Words are lovely to me and I enjoy learning to offer my words intentionally. With a child, phrases are helpful because young children thrive on repetition and consistency. I find satisfaction in using specific phrases that resonate with my personal truth. Following are some examples of commonly used phrases that I replaced with words that flow well for me.
- Be careful
I like to say “stay alert”. When I know I want the kid to be careful, it always feels a little bit scary and I imagine him falling down from the high thing he is climbing. So I don’t say be careful because the child would feel what I am focused on, the fear. Fear causes people to make mistakes, lose their focus and fall. So when he’s climbing or what ever activity makes me want to say be careful, I always stop him, get his attention, and say “stay alert”. Its a conscious exchange and he feels that. When I say stay alert, I am thinking about how I have observed him in the past being really careful and deliberate and how he has good balance and he enjoys climbing and he doesn’t attract injury and drama into his experience. I am thinking about how he succeeds, he masters activities, he is the king of the world, determined and bright. So when I stop and intentionally offer “stay alert”, the child feels all that I am focused on, there’s no fear in it. The vibration he receives from me is confidence in his ability to focus.
- Don’t get too close
I like to say “give the cow space”. If I say don’t get too close, it feels vague and sort of fearful, like there’s danger here and if you’re too close you’ll get hurt. While all that may be true, I don’t want to focus on that. I like to use positive statements instead of telling him “don’t” do something. And I like to be more specific. What does too close mean? It only implies the danger, too close to get hurt. Well how close is that and why am I putting the idea of close into his head? I don’t want him close to the cow. The positive statement “give the cow space” empowers the child. He is in control, he can give space. He gets to make the choice, he is responsible for his own safety, he is powerful. Give the cow space, well how much space is a bit vague but he can look at the legs and see how long they are, maybe how far they can reach. When I’m focused on space, that is the safe feeling, there is safety in space. And I can guide him by saying, more space, that’s good and give her just a bit more space. So he’s being generous to the cow and giving her space and he is safe so I can relax and squeeze the teats.
- I can’t do it
I try to never say this myself and I always say, “I am learning to…”. That one’s hard because sometimes I am in the moment, failing at some task and I feel frustration, but it does feel better to say “I am learning how”. I have heard the child say, I can’t do it, a few times and it breaks my heart. I know that he can do anything and I know that he knows that deep down, but its natural to feel frustration. So if I hear him say it I always gently offer “you are learning how”. He usually doesn’t respond well to that but I keep it light and focus on my pure knowing that he is learning, exploring the world and he CAN do it. When someone asks me something about the child I always genuinely answer that “he is learning how”. Like swimming. He’s not in lessons or anything but he plays in the bathtub and we spend time at the lake, and yes, he is becoming more comfortable in the water and in a natural human way he is experiencing water and learning how to swim. Its good for him to hear me tell other people my truth, he is learning how. I feel a lot better when I can’t do something quite right, even emotional stuff like reacting well to my partner, to think or say to myself, I am learning how.
- I want that.
Usually a new toy that his friend had at church. “Mama, I want a such-and-such transformer.” I like to say “Its good to know what you want”. When he tells me he wants something I usually feel a twinge of guilt that I am not going to get that for him. I am his mama and I want to give him the whole world, the moon, and the stars. I want him to have everything that he wants in life. Its natural for a mama to feel responsible for getting him what he wants, that’s how the human race has survived on planet earth. When they’re babies and they cry, it is our natural inclination to get them what they want: warmth, food from our own bodies, a dry bottom, Love. Then they get older. We did well raising them up, but now he wants a transformer toy. I know that I am not the only source of what the child wants. God used me when he was little to keep him safe and fed and loved. God uses an infinite number of ways to fulfill our needs and desires. Its more comfortable for me to know that the child can desire something and he may receive it from the Universe, and it doesn’t have to flow through me or my wallet. I told him after church that for me it feels good to think about the countless times we’ve had friends show up in our driveway specifically to drop off a toy for Mateo. We really have been blessed and he remembers. It is good to know what you want. I’m glad he knew when he was hungry or cold as a baby and I want him to know what he wants to study and pursue when he’s older, so I can honestly tell him now, I am glad you know what you want. I like being honest with him and I like him to feel desire and I like to feel free of guilt, to know that God has loving arms around my child too.
- Brush your teeth
This was personal for me as I remember resisting that phrase for many, many years. Right from the very beginning I wanted it to be different for him. I decided to focus on something that he may value when he gets a little older, a fresh clean mouth. I like the way my mouth feels all fresh and clean after I brush and I always brush my tongue too. When we’re getting ready to go somewhere I can comfortably ask him, do you have a fresh clean mouth? I want him to focus on the wonderful way it feels and not the chore of obeying his mama to brush his teeth.
- Blah, blah, blah…
So many times throughout the day there are 1 million things I could say. I am learning to not say them. I am learning to hold my peace and stay silent. Its a quiet, loving silence. I’m not good at the teeth clenched, angry silence. I usually just yell. But what I like is the hold him in Love Silence. When he was younger and learning to speak, I knew that much of what he offered verbally was just practice. He was learning to form words with his developing mind and his developing throat and mouth muscles. He was imitating phrases and words that he had heard. Practice. So I started practicing silence then. The 10 thousand questions were just practice, like taking steps and learning to walk. I would look at him and acknowledge that he spoke and I would breathe and wait. Many times he wasn’t looking at me and he was on to the next idea, never really wanting an answer to his question. It wasn’t a real question, he was practicing the art of human speech. This continues for me today even though he speaks quite well now. Many times I just hold him in Loving Silence. He knows by now that if he is asking about something that I know he knows the answer to, he will not receive an answer from me. If he persists, I will say, I believe you know. I like to treat him as the intelligent being that he is and I like to maintain my own integrity. Sometimes humans talk just to talk, to fill the silence. We all do this sometimes. I am trying to do it less and less and I want to foster that in the child also. So when he wants attention and he goes for it by asking questions, I recognize what is happening and offer him attention in some way that is comfortable for me. Or I tell him to go entertain himself. The other thing that has been working well for me as of late is to say the phrase, “God Bless You”. There are so many circumstances when I want to say something, but it will just make things more confusing or drag something out. But words must come out of my mouth, so I say God bless you. That fulfills my need to speak and it feels good to say. It reminds me that I am not in this alone. God loves the child and God loves me and everything is fine.
You are good at Loving.
This phrase I got from a spiritual teacher. I like to say it to him when he’s overflowing joy for a kitten or a toy or some lego creation he just made. I am so happy for him and I probably am not feeling the same thing at the same time but I want to honor his joy somehow even though I am not joining him in it. It feels good to acknowledge that he is good at loving. Its an important human quality and I want to celebrate that. Yes you are my child, you are good at Loving.
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