brief extracts from My Pregnancy Journal - Feb to Sept 2015

  I feel like the baby can handle it when I yell and feel angry and mean and scared.  I have Faith in this baby and I feel like they are strong and wise and fearless.  This baby just wants me to by joyful because that’s what all people can experience.  The baby intends to experience Joy and it wants the same for me as for everyone.  

      This is my home and this is what is important to me.  This is what fills my heart with that deep satisfaction.  That is the state little Filbert wanted me to be in when I am parenting him.  He wanted to be raised by a mother who is content in her Life.  Smart kid.  I really like him.

I put the baby in the sun for the first time yesterday, sitting in a chair in the yard, with my bare feet on the ground and sweatshirt pulled up, belly got warm.  Felt so good.  I heard the baby’s heart beat today.  I love the baby.  No one can disturb my Love for the baby.  I can take good care of the baby.  They chose me to hang out with.  I trust the baby, we are both wise and compassionate beings.  

There were such wonderful baby dreams last night.  They all felt peaceful and joyful, just fun and I was surrounded and supported by all the right beings.  More and more this baby just feels like my baby.  I am not going to pretend or force a partner.  Just imagine the partner I want and they will come into, we will join our journeys.  I feel eager and hopeful and confident and connected to this child of God.  This generous, wise being that chose me.  It didn’t necessarily choose Miguel, I am not clear on that.  And I don’t need to be.  I am clear that the being chose ME.  

I really Love to feel good.  I Love my baby.  I think they are still sleeping and it will be fun to notice movement.  I Love to rub my stomach and hold my baby by supporting the weight of my stomach with both hands.  I Love feeling the baby kick.  I Love thinking about the baby coming out of my body and up onto my chest and feeding at my breast.  I Love making the diapers for Baby.  I Love knowing that Baby is an independent Powerful, creative Being who comes to me of its own free will and we will create and expand together.  I appreciate all of this.  

Baby was moving a lot yesterday.  I Love to just sit and feel Baby move.  I’m going to be good at co-creating with baby.  I Love thinking about sitting by the swamp with baby on a blanket and just watching and listening to the Earth.  Feels Like mama Earth will raise the child and I get to participate.  Baby feels good.  I trust.  I have faith.  I know I am not alone.  

Thinking about the baby is weird.  Mostly there is a deep confidence that I will know what to do.  That feels strange because right now I can’t imagine what it will be like to care for a baby, a little human.  Yet there remains the fact that I will know what to do.  So it’s all Faith and Surrender.  Like with so many things on the farm, especially with the animals, I just know what to do.  I have just known what they need and what to do.  The knowledge of how to care for the baby is out there.  It’s not a secret.  So I don’t have to discover it or learn it.  I just need to let it flow thru me.  And that, I can practice each moment of each day.  Each moment that I allow well being to flow is practice for the baby.

Dear baby,

we did a lot today.  Milked the cows, fed the pigs.  Cleaned out the dresser where your clothes are going to be kept.  Emptied the freezer in the basement and got rid of all the ice.  Filled it back up again with 4 coolers full of meat from the big freezer down at your grandfather’s house.  Made bone broth, fed the pigs and chickens, got the eggs.  We had a company come and take away 2 upright freezers that we didn’t want anymore.  It was a big day.  Now it’s getting dark and your papa is speaking to Aunt Barbie on the phone.  My lower back feels a lot better after some stretching.  

Last week (1st wk July) you and I rode around on the orange tractor raking hay.  Papa was concerned how you would do on the tractor and it seemed fine.  I was glad to take some of the tractor time off of papa.  There was a lot of hay down and we were a big help to him.  Your papa is such an amazing man.  I am so excited to see the two of you together.  He loves you and me so much.  Thank you baby, for coming to be with us here on the farm.  We celebrate how wise and generous you are.  

I got up a little earlier than usual, feels good.  Already felt baby move a bunch.  One more day of everything being ok.

I Love being pregnant.  I stand in tremendous appreciation of the experience.  Acknowledging the gift it is, the honor.  I am a Being that carries another Being inside my body.  I Love how my body is changing.  I love the way my body looks.  It’s a unique situation in that I don’t want to always look and feel this way.  Loving my pregnant body comes with the inherent understanding of the temporary nature of the condition.  To live so many years and just stand by and watch other pregnant women, never really believing it to be for me, and now to experience it for myself.  I am filled with joy and appreciation.  Also accepting that this may be the only opportunity (in this body) I do savor each moment.  Mostly what I feel is strong.  When people ask how I’m feeling, that is what always seems to describe my experience.  I feel Strong.  Part of it is physical.  Part of it is a deep knowing.  My body is changing and growing a 2nd body Being inside of it, all without my conscious, intellectual understanding of how.  So I feel Strong.  Strong in my Faith. Strong in the knowledge that I am involved in something Bigger than me.  I am a vessel for Universal Wisdom.  My Belly is tangible proof that God exists and is creative and perfect and Loving.  

I imagine as time passes it may be difficult to remember the details of why and what I Love about being pregnant.  So I write this for myself.  The awe, the Faith.  I guess I can’t say.  It’s too big.  The only thing left to do is cherish each moment.  I’m so gad my experience is pure and far away from ‘society’ ideas and interpretations.  Being pregnant on the farm is such a human experience.  

Am I paying enough attention to the baby?  This baby chose me as its human mother.  I think baby Loves me just the way I am.  Someone mentioned talking to the baby.  Maybe I think about it more in terms of energy.  The baby is with me all the time, experiencing my energy.  If my energy is in a good, balanced place, do I need to talk to the baby?  I like to sing.  I just intend to vibrate in appreciation for the baby and if verbal words come, fine.  My FAITH is what guides me.  I rest firmly and completely in FAITH that this baby is getting exactly what he needs.  I surrender.  I continue to find my voice and God created me and I am beautiful, unique, and I am perfect to mother-guide this child.  …as we continue to vibrate in Appreciation, anything child needs will flow into our experience.  

I’m drinking cranberry juice because sometimes I feel a vibration type feeling and I don’t know for sure what it is.  I think it’s just the baby moving but probably doesn’t hurt to drink cranberry juice anyway.  Baby is moving a lot.  I am excited to meet the baby and let it out of the tiny space that is my uterus.  Seems confined in there, but I need to trust that it’s meant to be in a small space first and then come out into the big world.  Interesting ideas, never considered before feeling this being push against my gut and my bladder and my belly.  Such strange physical sensations.  Faith in the process.  I love it.  I Love every second of it.  I would accept reassurance from a wise woman who could tell me each sensation is normal and that I’m not doing anything wrong, that I’m being a good vessel for this little being.  So I just have Faith and Listen for guidance from all the women who have gone before me.  They are my teachers and I stand in awe and appreciation.  

September 4, 2015  There were 3 or 4 or more real good contractions last night.  Strong, intense.  I tried moaning thru them and that felt nice.  They almost feel like strong period cramps, and it makes me feel like I might have to poop, and slightly nauseated all at once.  It’s unlike anything I’ve felt before.  I’m really excited.  I am opening.  Today is a wonderful day to have a baby.  Appreciation.

(Full on Labor started at 9:30 that evening and baby was in my arms 12 hours later.)

Now he’s 9 1/2.

He remains generous and wise.

I continue to stand in awe and appreciation. 

Job application

 This came out easily between 3:45 and 5 am.  It flowed and felt so good to write.

Just before 9am I realized that the job I had applied for is not available this season.  

Ha!!  Well then.  It felt great to let it flow through me and I feel eager to watch what unfolds...

Hello,

Please accept my application for the position of Market Team Member.

March - September 2010 - Crew member at Needle Lane Farm, Tipton, MI 

 Duties included: greenhouse seed starts, field planting and weeding, harvest for CSA shares and farm market stands, wash pack.

Working as a team with the farm market lead to pack and load products and equipment,

setting up and taking down farm market stall, restocking stall while keeping it clean and organized, answering customer questions and providing excellent 

customer service at Ypsilanti Tuesday afternoon market.  

September 2010 - January 2011  Crew member & market team member with Locavorious, Rena Basch's Ann Arbor CSA of frozen, local food

 Duties included: kitchen work of receiving delivery and processing produce from fresh to frozen for CSA distribution.

Working as a team with Rena to sort and pack CSA shares and loose bags for market stall sales, setup and break down of market stall at Ann Arbor Kerrytown Market.

Spring - September 2011 Crew member at Community Farm of Ann Arbor, Annie and Paul lead farmers.

Duties included: animal chores, field planting and weeding, harvest and display for CSA pickup, wash pack. 

September 2011 -  April 2012  Camden, MI  dairy farm that had a fresh milk delivery route to Ann Arbor

Duties included: milking cows by machine and by hand and many general farm tasks such as making butter, assisting with cheese making, raking the hay.

Assist lead delivery farmer with gathering and preparing products, setup and take down at 3 distribution sites; driving, loading and unloading delivery truck.  In a fast-paced, busy environment I assisted supporters in finding products, answered their questions, and calculated and received cash payment for products.    

Summer 2012 & 2014 - Farm Market Stall, Hillsdale, MI

  Working independently, I secured a space at the Hillsdale Farm Market and set up my own stall with products I had gathered and packaged myself.

Fresh & dried stinging nettles, dried mint and yarrow for tea, pears, maple sugar lumps, tatsoi, and a few other things...  

May - September 2013  Farm Market Team Member for The Brinery, Ann Arbor, MI

Duties included: working independently, packed coolers with product, loaded market vehicle with everything necessary for a busy market day, arrive on time, set up and take down market stall, keep stall well stocked and organized throughout the day, answer customer questions while providing excellent customer service, unload vehicle, returning product to refrigerator and stowing equipment properly.  Ann Arbor Kerrytown Wednesdays and Saturdays, Ann Arbor Westside Market at Zingerman's Roadhouse parking lot. 

     Taste Test Table

Duties included: working independently, packed coolers with product, loaded vehicle with everything necessary, locate and arrive at various stores in Ann Arbor and metro Detroit area, make contact with store liaison, set up, maintenance, and take down of professional, clean, organized table space, offer taste samples to shoppers, answer questions.

Also: occasional kitchen work of processing vegetables and packing jars of product.

If hired I would be available every Saturday.  Available also during the week after 5:30pm with my mature, farmer, 9 year old son.

I would prefer the Kerrytown market but am 100% agreeable to working the Farmington market.

Right now I live with my friend Colette on her small farm in Waterloo, MI.  My nine year old son and I take care of her three year old granddaughter while Colette works from home at her Monday through Friday desk job.  I am a live-in nanny.  No money is exchanged.  Mateo and I have been here since October of 2023 and things are working smoothly for all four of us.  Colette has full custody of little Talia with no change in custody expected.  

Every Saturday and Sunday since December of 2023 I have worked as a care-giver for clients of Angels in Scrubs Home Care.  They pay me $17 / hr and the shifts are 8am to 8pm, primarily in Ann Arbor.  Right now my life situation includes working every single weekend and I would 1,000 times prefer to work at your farm market stall.  I understand that the pay offered is $1 less per hour and the hours worked will be less than the 12 I am currently working and that is all fine and will not be any issue.  The vegetables are very valuable to me.  The biggest part of why I want to work with Green Things Farm Collective has to do with my personal desire to create the kind of world I want to live in.  I have read on your website about your history and your values and you all are demonstrating the ideas that I am striving towards in my own life.  I own the 120 acres in Camden, MI where I lived on the dairy farm and I dream of allowing a community there.  There is so much I can learn from what you all have done together and what you are continuing to build.  I am a 50 year old, physically fit, early morning loving, eager woman that would be a positive addition to your team.  

Thank you for your consideration and blessings on your collective.

Love,

Kari

(here's a picture of us, plus our friend Michael Lee and Colette's granson.  I'm the one in the bright blue t-shirt and purple skirt.)

4am raw diary

 

Good morning Love

All is well

There are layers.  Yesterday the familiar, uncomfortable cycle happened.  There is an urge to explain and feel understood.  I want to surrender and let go of control.  I cannot wrestle this to the ground.  This needs gentleness and kindness.  

I need to change.  I want Mateo to change and my change will be brought about seeking Mateo’s change.

He demonstrates behavior identical to his papa’s in a very specific situation.  Focusing on it feels bad and yet also necessary because it is so subtle.

What the behavior tells me is that at times, Mateo feels powerless.  He makes decisions that show me he doesn’t care.  He is imitating his father.

It’s a specific, narcissistic behavior.  I felt so vulnerable.  I felt rage.  I reacted negatively, violently.  I swore. I wrecked his legos.  I spoke aggressively towards him.

This all affirmed his feelings of powerlessness.

Ok. Then the recovery was great, yes.  He is Mateo.  He is NOT papa.  So it’s ok.  He’s going to be ok.

But I want to build him up.  I want to guide him through his feelings of powerlessness and guide him towards excellence and seizing his power.

And that can only be done by my own surrender.  Through gentleness and kindness.

This is not something I can exert my will over and fix.  This is something, like everything, I am asking for help to navigate my way through.

Yesterday I tried to make it seem like Mateo’s behavior was the main issue that needs to be fixed.  My reaction to his behavior was what caused all the fuss.  Wrecking his legos.  Then before bed I spoke aggressively to him about how he was processing the wrecked legos.  

I am asking for help.

My inspiration to build him up following what I am learning in Agape Sunday Services is correct.  What I heard on the Michael Beckwith CD about letting go of control and surrendering fits here also.  Yesterday I was operating from the stage-one of victimhood.  So I have found a specific area of my life where I can let go and surrender.  Good.

When Mateo says things that reveal his weakness, I attack him.

There is a strong urge to feel understood.  To somehow feel acknowledged and receive points for what I’m doing.  Maybe that’s the thing.  I want to let go of DOING this, fixing Mateo’s weakness, fixing my own anger that’s hiding feelings of vulnerability.  I want to let go of fixing it, partly because clearly it is NOT working, I want to let go and surrender.  This is just one area.  It’s a small area.  No one is broken.  

Mateo acts exactly like papa and I react exactly the same way.  He agreed it felt familiar.  I am using Mateo to blah blah blah.

  Ok so I gained a lot of clarity yesterday and right now.  

There’s a fear thing hanging around this.  So I ask for help in letting go of that.  I don’t need to describe exactly what is going on.  I can let go.  I feel terrified that I’m locked in this yucky cycle with Mateo.  It’s ok Kari.  No one is locked into anything.  

Pay attention to inspiration. My prime directive is to know God and receive inspiration.

 My focus can be the kids and my own energy and noticing what thoughts there are and allowing some fresh energy into the details of that particular life circumstance.  I did good yesterday when I said to Mateo about allowing some fresh energy in.  I want to not explain all of this to Mateo.  I want to let Mateo off the hook.  I want him to just be a kid and I want to just be his mom.  I want to be a steady rock mom.  Yes.

A steady, rock mom.  I want to let go of fixing myself and allow my steady, rock mom energy to flow. 

Thank you

(Back to sleep and then I dreamed:

My family has a pack of wild dogs to protect us and keep everyone away.  I am going outside, with the dogs to make friends with the people they are trying to keep away.

YAY!  I woke up with Thank you on my lips.  

AXMiTax

$80 Billion - what MI spends per year

$2.7 billion - amount from property taxes

Property taxes = 3.4% of Michigan's annual budget.    (2.7 / 80 = 0.03375)  

SET - State Education Tax = 2.7 state wide or 6 millages

$20 billion - Michigan Public School Aid Fund

This $20 billion for our public schools comes from corporate business tax, use tax, income tax, sales tax, excise tax, the lottery, real estate transfer tax, alcohol, tobacco, marijuana taxes and property tax.

$2.7 billion - amount that schools get from property taxes

86.5% of the Public School budget comes from taxes OTHER than property tax.   Public Schools receive $17.3 billion from the other taxes listed above.  

13.5 % - property taxes make up less than 14% of the Public school budget.  (2.7 / 20 = 0.135)

$10 billion - sales tax collected in Michigan each year

15% - amount of sales tax revenue currently distributed to local governments

20% - amount of sales tax revenue distributed to local governments as required by AxMITax 

5% - amount of  increase in General Revenue Sharing required by AxMITax.  GRS is a constitutional mandate where local governments, based on population, receive part of the sales tax revenue.  This is in contrast to the statutory law regarding what local governments receive from income, alcohol, and other taxes. 

$13 billion - state income tax collected each year in MI

$0 - amount counties receive currently 

10% - amount counties will receive as required by AxMITax

AxMITax requires that municipalities and counties each receive 10% of tax revenue from income, alcohol, tobacco, and marihuana

Statutory - It is the Governor's decision whether or not MI counties receive $ from the state income tax. Right now, all the $ from state income tax goes into the general fund and that $ gets spent so counties do not receive any of it.  This is in contrast to the Constitutionally Mandated General Revenue Sharing where Counties currently receive their piece of 15% of all the sales tax collected.  

https://www.americanrevivalpress.org/post/maybe-if-we-take-away-their-money?fbclid=IwY2xjawHL1VxleHRuA2FlbQIxMQABHUe8Y7mKjaBw-AlWEQ9As2YQzDmUZudl8cJaSsjpr3PU9BTIKROQ9rXluA_aem_esofDm2vKRQOdfut3B6hxA

What we don't say

 "Awww, look. That's nice.  He's putting birdseed out for the birds."

    I knew the young man was spreading salt on the icy walk of the store we had just left. 

I also knew that I thought I knew it was salt, but I had not seen the substance up close to really know what it was, nor had I seen the container that the young man had scooped out of.  I imagined, based on the conditions and my past experience with icy sidewalks, that salt was sprinkling down from the scoop, not birdseed.  

So what?

Recognizing and basking in the moment of my child's joy and celebrating with him is infinitely more important than correcting him as to the exact substance and intent of the scene we were witnessing.  I imagined salt being spread to make customers more comfortable walking into the store, but also possibly to avoid a potential lawsuit in our current society of "blame someone else for my fall on the ice".  My beautiful child imagined a kind young man braving the elements of a Michigan winter to offer birdseed to hungry birds.  

Yes.  Yes to the world that he imagines.  

I am raising my child by the things I don't say.  I am supporting his imagination and his natural belief in the goodness of people.  He is showing me that the world is a kind and generous place, if only I will look at it that way.  Brilliant genius.  

I am the lucky one.