In the dream, I was sort of reuniting with a group of people that I had left in charge of mateo. They were watching him for me while I was doing something else. As I approached the group outside in a city type yard next to a neighborhood street, I saw mateo. He was driving a mini-van. He was smiling and having fun, the van was going really fast, back and forth in the street. I started screaming and waving my arms, running towards the van. The windows were up, he couldn’t hear me, and he was having so much fun it wouldn’t have mattered. He finally backed the van over the sidewalk into a yard and that’s when I reached him. I open the door, took him in my arms, sat on the ground and just held him. No words were offered, I just rocked back and forth holding him, crying with the sweet relief of having him safe in my arms.
It was nice to just run past the group of people that were meant to be watching him. They had made themselves irrelevant. There was no need to interact with them at all. It was nice to just focus on the child. There was absolutely nothing to discuss with the people who had agreed to watch my child. There was absolutely no thing they could say or do to ever explain or make right the fact that under their watch, the child had been driving a minivan in the street. A five year old child. There was no reason to ever speak to them again. Obviously they had demonstrated their values.
They don’t value my child’s life. They don’t experience any integrity. They aren’t interested in maintaining any kind of relationship with me, the child’s mother and friend. It was nice to just run right past them without a glance or a thought. Run right to the child and hold him safe in my arms. That is all that matters. Can’t change the past. He’s safe now, out of the van, in my arms, safe. Can know what to do in the future based on the behavior of those people. They clearly communicated that they are not interested in caring for a child. They obviously have no desire to communicate and interact with the the child. They would rather let the child drive a minivan than attempt the kind of communication necessary to keep the child safe.
I get it. I totally understand. Its hard sometimes to communicate with mateo. Its hard to communicate with humans sometime, in general. I see parents at my church that just let their kids run and talk during the opening prayer. Its just easier for them to ignore their child and maybe smack his butt towards the end of the service after he’s been disruptive the whole time. That’s one of the main things I love about church. It provides the space, the opportunity for me to develop, to practice my relationship with mateo.
Now we have a thing, that we’ve developed over time and with lots of practice. When a friend is praying, the mouth is closed and the hands are still. Simple. I use the same words every time so its clear, consistent, and I know that kids under seven thrive on repetition. I want mateo to do well, so I use communication that resonates with his developmental stage. I know what resonates with him because I got books from the library and read a whole bunch and meditated on what I found and came up with communication that fits well for our specific relationship. I tried some things and observed the results and made adjustments accordingly, to get the results I desired. What I desire is to have clear, honest communication with the child, so he feels respected and free to participate in the activity in a supportive way.
He loves to go to church. So he is willing to participate in the church environment. He willingly honors the quiet when a friend is praying. I have explained to him what is expected and why and he understands and agrees. Not out of fear. I’ve never punished him for not being quiet during the prayer. I speak to him about it sometimes before church and after church. I prep him before we get there, to build the healthy habit of respecting the person offering the prayer.
I want mateo to learn and practice self-control and church is such a wonderful environment for that. Yes its fun to run and play with your church cousins, and, part of the church experience is praying. He understands that coming to church means he gets to play with friends and he gets to practice self-control. It builds his confidence to know that he can stop talking. He can hold his toy still. Even when the kids around him are talking, he focuses on the only thing he can control, himself. During the singing we have another little rule. I hesitate to call it a rule. Its a phrase that I use over and over with him, to allow him his freedom while he participates in honoring the environment around him. I want to listen to the singing, so you talk in a quiet voice. That’s it. He can play and have fun with his friends, and the moment his voice gets regular volume or louder, I calmly go over, greet the children loving with a whispered, hello friends, and I tell them, “I want to listen to the singing. Speak in a quiet voice.” They hear me whispering and the demonstration helps them understand. I always say the same phrase so they understand, they thrive on repetition. One time Wyatt kept speaking loud at the table with mateo and I asked Wyatt to say a silly phrase in quiet voice. He did and I praised him. He honestly didn’t know how to speak in a quiet voice and he responded well to some loving guidance.
And mateo and I talk about, what if the kids around you are playing with toys and being loud, how do you act during the prayer? Closed mouth, still hands. Do you tell them to be quiet or try to still their hands? No. Demonstrate the way to act during a prayer. You do the right thing to honor John praying and that’s perfect.
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