4am raw diary

 

Good morning Love

All is well

There are layers.  Yesterday the familiar, uncomfortable cycle happened.  There is an urge to explain and feel understood.  I want to surrender and let go of control.  I cannot wrestle this to the ground.  This needs gentleness and kindness.  

I need to change.  I want Mateo to change and my change will be brought about seeking Mateo’s change.

He demonstrates behavior identical to his papa’s in a very specific situation.  Focusing on it feels bad and yet also necessary because it is so subtle.

What the behavior tells me is that at times, Mateo feels powerless.  He makes decisions that show me he doesn’t care.  He is imitating his father.

It’s a specific, narcissistic behavior.  I felt so vulnerable.  I felt rage.  I reacted negatively, violently.  I swore. I wrecked his legos.  I spoke aggressively towards him.

This all affirmed his feelings of powerlessness.

Ok. Then the recovery was great, yes.  He is Mateo.  He is NOT papa.  So it’s ok.  He’s going to be ok.

But I want to build him up.  I want to guide him through his feelings of powerlessness and guide him towards excellence and seizing his power.

And that can only be done by my own surrender.  Through gentleness and kindness.

This is not something I can exert my will over and fix.  This is something, like everything, I am asking for help to navigate my way through.

Yesterday I tried to make it seem like Mateo’s behavior was the main issue that needs to be fixed.  My reaction to his behavior was what caused all the fuss.  Wrecking his legos.  Then before bed I spoke aggressively to him about how he was processing the wrecked legos.  

I am asking for help.

My inspiration to build him up following what I am learning in Agape Sunday Services is correct.  What I heard on the Michael Beckwith CD about letting go of control and surrendering fits here also.  Yesterday I was operating from the stage-one of victimhood.  So I have found a specific area of my life where I can let go and surrender.  Good.

When Mateo says things that reveal his weakness, I attack him.

There is a strong urge to feel understood.  To somehow feel acknowledged and receive points for what I’m doing.  Maybe that’s the thing.  I want to let go of DOING this, fixing Mateo’s weakness, fixing my own anger that’s hiding feelings of vulnerability.  I want to let go of fixing it, partly because clearly it is NOT working, I want to let go and surrender.  This is just one area.  It’s a small area.  No one is broken.  

Mateo acts exactly like papa and I react exactly the same way.  He agreed it felt familiar.  I am using Mateo to blah blah blah.

  Ok so I gained a lot of clarity yesterday and right now.  

There’s a fear thing hanging around this.  So I ask for help in letting go of that.  I don’t need to describe exactly what is going on.  I can let go.  I feel terrified that I’m locked in this yucky cycle with Mateo.  It’s ok Kari.  No one is locked into anything.  

Pay attention to inspiration. My prime directive is to know God and receive inspiration.

 My focus can be the kids and my own energy and noticing what thoughts there are and allowing some fresh energy into the details of that particular life circumstance.  I did good yesterday when I said to Mateo about allowing some fresh energy in.  I want to not explain all of this to Mateo.  I want to let Mateo off the hook.  I want him to just be a kid and I want to just be his mom.  I want to be a steady rock mom.  Yes.

A steady, rock mom.  I want to let go of fixing myself and allow my steady, rock mom energy to flow. 

Thank you

(Back to sleep and then I dreamed:

My family has a pack of wild dogs to protect us and keep everyone away.  I am going outside, with the dogs to make friends with the people they are trying to keep away.

YAY!  I woke up with Thank you on my lips.  

AXMiTax

 Talking points from video

$80 Billion - what MI spends per year

$2.7 billion - amount from property taxes

Property taxes = 3.4% of Michigan's annual budget.    (2.7 / 80 = 0.03375)  

SET - State Education Tax = 2.7 state wide or 6 millages

$20 billion - Michigan Public School Aid Fund

This $20 billion for our public schools comes from corporate business tax, use tax, income tax, sales tax, excise tax, the lottery, real estate transfer tax, alcohol, tobacco, marijuana taxes and property tax.

$2.7 billion - all the property taxes collected in MI go into the MI Pubic School Aid Fund

86.5% of the Public School budget comes from taxes OTHER than property tax.   Public Schools receive $17.3 billion from the other taxes listed above.  

13.5 % - property taxes make up less than 14% of the Public school budget.  (2.7 / 20 = 0.135)

$10 billion - sales tax collected in Michigan each year

15% - amount of sales tax revenue currently distributed to local governments

20% - amount of sales tax revenue distributed to local governments as required by AxMITax 

5% - amount of  increase in General Revenue Sharing required by AxMITax.  GRS is a constitutional mandate where local governments, based on population, receive part of the sales tax revenue.  This is in contrast to the statutory law regarding what local governments receive from income, alcohol, and other taxes. 

$13 billion - state income tax collected each year in MI

$0 - amount counties receive currently 

10% - amount counties will receive as required by AxMITax

AxMITax requires that municipalities and counties each receive 10% of tax revenue from income, alcohol, tobacco, and marihuana

Statutory - It is the Governor's decision whether or not MI counties receive $ from the state income tax. Right now, all the $ from state income tax goes into the general fund and that $ gets spent so counties do not receive any of it.  This is in contrast to the Constitutionally Mandated General Revenue Sharing where Counties currently receive their piece of 15% of all the sales tax collected.  

https://www.americanrevivalpress.org/post/maybe-if-we-take-away-their-money?fbclid=IwY2xjawHL1VxleHRuA2FlbQIxMQABHUe8Y7mKjaBw-AlWEQ9As2YQzDmUZudl8cJaSsjpr3PU9BTIKROQ9rXluA_aem_esofDm2vKRQOdfut3B6hxA

What we don't say

 "Awww, look. That's nice.  He's putting birdseed out for the birds."

    I knew the young man was spreading salt on the icy walk of the store we had just left. 

I also knew that I thought I knew it was salt, but I had not seen the substance up close to really know what it was, nor had I seen the container that the young man had scooped out of.  I imagined, based on the conditions and my past experience with icy sidewalks, that salt was sprinkling down from the scoop, not birdseed.  

So what?

Recognizing and basking in the moment of my child's joy and celebrating with him is infinitely more important than correcting him as to the exact substance and intent of the scene we were witnessing.  I imagined salt being spread to make customers more comfortable walking into the store, but also possibly to avoid a potential lawsuit in our current society of "blame someone else for my fall on the ice".  My beautiful child imagined a kind young man braving the elements of a Michigan winter to offer birdseed to hungry birds.  

Yes.  Yes to the world that he imagines.  

I am raising my child by the things I don't say.  I am supporting his imagination and his natural belief in the goodness of people.  He is showing me that the world is a kind and generous place, if only I will look at it that way.  Brilliant genius.  

I am the lucky one.  

Look up at the sky

  In response to my comment, she wrote that she wanted "to be kind but honest".  Those are two of the most important things in the whole world to me.  Kindness and honesty. 

And.

  It is significant that she wrote the word but, instead of and.  Let us be kind and honest.  They go well together.

  Her desire for kindness and honesty inspired me to take this seriously and go beyond a line or two on social media.  

    This morning I awoke from a dream about two old friends.  One of them has invested the 2nd half of her short life into the western medical establishment while her wife has invested her life into her own personal truth, the earth, and plants.   My mind wandered gently as I first became aware of being awake until wide awake happened as thoughts arrived at the "kind but honest" comment.  Her "very livelihood", (and possibly her sense of self), is “under attack”.  There are becoming two groups of people that can benefit from a mediator as our human culture moves forward.  I want to mediate between people who have their personal identity wrapped up in science and government agencies and people like me, who have our personal identity wrapped up in Love and Oneness and Infinity.

The first thing that comes to mind is the movie ‘La Belle Verte’ by Coline Serreau.  She offers a bold, beautiful, funny story about how we can move forward from where we find ourselves.  (see partial transcript below) 

This person that offered her kind but honest comment helps me feel encouraged through a series of pictures she took herself to share her appreciation of the earth's seasons.  It helps to remember the earth.  This mediation I want to engage in will be led by the earth and my deep relationship with her.  The earth is strong beyond any human strength, beautiful in a way that can break through any human suffering, and resilient beyond the deepest human fear.  The earth is steady and dependable, we can rely on her to hold us lovingly in the face of extreme darkness.  She will never turn away from her own expansion and magnificent growth.  Our earth offers Life and only Life.  

The Life she offers comes from universal Wisdom.  Wisdom that gives a polite nod to our human knowledge.  The Life that earth offers comes from the Love that is able to embrace human understanding of what we call science while resting in the Wisdom that encompasses and dwarfs it.   How big is the sky?  Lie on your back and look up at the sky.  Just feel it.  You are so small.  And, you are so big because you are the sky.  You are being held by the earth as you lie on your back and gaze at the vast Love that holds all of it.  

Our human society will change.  Our human society has changed immeasurably and people walked together through those changes.  Some holding weapons and some holding hands with their neighbor.  Imagine if we could step back from our personal investment in the current paradigm and gaze upon the grand picture that is unfolding.  We are living in a time of great change.  The kind of change that we read about in history books in high school.  What were those people feeling while they worked their jobs and shared meals with their families?  Were they living gracefully as society changed around them?  We can notice the momentous event as it’s happening and fight for things to stay the same, protecting our tiny version of the truth.  Or we can notice this societal shift and stand in awe of the kind AND honest energy expanding beyond human knowledge out towards Universal Wisdom.  

  Look up at the sky.

I would like to meet with you.  Maybe we could start a bridge group.  People from different sides coming together to share ideas and build bridges across the vast divide that we think exists between our ways of living.  The intention would be to practice understanding each other as humans, and to offer and receive kindness and honesty.  

La Belle Verte

 1:29:50 - (into the movie one hour, 29 minutes, and 50 seconds)

Two young men are describing their world to young women from earth:

Lots of lakes.  We all live on lakes.  It’s hot but it rains every night.   We have no houses.  We live in nests in the grass.  When we wake up, we swim in the lake.  We eat, we wash, then we play games to strengthen ourselves.  Each family has its games.  We do trapeze.  

    Old folks, 100?

Mom does.  She’s 150.  She’s had her third set of teeth.  At 135, you grow a new set of teeth.  You would if you lived longer.  We also died young during the industrial age.  Some families jump.  Others do tight rope walking.  

    Who runs the planet?

No one does… Everyone.  Once a year, village delegates meet on a mountain top.  

    A mountain top?

After a 2-hour mountain climb, you’re smarter.  We also have contraception meetings.  After the harvest, we decide how many babies to make.  

In the morning we play.  Then we eat.  

    What do you eat?

Lots of things: fruits, vegetables, olives, raw-vegetable kebabs, cereals… 

    No meat?

No, we eat beans.  Beans are great.  We eat everything raw.  

    You don’t have fire?

We don’t use it anymore.  Just for forging knives once a year.  Then we work the fields.  Then we work on our brains.  Telepathy, intuition, galactic voyages, spatial mathematics.  (Kids do it best).  

Can you predict the future?

    No, I can’t.  

Even if you concentrate?  No visions?  

    No.

Too bad.  

    Knowing isn’t always fun.  

But I wish I could.  

    Ask the boys.  I was lousy in archeology.  

Our industrial age ended with the trials and boycotts.  

    Trials?

Poisoners of human, animal and vegetable life were convicted of planetary genocide.      Who?

Fabricants of food, tobacco, alcohol, medicine, nuclear arms, cars.  Architects, doctors, politicians who profiteered.  

    That’s a lot.

It was a civil war.  Then came the Boycott.  People stopped buying and threw away anything toxic.  No more buying, no more power.  What could the police do?  What was that era called?  Pre-renaissance chaos.  

    There was re-birth?

Yes.  Can we try a car?

    So cars do interest you!

But the land...

 

You talked a lot about the house and buildings falling into disrepair.  At this time, those have nothing to do with me.  That house falling down is a testament to your father and how he has lived his life.  

But the land... that will be a testament to how I have lived MY life.  I was led to that land in 2011.  I was 36 years old and I had developed my higher listening enough to hear the call, and I listened.  I took a risk.  I walked away from my nursing career, rented out my house to pay the mortgage, (preventing it from falling into disrepair), and within a year and a half I was living there full time. 

That land saved my life.  I met God. Through that land I developed my personal, intimate relationship with God.  The house was saturated with the pain and fear of your father and the people who had lived there with him in the past.  

But the land... the longer that land goes untouched, the more valuable it becomes.  And it’s not the kind of value your appraisal would determine.  Our material world cannot measure the value of a piece of the earth.  Part of what makes that specific 120 acres so special is the devastation that surrounds it.  I will be the one to steward that land into the future, the way it should be.  I own that land and it is worth more than you or even your father can understand and it is none of your business.

Have you contacted Margi about the big White House at Jake’s falling into disrepair?  That seems similar to the concern you contacted me about yesterday.  I think that is a reasonable question and I would like an answer.  

My intention is not to be snarky.  It feels good to be sure.  Talking with you yesterday helped me to feel sure.  It is very sad to see the house and buildings in the condition they are in.

  But the land... the land becomes more beautiful and offers more exquisite value every single day that it is allowed to rest.

I am going to rest also and trust.  Things are always working out for me and I hold a grand vision for that land.  

So my proposal right now, is to take no action.  

I am very open to continuing the conversation with you.  I have a lot of questions and would love to hear your ideas if you feel inclined to share.

Why do you care if the house and buildings fall into disrepair?  Do you also care that the house and buildings at Jake’s have fallen into disrepair?

Why does it matter to you if the land goes into foreclosure?

I feel confident that it won’t, but why do you care, since you think that it will?

Thank you again for talking with me and I look forward to continuing this or any conversation.

Love,

Kari

dulcimer

 

Two sober drunks are sitting at their Alcoholics Anonymous meeting.  They’ve been going to the same meetings for years and enjoy each other’s company.  Two years ago the one that teaches art at a nature center welcomed the other’s new girlfriend and her son into three different art classes over the winter.  A few weeks ago as they visited before another AA meeting, the proud step-dad showed a video to the art teacher.  It’s the boy from the art classes playing the hammered dulcimer.  

 “How old is he?”

“He’s 9 years old now.”

Step-dad was just proud.  He was just simply celebrating this little man and the joy and love of music.  He knew the art teacher would enjoy seeing another artist, especially one she had a relationship with.  Two sober drunks casually sharing their lives, being friends.

The art teacher commented,  “Well I was wondering who I was going to give my dulcimer to”.

A few days later, he arrives at our house with the boy’s very own hammered dulcimer.  

A gift, from a friend.  

The boy’s gift to her was to receive her instrument and bring life back to it.

God uses all things for good.  Being a drunk is ugly and hurtful.

Being sober is beautiful and brave.

Being sober opens up one’s heart to receive God’s Love flowing through you right into other people to bless them beyond what you’re capable of alone.

One can’t be sober until one has been a drunk.

gentle world

 There is the option of preserving his youth and innocence as long as possible.

Yes, he will grow into a world of cuss words and gun shootings, but for now,

I am suggesting the option of allowing him youthful ignorance of those things.

I think it's lovely to support him in his rejection of the word "Hell". 

What's wrong with agreeing that it is an inappropriate word?  

I like the idea of him being soft and gentle for now.  You say that I am modest and that you like that about me.  I like that the child is gentle enough to reject the word "Hell", even if it is the name of a town.  He will be a man soon enough and then he can cuss and make crude jokes, but let's not rush it or encourage him to use the word Hell when he's actively trying to shy away from it.

I like to imagine the world and our human society moving towards more kindness and that means considering options that may seem a bit odd or unusual.  Things that have become usual in our society are not necessarily things that I want to be usual in his future. 

Like the idea of carrying a gun and shooting another driver.

Or pairing off with a girl.  

That does not need to be suggested and talked about as if it is inevitable.

He's a young child without the hormonal changes to even produce hair on his body, he does not need to be encouraged by a father-figure in his life to pair off with a female.  

I want to allow him to bask in the innocence of youth and just enjoy humans, whether they are male or female.  I heard you speaking to him about the boy you picked for Fiona and now you just need a girl for him.

Your point of view is normal and common.  I'm suggesting that we step outside of the normal, accepted view and create a different world.

This may require you holding your tongue.  You may imagine pairing him off with a pretty girl, but just not say anything to him about it.  

That is an option.

Just to be considered.

To create a different world going forward.