spiritual sex.

 Healthy, balanced sexuality

  When Mateo was little, naked, toddling around the house, I would joyfully squeal, “Puddle!” when he peed on the floor, or even outside.  His physical body was doing something normal and healthy and I meant to encourage an awareness around his pee-pee being released.  Creating and environment of conscious acknowledgement and joyful acceptance, near celebration of the normal physical process his body was displaying.   The idea was that as he became conscious of the physical process of releasing the bladder, he would then also gain control and work in harmony with his body to eventually choose when and where to pee.  Creating an environment of love and respect for the body so he can live in peaceful harmony with his physical vessel.  Its a long term relationship we humans have with our bodies and I wanted Mateo’s relationship to be loving and honest and full of reverence and cooperation.

then sex.

I’ve been thinking about sex and physical pleasure and I want him to have a go at a healthy, balanced relationship with his penis and his body’s physical expression of sensuous pleasure.  For now I see three distinct sort of stages for a young human to develop through.  

Stage one involves private personal pleasure.  The boy child gets to know his body and notices that the penis becomes erect sometimes.  At some point the penis will release semen.  I want this all to be normalized, just like learning how to pee in a toilet.  I want the child to explore his body and maintain the focus on Love and respect for the physical pleasure it offers.  I imagine him noticing how the pleasure is deeper when there is Love and understanding surrounding an experience of self-stimulation.  I want him to create an intimate relationship with his own inner Being through the experience of physical self pleasure.  

Stage two involves a second person, a friend and their physical body.  I know it feels good to explore another’s body and to have my body explored by a good friend.  I want this child of mine, growing into a man, to lovingly and consciously explore with another human, maintaining his focus on his relationship with his own inner being.  This means that the other person will never be responsible for his pleasure and he will never be responsible for the pleasure of the other.  The humans can participate in each other’s pleasure but the responsibility for pleasure and for release always stay with each individual.  

Stage three involves clear communication, babies, and two people sharing responsibility for each other’s pleasure and release.  

Decision

 I havee decided that All is Well.  I have decided that Love is all there is.  I have decided that I cannot get it wrong.  

I have decided that I live here, in this place on earth and I have decided that I will live here until I die.  I have decided that I follow inspiration and I can move away from here if that inspiration comes, and while that isn’t happening, I am living here.

Making a decision about where to live until I die frees up a lot of energy.  Many other decisions can flow from the idea that I will live here forever.  

Neighbors.  Developing relationships with neighbors becomes relevant and pleasant, meaningful, worthwhile.  Exploring the woods and getting to know the hills and the trees feels deeply satisfying as I imagine my life continuing to unfold in their steady presence.  I like being steady like the hills and the trees.  Knowing that my shape and surroundings will evolve over time and that my place will never change.  

I’ve watched people in my life wondering and searching for a new place to live, to make their home.  I remember putting energy into seeking a new apartment and getting to know new streets and neighbors, moving my physical belongings from one container to another.  Having made the decision to stay here, to live here, sets myself into a space of settling, of commitment, of long, long term relationships.  I can offer stability to humans that need a stable place.  This lifestyle offers a different perspective on human life in our current culture.  Its soothing to know that I can rest here, relax, and allow myself to grow old.  It feels good to think about old friends returning after many years, returning to the last place they saw me only to find me still here, stable and welcoming their visit.  Acceptance.  There is an acceptance of things when the place is known, the place I’ve decided to live for the rest of my life.  There may be some discontent with varying aspects of life, but there is an easy, settled acceptance of home, of the surrounding environment.  Its easy to love the tiny Library in the tiny town when I know for sure I will never live in a big city with a huge library.  The town will change over time, but right now I love what it offers to me and the child.  

Mother.  I have decided that I am a good mama.  Done.  I am doing a good job.  I cannot get it wrong.  

I like easy and knowing that I am a good mama frees me of worry and that makes everything easier.  When I am free of worry I am free to find things to appreciate and I am free to receive inspiration.  I am free to stop asking the question which opens up space to be in the moment with my child, holding a space of perfect Love and knowing.  The child can rest when he is around a mama who is sure, who knows clearly that All is Well.  It feels good to think about the child being able to rest in my presence, to live free of worry and bask in his imagination and the Love that flows.  The child and I have access to infinite, perfect Love.  

watch this video

 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=On5RYFbcxWY&feature=youtu.be

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     Property taxes were paid today.  People have handed miguel money for cows and butter over the summer.  I wrote down the amounts and kept track of it.  When property taxes come due, it makes sense to me to pay them using money that people have given for cows and butter.   Miguel keeps the money hidden from me.  Money for cows and butter used to go in to a drawer, and there it was, and when I wanted money for something, I went to the drawer and took money out.  Its been about 3 years now that miguel stopped putting money in the drawer.  Someone comes and buys a cow and they hand the cash to miguel and then its not in the drawer.  I don't know where he puts it.  I just know its not in the drawer anymore.  He never spoke to me about it, he just stopped putting the money in the drawer.  It has worked out fine.  I accept who he is and that as I continue to live here things like this will be as they are.  

    For property taxes this year I gave miguel this written message:

"This farm received $2,400 from Dan for cows.  To pay property taxes for this 120 acres, I offer 30% of that $2,400 or $720.

This farm received $100 from M.T. for butter.  To pay property taxes for this 120 acres, I offer 50% of that $100, or $50.  "

After reading the message, he said somethings about expenses and such.  It seemed that he was not agreeing with my suggestion of how to use the money.  I asked him to write down his idea, as I had written down my idea, then we could talk about it.  This is what he wrote:

"What is the basis to claim any of the income from the cows or even the butter without an account of the other expenses that are part of the expense of raising the cows?  We need to settle your relationship to the farm.  Do you own the cows?  The equipment?  The Hay?  It would help me to feel that I am not just being manipulated and taken advantage of.  Big picture.  You own some of the land.  That means you pay the taxes and have the right to do what you want with 50% of the land.  "

This was my written response:

"The basis to claim 30% of the "income" from cows and butter:  I live and labor here and when people give money for cows and butter, some of that money can be used as I see fit.  I want to use the "income" from the cows and butter to pay the property tax.  No I don't own the cows.  No I don't own the equipment.  No I don't own the hay.  I want you to feel that you are not being manipulated.  It would be wonderful for you to not feel taken advantage of.  Yes.  I want to pay the taxes with part of the money that people gave "us" for cows and butter.  What I want to do with the land is raise cows and make butter.  When someone gives money for cows and butter, I want to use some of that money to pay the PROPERTY TAXES. "

There was no response to this.  The next morning I showed him a written receipt I had made, that I intended to give to him to keep, after he provided me with the $770 cash that he was keeping from the sale of cows and butter.  Receipt:

"Dan from Community Farm gave this farm $2,400 for cows Fern and Clarity.  Kari spent 30% of that money ($720) on property taxes.  The remaining $1680 is under miguel's decision and Kari has zero claim to any of it.  

M.T. gave this farm $100 for butter.  Kari spent 30% of that money ($50) on property taxes.  The remaining $50 is under miguel's decision and Kari has zero claim to any of it.  "

There was no response when he read this.  When chores were done and it was time to go into town, miguel said he was going to go.  I said I wanted to go also.  I said I wanted to have the $770 in my hand and give it to Nick, the Township Treasurer.  After a few minutes, miguel counted out $780 and set it on the table.  I made change for a twenty, gave miguel $10 back and held on to the $770.  We went into town and paid the property taxes.  Then I gave miguel the hand written receipt.  Its done.

    I just want to make this public because its soothing to me, it makes me feel better.  Just like the whole PIG episode, I want to tell my story.  I understand that living with a man who functions in the way people describe as pathological narcissism means that these situations occur.  Part of how I happily share space with him is to write and make public the details of what goes on here.  I am not crazy.  My relationships with other humans are not complicated and uncomfortable because most humans do not function in a way that can be described as pathological narcissism.  I take responsibility for the fact that I continue to live with this man.  I accept that I am putting myself in the position to have experiences like the one described above.  This writing helps me cope.  It soothes me.  I am good at soothing myself.  I take care of myself.  I love living here and have cut down dramatically on the amount of yuck interaction I have with this farm partner.  I am an  inspiration to myself and maybe someone else can find inspiration in what I've been able to do, living with a person like this.  

cats wild

  Miguel gently laughed at me when I suggested that the cats here needed to be fixed.  In his 65 plus years, he had seen many people like me bringing their city ideas out to the farm.  There was no discussion, no explanation of why no, Kari, there won’t be any cats traveling to the vet for surgery.  There was just time.  Time gave me the experience of observing cats in the wild to learn about the creatures they are meant to be.  That’s what my heart has always longed for, its part of what makes me Kari.  I want to see the original.  Show me the way things are without any human influence.  I guess that’s part of what called me here to this place, this farm.  That’s how I feel about how I came to live here on this piece of earth.  I was called.  And I listened.  Miguel’s mother lived here for over 30 years and she transitioned away from her physical body just a few months prior to my first visit.  She found me and guided me here as part of the community that would continue her sanctuary work.  Jane could also see that this place would heal me and that I was worth saving.  So was her son, he was worth saving and she knew the two of us would save each other, support each other’s crazy ideas and work out the pain that was stifling our individual creativity and brilliance.  

Cats were one of the first undoings I experienced here.  There would be many along the way, with many more still to come, but the gentle, loving Universe began deconstructing me with cats.  It seems obvious now, as I sit here having survived many of the undoings.  From my beginning, cats have been a part of the life that needed to be undone.  There are cats in my baby pictures, cats in my first apartment away from home.  Cats have always been in my life and my life has always been in a town, deeply entrenched in human culture, very far from the original, the way things are without any human influence.  That’s why I was never fully human before I came here, I wasn’t living my bliss yet.  Humans need to live their bliss, which means they need to listen to their own unique heart, discover their unusual, specific bliss, and then follow it.  That’s the simplest explanation of how I came to live in this wild place.  Layers of socialization were peeled away until I began to hear my true heart louder than all the noise that had held my attention for so long.  Hearing my true heart felt like truth and honesty and I began to listen.  Listening felt like swimming in the ocean, freedom and vastness of space and wild.  Listening to my true heart led me here to this wild place where more and more layers would be peeled away, revealing clear, beautiful music that was as new to me as it was ancient and familiar.  This place began my undoing or re-birth, my heart revealing, with cats.

Wild cats.  That’s what was happening.  Just like everything else here, the trees and plants, the swamp and all its frogs, birds, and turtles, the night air with all the creatures calling, the wild, original earth.  Wild, original earth and her wild cats.  In this place, cats hunt.  A young girl struggling with the wild cat project recently asked me if there was enough prey to support all the cats that had been dumped off.  Yes, dear friend, yes.  Abundance is mother’s way and this piece of earth is allowed to function in mother’s natural way so Yes, she supplies abundant frogs, crickets, cicadas, baby snakes, birds, toads, and anything a kitty would want to eat.  Observing cats in this wild environment provided me with the confidence to speak to her clearly, to answer her thoughtful questions, and to radiate the truth that calmed her own experience of being undone.  That’s what happens to people sometimes when they come to visit.  A piece of them gets undone and they either fight or relax and allow a layer to be peeled away, revealing their humanness, opening up a space for their unique light to shine just a bit more brilliantly than it could before coming here.  

Doula kitty arrived early on in my time here.  Black and white short hair, sweetest cat you’d ever find, she appeared one day and stayed five years.  Ivy the dog had just left her physical form when Doula kitty joined our strange little family.  In the mornings she walked with us down the lane to get the cows just like Ivy had always done.  There were already a few cats here and Doula fit in nicely, drinking milk in the mornings at the kitty pan in the milk house.  Her life was a gift, a clear demonstration of how cats can exist and thrive on planet earth.  Doula was friendly and I spent hours sitting on the front porch holding her and petting her while her motor purred lusciously in my ear.  She prepared me to be a mother as I intently observed her mama behavior with the kittens she brought forth every year.  Doula eagerly drank milk from the cows and never received any food from the humans here.  I always just assumed she had come here from the herd of black and white cats that lived among the houses near the church about a mile and a half away.  Seemed things got a little crowded down there and we had been blessed by this wonderful creature choosing to share space with us, drink milk, hunt, and provide us with kittens.  There had never been store bought cat food available here but Doula came here and stayed.  She was a wild cat.   

    Brillo chose to live here as determinedly as any creature.  He was a striking animal, all grey short hair, built like any healthy wild Cheetah and comfortable enough around humans to drink milk from the kitty pan and purr in my lap on the front porch.  When a friend looking for a male cat accepted Brillo, I was shocked when the cat was back at the kitty pan a few mornings after his 6 mile car ride.  Brillo clearly did as he pleased and what pleased him was to live in this place.  That's a wild cat.  He came and went for many years, gracing the milk house for a t

Another friend just dumped me.  I felt surprised.  I was eagerly anticipating the difficult but meaningful conversation we would have about a kitten she got from my farm.  So the computer message she sent me came as a real shock.  There was no kind, open discussion, seeking to understand another's perspective.  She was just done.  And it feels so good to be ok.  I guess she wasn't a friend like I had imagined.  

    Cats.  

    I want wild cats on my farm.  I love cats.  There have been cats in my life since I was a baby. When I went out on my own I got a pet cat from the shelter.  Then another.  I've always had cats.  I love cats.  I'm not a real dog person, I'm a cat person.  

    Living in the little yellow house in a city brought Sweet Pea into my life.  She was the oldest cat at the shelter and I adopted her because I wanted to give her a chance.  I didn't need a cat to live a long time and I wanted to free a cat from the shelter, offer her a home.  My plan was to just adopt another old cat when Sweet Pea died as I knew she would.  Animals die.  So I wanted to give her a nice loving home for the relatively short time she had left.  Sweet Pea was beautiful, with all black long hair.  We were great friends.  

    A housemate came into my and Sweet Pea's lives and left behind her kitty Arbor.  Arbor was also a great cat and I loved him.  Then somebody started peeing on my bath towels in the linen closet.  I felt inspired to put the cats outside.  I felt certain that God had invented cats before humans began living in houses with linen closets.  I knew the cats would be fine outside.  My backyard became an episode of National Geographic as I wandered over to see what was happening to Sweet Pea as she let out a tremendous growl.  Half eaten mouse.  Sweet Pea, my tired old, fixed house cat had caught a mouse and was supplementing her diet of the expensive organic, mostly meat dry cat food that I fed her.  Very good.  The cat seemed really happy, fulfilled and I was happy for her.  I wanted her out of the cage she was in at the shelter so she could live a happy cat life.  I felt confident that Sweet Pea knew best what

a home for the child

  Riding our bikes home from church two Sundays ago, mateo stated his desire to stop and visit with Kelvin.  I remember feeling totally open that day, lighthearted, and it sounded like a great idea.  It also felt good because I had been sort of imagining asking Kelvin to drive me to the car fix-it place to pick up my truck that was all fixed up and ready to come home.  I love the feeling of clarity and when mateo suggests something that fits so well with my as of yet, unspoken ideas, the clarity and organization from the Universe feels so obvious and soothing.  Its easy to just relax and see how I really am just taken care of.  Steering our bikes into Kelvin’s driveway, we rolled past the house to the big barn in back and found Kelvin in his workshop, happy to see us both.  These after church visits have been happening for a few years and its always pleasant to visit with our kind, generous neighbor Kelvin.  He’s jolly, tells a good story, and is straight forward and honest, which feels like sweet relief to me.  He talks to mateo like the intelligent capable being that he is and I appreciate my child spending time with this man who enjoys using tools and wood to create beautiful spaces and useful things.  Kelvin is always showing us the latest project he’s working on and sharing what he has planned next for the latest load of old, salvaged wood he found.  His enjoyment of this work is obvious and so pleasant to be around.  

The truck came up easily in casual conversation and Kelvin offered to drive us down to get it later that same day.  He also asked about the buildings on the South side of the road, what we were planning to do with those because he’s passionate about restoring old structures and curious about things in his immediate environment.  I explained that those mostly sat empty but sometimes housed visiting laborers, also that those were on miguel’s property so weren’t really of concern to me.  Then is seemed natural to share my desire of creating a primitive living structure on the property I own, in the pasture by the woods where I had constructed a fenced yard.  I told him about all the different ideas I’ve had over the past two years, from the camper that’s there now, to the geodesic dome, the metal shipping container tiny house, and relocating an existing structure from the East field.  Kelvin got all intense and interested when I mentioned an old building that needed to be restored and started asking lots of questions.  It was a fun conversation and he offered to stop by our place sometime to walk around and take a look at the building and the yard by the woods.  Mateo and I rolled away on our bikes with plans to stop by the next day when Kelvin’s grandkids would be visiting from Wisconsin.  

We did ride down again and mateo enjoyed a ride in the “dune buggy” and jumping on the big trampoline with our neighbor’s grandchildren.  I love that we live on a country dirt road and can ride bikes to visit with our neighbors.  What a fun way for mateo to grow up.  

The following Sunday mateo again suggested stopping at Kelvin’s and we found him again in the back barn workshop.  I visited with Lyda while mateo and Kelvin went to get a cold beverage like they’ve done together before.  I enjoy how some people make a point to involve mateo and offer simple routines that create a satisfying sense of belonging.  We enjoyed another pleasant visit and made a plan for Kelvin to visit.   The next morning at first light, about an hour before milking time, Kelvin and I set out on a farm tour.  He looked at the pig building and the big old grey barn where the cows spend the winter.  It felt so good to hear his clear, generous knowledge of original construction techniques and current state of condition.  I know how to dress a burn wound, milk a cow, and make butter but I don’t know much about maintaining buildings.  I do know how to connect to the infinite Source of energy and allow into my life the people that can help balance out the responsibilities in my life.  I don’t need to know the skills to do everything that needs to be done on a farm.  I can do the things that I’m good at, learn some new skills along the way, and allow the Universe to deliver friends and neighbors to take care of what needs to be done to live a safe, comfortable life.  As I listened to Kelvin clearly describe his obvious, generous knowledge of original construction techniques and current state of repair, I rested in the pure knowing that the Universe was holding me in loving arms.  Developing a relationship with a neighbor is pleasant and allows the Universe to take care of me well.  I am functioning as a cooperative component to my own life.

    That day Kelvin and I talked about my desire for a primitive living structure near the woods my mind switched gears dramatically between buildings that I know are "not my property" and the strong, long established emotional connection I have with the building in the East field.  When I moved to the farm in 2011 that building, call it the cabin, was present in the East field.  It called to me immediately with its leaded glass window, beautiful new roof, small, cozy size, and large, abundant windows.  The potential in the cabin was clear to me.  I have always loved old houses that want to be fixed up.  From my earliest memories as a little girl, to present day, a structure like the cabin rests easily in the loving arms of my heart.  The cabin in the East field seemed sad about its location.  It sits teetering on the edge of a very steep hill, along the West side of an unfortunately narrow pasture, which shares a property line with neighbors that spray chemicals, spread smelly manure and keep animals in a way that causes them to call and call in their distress.  The cabin was not at ease there, which made me love it and feel attached to it even more.  It needed help to really shine and my old-house-loving heart wanted deeply to bring this particular structure home someday somehow.  

    Looking back at that conversation with Kelvin I can now clearly see another reason my brain compartmentalized buildings and property the way it did.  When I moved to the farm in 2011, none of the property was "mine" and I never thought a thing about it.  I was living there and laboring and that was enough.  I owned a house in Ann Arbor and never considered owning farm land.  Over the years, I considered purchasing land when my father offered to buy me a piece of property.  There is a real nice 40 acre piece just East of my partner's land on the South side of the road.  I met the owners and found out the plan for that piece of property.  If I did own land, I imagined a piece that would make my partner's 400 acre piece that much larger.