4am raw diary

 

Good morning Love

All is well

There are layers.  Yesterday the familiar, uncomfortable cycle happened.  There is an urge to explain and feel understood.  I want to surrender and let go of control.  I cannot wrestle this to the ground.  This needs gentleness and kindness.  

I need to change.  I want Mateo to change and my change will be brought about seeking Mateo’s change.

He demonstrates behavior identical to his papa’s in a very specific situation.  Focusing on it feels bad and yet also necessary because it is so subtle.

What the behavior tells me is that at times, Mateo feels powerless.  He makes decisions that show me he doesn’t care.  He is imitating his father.

It’s a specific, narcissistic behavior.  I felt so vulnerable.  I felt rage.  I reacted negatively, violently.  I swore. I wrecked his legos.  I spoke aggressively towards him.

This all affirmed his feelings of powerlessness.

Ok. Then the recovery was great, yes.  He is Mateo.  He is NOT papa.  So it’s ok.  He’s going to be ok.

But I want to build him up.  I want to guide him through his feelings of powerlessness and guide him towards excellence and seizing his power.

And that can only be done by my own surrender.  Through gentleness and kindness.

This is not something I can exert my will over and fix.  This is something, like everything, I am asking for help to navigate my way through.

Yesterday I tried to make it seem like Mateo’s behavior was the main issue that needs to be fixed.  My reaction to his behavior was what caused all the fuss.  Wrecking his legos.  Then before bed I spoke aggressively to him about how he was processing the wrecked legos.  

I am asking for help.

My inspiration to build him up following what I am learning in Agape Sunday Services is correct.  What I heard on the Michael Beckwith CD about letting go of control and surrendering fits here also.  Yesterday I was operating from the stage-one of victimhood.  So I have found a specific area of my life where I can let go and surrender.  Good.

When Mateo says things that reveal his weakness, I attack him.

There is a strong urge to feel understood.  To somehow feel acknowledged and receive points for what I’m doing.  Maybe that’s the thing.  I want to let go of DOING this, fixing Mateo’s weakness, fixing my own anger that’s hiding feelings of vulnerability.  I want to let go of fixing it, partly because clearly it is NOT working, I want to let go and surrender.  This is just one area.  It’s a small area.  No one is broken.  

Mateo acts exactly like papa and I react exactly the same way.  He agreed it felt familiar.  I am using Mateo to blah blah blah.

  Ok so I gained a lot of clarity yesterday and right now.  

There’s a fear thing hanging around this.  So I ask for help in letting go of that.  I don’t need to describe exactly what is going on.  I can let go.  I feel terrified that I’m locked in this yucky cycle with Mateo.  It’s ok Kari.  No one is locked into anything.  

Pay attention to inspiration. My prime directive is to know God and receive inspiration.

 My focus can be the kids and my own energy and noticing what thoughts there are and allowing some fresh energy into the details of that particular life circumstance.  I did good yesterday when I said to Mateo about allowing some fresh energy in.  I want to not explain all of this to Mateo.  I want to let Mateo off the hook.  I want him to just be a kid and I want to just be his mom.  I want to be a steady rock mom.  Yes.

A steady, rock mom.  I want to let go of fixing myself and allow my steady, rock mom energy to flow. 

Thank you

(Back to sleep and then I dreamed:

My family has a pack of wild dogs to protect us and keep everyone away.  I am going outside, with the dogs to make friends with the people they are trying to keep away.

YAY!  I woke up with Thank you on my lips.  

AXMiTax

 Talking points from video

$80 Billion - what MI spends per year

$2.7 billion - amount from property taxes

Property taxes = 3.4% of Michigan's annual budget.    (2.7 / 80 = 0.03375)  

SET - State Education Tax = 2.7 state wide or 6 millages

$20 billion - Michigan Public School Aid Fund

This $20 billion for our public schools comes from corporate business tax, use tax, income tax, sales tax, excise tax, the lottery, real estate transfer tax, alcohol, tobacco, marijuana taxes and property tax.

$2.7 billion - all the property taxes collected in MI go into the MI Pubic School Aid Fund

86.5% of the Public School budget comes from taxes OTHER than property tax.   Public Schools receive $17.3 billion from the other taxes listed above.  

13.5 % - property taxes make up less than 14% of the Public school budget.  (2.7 / 20 = 0.135)

$10 billion - sales tax collected in Michigan each year

15% - amount of sales tax revenue currently distributed to local governments

20% - amount of sales tax revenue distributed to local governments as required by AxMITax 

5% - amount of  increase in General Revenue Sharing required by AxMITax.  GRS is a constitutional mandate where local governments, based on population, receive part of the sales tax revenue.  This is in contrast to the statutory law regarding what local governments receive from income, alcohol, and other taxes. 

$13 billion - state income tax collected each year in MI

$0 - amount counties receive currently 

10% - amount counties will receive as required by AxMITax

AxMITax requires that municipalities and counties each receive 10% of tax revenue from income, alcohol, tobacco, and marihuana

Statutory - It is the Governor's decision whether or not MI counties receive $ from the state income tax. Right now, all the $ from state income tax goes into the general fund and that $ gets spent so counties do not receive any of it.  This is in contrast to the Constitutionally Mandated General Revenue Sharing where Counties currently receive their piece of 15% of all the sales tax collected.  

https://www.americanrevivalpress.org/post/maybe-if-we-take-away-their-money?fbclid=IwY2xjawHL1VxleHRuA2FlbQIxMQABHUe8Y7mKjaBw-AlWEQ9As2YQzDmUZudl8cJaSsjpr3PU9BTIKROQ9rXluA_aem_esofDm2vKRQOdfut3B6hxA

What we don't say

 "Awww, look. That's nice.  He's putting birdseed out for the birds."

    I knew the young man was spreading salt on the icy walk of the store we had just left. 

I also knew that I thought I knew it was salt, but I had not seen the substance up close to really know what it was, nor had I seen the container that the young man had scooped out of.  I imagined, based on the conditions and my past experience with icy sidewalks, that salt was sprinkling down from the scoop, not birdseed.  

So what?

Recognizing and basking in the moment of my child's joy and celebrating with him is infinitely more important than correcting him as to the exact substance and intent of the scene we were witnessing.  I imagined salt being spread to make customers more comfortable walking into the store, but also possibly to avoid a potential lawsuit in our current society of "blame someone else for my fall on the ice".  My beautiful child imagined a kind young man braving the elements of a Michigan winter to offer birdseed to hungry birds.  

Yes.  Yes to the world that he imagines.  

I am raising my child by the things I don't say.  I am supporting his imagination and his natural belief in the goodness of people.  He is showing me that the world is a kind and generous place, if only I will look at it that way.  Brilliant genius.  

I am the lucky one.