him and I like him to feel desire and I like to feel free of guilt, to know that God has loving arms around my child too.  

 - Brush your teeth

      This was personal for me as I remember resisting that phrase for many, many years.  Right from the very beginning I wanted it to be different for him.  I decided to focus on something that he may value when he gets a little older, a fresh clean mouth.   I like the way my mouth feels all fresh and clean after I brush and I always brush my tongue too.  When we’re getting ready to go somewhere I can comfortably ask him, do you have a fresh clean mouth?  I want him to focus on the wonderful way it feels and not the chore of obeying his mama to brush his teeth.  

 - Blah, blah, blah…

      So many times throughout the day there are 1 million things I could say.  I am learning to not say them.  I am learning to hold my peace and stay silent.  Its a quiet, loving silence.  I’m not good at the teeth clenched, angry silence.  I usually just yell.  But what I like is the hold him in Love Silence.  When he was younger and learning to speak, I knew that much of what he offered verbally was just practice.  He was learning to form words with his developing mind and his developing throat and mouth muscles.  He was imitating phrases and words that he had heard.  Practice.  So I started practicing silence then.  The 10 thousand questions were just practice, like taking steps and learning to walk.  I would look at him and acknowledge that he spoke and I would breathe and wait.  Many times he wasn’t looking at me and he was on to the next idea, never really wanting an answer to his question.  It wasn’t a real question, he was practicing the art of human speech.  This continues for me today even though he speaks quite well now.  Many times I just hold him in Loving Silence.  He knows by now that if he is asking about something that I know he knows the answer to, he will not receive an answer from me.  If he persists, I will say, I believe you know.  I like to treat him as the intelligent being that he is and I like to maintain my own integrity.  Sometimes humans talk just to talk, to fill the silence.  We all do this sometimes.  I am trying to do it less and less and I want to foster that in the child also.  So when he wants attention and he goes for it by asking questions, I recognize what is happening and offer him attention in some way that is comfortable for me.  Or I tell him to go entertain himself.  The other thing that has been working well for me as of late is to say the phrase, “God Bless You”.   There are so many circumstances when I want to say something, but it will just make things more confusing or drag something out.  But words must come out of my mouth, so I say God bless you.  That fulfills my need to speak and it feels good to say.  It reminds me that I am not in this alone.  God loves the child and God loves me and everything is fine.  

  

You are good at Loving.

     This phrase I got from a spiritual teacher.   I like to say it to him when he’s overflowing joy for a kitten or a toy or some lego creation he just made.  I am so happy for him and I probably am not feeling the same thing at the same time but I want to honor his joy somehow even though I am not joining him in it.  It feels good to acknowledge that he is good at loving.  Its an important human quality and I want to celebrate that.  Yes you are my child, you are good at Loving.  

honest relationship

  In the dream, I was sort of reuniting with a group of people that I had left in charge of mateo.  They were watching him for me while I was doing something else.  As I approached the group outside in a city type yard next to a neighborhood street, I saw mateo.  He was driving a mini-van.  He was smiling and having fun, the van was going really fast, back and forth in the street.  I started screaming and waving my arms, running towards the van.  The windows were up, he couldn’t hear me, and he was having so much fun it wouldn’t have mattered.  He finally backed the van over the sidewalk into a yard and that’s when I reached him.  I open the door, took him in my arms, sat on the ground and just held him.  No words were offered, I just rocked back and forth holding him, crying with the sweet relief of having him safe in my arms.

It was nice to just run past the group of people that were meant to be watching him.  They had made themselves irrelevant.  There was no need to interact with them at all.  It was nice to just focus on the child.  There was absolutely nothing to discuss with the people who had agreed to watch my child.  There was absolutely no thing they could say or do to ever explain or make right the fact that under their watch, the child had been driving a minivan in the street.  A five year old child.  There was no reason to ever speak to them again.  Obviously they had demonstrated their values.

They don’t value my child’s life.  They don’t experience any integrity.  They aren’t interested in maintaining any kind of relationship with me, the child’s mother and friend.  It was nice to just run right past them without a glance or a thought.  Run right to the child and hold him safe in my arms.  That is all that matters.  Can’t change the past.  He’s safe now, out of the van, in my arms, safe.  Can know what to do in the future based on the behavior of those people.  They clearly communicated that they are not interested in caring for a child.  They obviously have no desire to communicate and interact with the the child.  They would rather let the child drive a minivan than attempt the kind of communication necessary to keep the child safe.  

I get it.  I totally understand.  Its hard sometimes to communicate with mateo.  Its hard to communicate with humans sometime, in general.  I see parents at my church that just let their kids run and talk during the opening prayer.  Its just easier for them to ignore their child and maybe smack his butt towards the end of the service after he’s been disruptive the whole time.  That’s one of the main things I love about church.  It provides the space, the opportunity for me to develop, to practice my relationship with mateo.

Now we have a thing, that we’ve developed over time and with lots of practice.  When a friend is praying, the mouth is closed and the hands are still.  Simple.  I use the same words every time so its clear, consistent, and I know that kids under seven thrive on repetition.  I want mateo to do well, so I use communication that resonates with his developmental stage.  I know what resonates with him because I got books from the library and read a whole bunch and meditated on what I found and came up with communication that fits well for our specific relationship.  I tried some things and observed the results and made adjustments accordingly, to get the results I desired.  What I desire is to have clear, honest communication with the child, so he feels respected and free to participate in the activity in a supportive way.  

He loves to go to church.  So he is willing to participate in the church environment.  He willingly honors the quiet when a friend is praying.  I have explained to him what is expected and why and he understands and agrees.  Not out of fear.  I’ve never punished him for not being quiet during the prayer.  I speak to him about it sometimes before church and after church.  I prep him before we get there, to build the healthy habit of respecting the person offering the prayer.  

I want mateo to learn and practice self-control and church is such a wonderful environment for that.  Yes its fun to run and play with your church cousins, and, part of the church experience is praying.  He understands that coming to church means he gets to play with friends and he gets to practice self-control.  It builds his confidence to know that he can stop talking.  He can hold his toy still.  Even when the kids around him are talking, he focuses on the only thing he can control, himself.   During the singing we have another little rule.  I hesitate to call it a rule.  Its a phrase that I use over and over with him, to allow him his freedom while he participates in honoring the environment around him.  I want to listen to the singing, so you talk in a quiet voice.  That’s it.  He can play and have fun with his friends, and the moment his voice gets regular volume or louder, I calmly go over, greet the children loving with a whispered, hello friends, and I tell them, “I want to listen to the singing.  Speak in a quiet voice.”  They hear me whispering and the demonstration helps them understand.  I always say the same phrase so they understand, they thrive on repetition.  One time Wyatt kept speaking loud at the table with mateo and I asked Wyatt to say a silly phrase in quiet voice.  He did and I praised him.  He honestly didn’t know how to speak in a quiet voice and he responded well to some loving guidance.  

And mateo and I talk about, what if the kids around you are playing with toys and being loud, how do you act during the prayer?  Closed mouth, still hands.  Do you tell them to be quiet or try to still their hands?  No.  Demonstrate the way to act during a prayer.  You do the right thing to honor John praying and that’s perfect.